I failed to do my weekly question time last week, but there were some lovely queries so I have saved them and combined them with this week’s random collection. As there are rather a lot I will endeavour to speed answer as many as possible rather than in my usual rambling style. Of course there is no doubt in my mind that I will be unable to resist a good ramble here and there, specially as I am actually supposed to be learning about the legal requirements of listing ancient monuments. I have already managed to put off the fateful moment by eating crisps, eating Wispas, drinking copious amounts of caffeine, playing scrabble on Facebook with Andrea and writing two blogs already this morning. Huzzah for putting off until never what you never had any intention of doing today.
So. Queries ahoy!
If you’ve got one, I want one. I don’t want one of those ones that you have to crank by hand and pull raffle tickets out of though. I want one like the lottery machines that shoots ping pong balls with numbers on through a large spigot on top of your head. Call the Philip Treacey hotline (hatline. ho ho) immediately on 0800 I like Boy George.
‘Pink 89!’ Just practicing.
Realising hedgehogs back into the wild.
I know. I know dear heart that you meant to say releasing, but I love the whole philosophical idea of thinking hard enough about hedgehogs in captivity that the door of their tiny incarceration pens springs open, releasing them into a grassy, hedgehog heaven of slugs, cat food and compost bins in which to while away the long winter nights. Good luck to you. Try not to crease your forehead with too much wishing. Botox is not a good option.
Funny things to do with Cillit Bang.
You could try making a false moustache out of frozen Cillit Bang and wearing it to frighten the postman. Or I recommend trying my patented Cillit Bang cocktail. Two measures kahlua, one measure Mr. Duck, a soupcon of absinthe strained through a tea towel, a cube of goat’s cheese and a good squirt of Cillit Bang round the rim of the glass. Ideally you should then dip the glass rim into some helicobacter pylori or other bacteria of your choice, for that added je ne sais quoi. The key things to remember with this cocktail are to stir rather than shake and never to drink it.
Elton John hot water bottle.
Are you insinuating that Elton is in fact a hot water bottle? It might explain his lack of hair and peculiar dress sense. And the weird smell of rubber when he wafts by. I can just imagine David Furnish popping a kettle full of hot water into him every night before snuggling up to him in bed, warming his feet on Elton’s hot, round tummy of love.
Was Katy caused by nits?
Good question. I think you forgot the middle part of the sentence. It should read: ‘Was Katy’s nervous breakdown caused by nits?’ in which case the answer is a resounding yes, yes and YES. I am not in fact made of nits however, nor am I a hot water bottle, or a small town in Texas. Today I am made mostly of crisps and the retro chocolate delights of the Wispa bar. I am about ninety percent caffeine with a spritz of adrenaline on most normal days. The rest is lard.
Shrews – how do they move information?
They have one of those big glass screens like Tom Cruise in Minority Report. The head shrew wears some kind of techno gloves which allow him to interact with the screen and thus randomly move bits of information around into pleasing patterns. Shrews are obsessed by the game Tetris and all their filing systems are based on its intricate patterns. Retro shrews who shun technology just use tiny wheelbarrows full of post it notes.
Freud and kippers.
I prefer kedgeree and Jung myself, but each to his own. Never, ever try Kierkegaard and jam. It’s a total disaster.
Beetroot related pregnancy.
Oh yes! It’s always the root vegetables that get the blame. Teenage pregnancy on the rise, swedes to blame, screams The Daily Mail in its reactionary, conservative way. Next it will be; ‘I shunned Russell Brand for a turnip, claims page 3 Stunna.’ You people make me sick.
Gandalf bus link.
The number seventy four between Bounds Green and Acton. It only runs Thursday to Sunday and sometimes on Wednesdays between seven and ten at night. There is no night bus service. It’s been commandeered by the orcs.
Wayne Rooney receeding.
We can but hope.
Tuna fish costume.
What kind of Christmas play are you doing? The Fisheries Service alternative nativity? ‘Oh yes Margery. This year Mary will be dressed as a whiting and Joseph will be doing his best to emulate the movements of a sea snail, although with his hips anything could happen. Jesus is going to be some crab sticks in a blanket and the three wise men will be giant squid. Each tentacle will hold a miraculous gift, of fish. We thought the shepherds could be a shoal of herring, because they’re not very popular but there are a lot of them.’ Bring on the silver foil and plenty of coat hangers to make dorsal fins. You’ll be fine.
What kind of cape does Supernanny wear?
A wipe clean one in tartan oil skin with velcro fastenings and easy access from the sides in case of emergency stifling.
Green skiing tea box mower.
For once in my life I am speechless. You win. Please e-mail me and point me to the exact place in a previous blog where I refer to the green, skiing, tea box mower.
Shakespeare definition of strumpet.
A strawberry crumpet, forsooth and prithee.
Experience of Hips4U
Please, please write and tell me that this is real. I made up Hips4U in one of my early blogs. I will eat my Philip Treacey tombola hat if someone has since patented the idea and unleashed it upon an unsuspecting nation. I must call Dave Gorman immediately.
Linda McCartney flavourings.
Generally I believe she was Linda McCartney flavoured with a hint of Paul. She was a huge fan of texturised vegetable protein so I expect on enthusiastic days she was tinged with soya, but generally your basic millionaire American heiress flavour.
Name of Ray Mear’s shrew.
I didn’t know he had one. He’s kept that very quiet, presumably from the shrew, so that if he ever has to fatten him up and eat him in a survivalist emergency he won’t feel so bad about it. This is why he doesn’t have a name. You don’t want to get too attached and cross that line between snack and pet. I did it once. I called my Kendall Mint Cake Roger and never got over it when I had to bite his head off in the Cairngorns. If Ray Mears was going to give a name to his pet shrew though I am sure he would call it Millicent Thumbelina Pipkin the First.
What does Supernanny say about swearing?
She says, and I quote; ‘It’s a fucking good idea. I don’t know why more under five’s don’t do it.’
Can monkey’s kick?
Like a mule. They can also hula hoop and do the fandango.
What do aeroplane Xmas beetles eat?
Figgy pudding of course. Oh and aeroplanes.
Dead frog smell.
That will be the dead frog secreted somewhere about your house or person then. Time to call in Kim and Aggie I think.
Are nylon bedsheets healthy?
Only if you fancy taking up spontaneous combustion as a short lived but enthusiastic hobby.
Famous hirsute ladies.
- Hairy Mary
- Hairy Edith
- Hairy Ethel
- Fuzzy Jane
Can you hire Mr. Tumble for a party?
Do you really hate your children that much? Why not save yourself the agony and just put them up for adoption or abandon them outside the PDSA in a cardboard box with a note.
- Your mother’s head in a gift wrapped box.
- A laminated turd with fake, googly eyes.
- A jam roly poly with pubic hair poking out of the folds of jam.
- A signed photograph of Wee Jimmy Krankie in the nude.
Uncle Fester lampshade to buy.
That will be the M&S Signature range for Autumn Winter. I would recommend teaming it with the Freddie Krueger pouffe and the Ed Gein nest of coffee tables.
Growing old nudes.
You have to start from seed. The best thing to do is to run them up canes or they tend to get a bit leggy and fall over. It’s always the hips that give in the end. Nip off any excess shoots so that they flower nicely otherwise you’ll end up with a full body but a shrunken head, and nobody likes that in an old nude.
Threatened by vegetarianism.
It’s the fact that butternut squash can look a bit like bombs isn’t it? I’ve always thought that brussell sprouts have that slight hand grenade quality too. And courgettes are way too pointy. Statistics indicate that courgette crime has risen significantly in the past few years. In Wigan they have recently announced a courgette amnesty. There are boxes outside every allotment where you can drop your veg and no charges will be brought. The vicar got five years for his Harvest Festival shenanigins this year. A disgrace. He’s meant to be a pillar of the community. Never mind. I hear he’s being replaced by Russell Brand. He’s never threatened anyone with a cauliflower when they only put tenpence in the collection plate.