I am being held together by pain killers, strong coffee and my iron will after a night of refreshing Twitter every ten seconds until half past four in the morning.
So that was exciting, no?
I was expecting bleak despair this morning, and instead I wake up more hopeful than I have been in a long, long time.
I am reasonably incoherent and in no position to be operating heavy machinery, but here are some things wot I thought/think.
A hung parliament is the best we could hope for actually, in my opinion. It will force parties to talk to each other, negotiate and actually think about what they’re doing rather than sit in their party line bunkers shouting meaningless slogans at each other. This is a good thing. We need politicians who think.
Although if the Tories get into bed with the DUP we should all keep digging that bunker.
Whatever happens, it will undoubtedly lead to another general election in the short rather than the long term unless a miracle occurs for the Tories. I also welcome this. This time maybe all sides will a) pay attention to the voters, b) get their houses in order and c) stop relying on fat millionaires and their money to smooth things over rather than actually doing their fucking jobs.
Everyone is predicting that May will go. This would be brilliant. The woman is a walking disaster.
Everyone is predicting Boris will ascend. In an ideal world I’d like Ken Clarke, who actually seems like a decent bloke despite being a Tory. On the other hand, Boris will no doubt fuck things up even more impressively than May and heap further coals on the heads of the Tories, so it’s fine with me.
The Labour gains were so impressive across the board that Corbyn is finally being taken seriously, and why not? He’s survived 35 years as an anarchist back bencher and several coups from within the party to get to this. This man is the strong and stable of the leaders, not May. He’s proved it in spades. Maybe now Labour will actually shape up to be a coherent, unified opposition that are in fact an opposition and not Tory lite.
Word in the Twittersphere is that when the Exit polls were announced, Rupert Murdoch lost his shit and stormed off in a huff. This is beautiful. Also beautiful all the front pages that have had to eat humble pie after relentlessly hounding Corbs. Perhaps the media will be more accountable after this.
No. Sorry. They won’t, but fuck them for this one, beautiful moment.
Also beautiful is the fact that UKIP returned no MPs, their vote shrank to 1.9% and Nutall is going to go back to his professional footballing career after having been defeated in his second attempt at becoming an MP this year. Nice to see he’s remaining true to form by blaming Theresa for everything. Mind you, this may be one area where we actually agree.
At one point news got out that Philip Davies had lost his seat in Shipley. I danced. Actually danced around my living room. Sadly it turned out to be untrue, but his majority decreased a good amount, as did Amber Rudd’s and Zach Goldsmith only squeaked back into Richmond by 300 votes. Give it time people, give it time.
The youth vote turn out was amazing. I am so bloody proud. Really I am. People are saying it’s because Corbyn promised free university tuition. I don’t care. If we are to invest in the future of Britain, this is where our money should go. They are the future and I am delighted that for whatever reason they got off their backsides and went and stood in the rain and voted. In places like Newcastle Under Lyme it was their vote that swung it for Labour by the tiniest of margins.
So many women MPs got elected, of every political stripe, and that makes me properly glad. There are now 200 women MPs in parliament and it gives me real hope that equality can be achieved, and more cross party co-operation. It looks like there is more diversity across the board too. We got our first turbanned Sikh, our first Sikh woman and two disabled MPs for a start. Better representation across the board to reflect how Britain really lives is brilliant. MORE OF THIS KIND OF THING PLEASE.
As for Brexit, David Davies was forced, in the early hours, to start conceding that it might be a good thing if we stay in the single market and that more open negotiations across parties might be in order. Result. Anything that forces the government to take a long, hard look at how we do this is a win in my book. Hard Brexit looks increasingly unlikely and I am thrilled. More thrilled if we didn’t have it at all, but I’ll take the compromise.
Other cheering news:
Theresa had to stand on the platform at Maidenhead with a man dressed as Elmo and a man who calls himself Lord Bucket Head. This was enormously cheering. It could only have been bettered if she had actually lost to Elmo.
Jeremy Hunt’s majority took a drubbing in Surrey and the lady who campaigned against him on an NHS ticket got 20,000 votes, which is literally miraculous. Jeremy mate, your days are numbered.
George Osborne had the best time sticking the knife into Theresa on ITV last night. He even nearly held hands with Ed Balls.
A man dressed as a fish finger actually got some votes last night. I love this.
I despaired yesterday. I had a faint hope that politics would change, but I feared the worse. Last night was an amazing indication that a new political order is afoot. It’s going to be a rough ride, and this is only the beginning, but by God I am cheerful today.