A grim day yesterday, lost to migraine. I didn’t even make forty eight hours of efficiency, and now we’re back to the usual chaos. I must chase my referral letter to the gynaecologist.
Talking of which, someone sent me an article today about a chiropractor from Wichita, called Daniel Dopps, who has invented a lipstick shaped glue that sticks a woman’s labia together so that she can have a period without leaking everywhere.
He says that it glues the labia minora together. The glue acts as an effective, sealed barrier that does not leak. It unglues when a woman urinates, and allows the flow of both urine and stored menstrual blood to be discharged into the toilet at the same time.
No sanitary towels or tampons are required according to Mr. Dopps.
The patent was granted on January 10th, and Mr. Dopps intends to sell the product to a large pharmaceutical company for them to roll out.
I’m really torn about this.
On the one hand, yay, because you know it’s good to have alternatives to the more traditional towels and tampons, and along with moon cups and those absorbent pants you can now buy, this may be something else that is less environmentally terrible, and possibly more healthy.
On the other hand I have about a billion questions, which is a few million more than I had for Gwyneth and her jade, vaginal eggs. I also, and I really need to get over myself I suspect, have a certain amount of ‘ewww’ about this.
Let’s get the ‘ewww’ over with.
Basically I will be waltzing about with a vaginal Pritt stick in my bag all day, which I will have to assume will be easy to clean and will not start to stink to high heaven. Nor will it dissolve if I need to rinse it off. I am fairly sure given the fact that I will be poking it about in my labia minora, I will need to rinse it off.
One must also pray it won’t melt in warm weather. Or be really difficult to apply in icy conditions.
How will it seal effectively when I’m crouched on the Virgin trains toilet from Leicester to St. Pancras, praying that the automatic doors don’t slide open, and trying to roll with the movement of the train without falling down the toilet?
How do you apply a lipstick type substance to a labia minora successfully even if you aren’t on a train? Even if you’re at home, crouching around your bathroom like a demented crab, with all the lights on and a mirror it sounds fairly tricky and liable to problems.
To be fair, it would probably be easier if you were upside down, or lying on your back in a sort of horse shoe shape, so that you could stem the blood flow and gain maximum access to the lips, but then how many of us will be doing that on the floor of a Wetherspoons at 11.30 on a Friday night after one too many flaming sambucas? If you want to know what having your skin glued feels like, try lying naked on the floor of a Wetherspoons. It’ll take an industrial belt sander to get you off that sucker.
And let’s be brutally honest here. Blood does not stop flowing out of your foof neatly like urine. It doesn’t have a start/stop button per se. It’s more of a steady leak. So how do you apply the glue in a leaky situation?
The rest of my questions.
How will glueing my labia together not be uncomfortable/painful? If it has to make an efficient seal it means that the skin to skin contact must be fairly robust. What if my fanny rips off if I decide to go horse riding? Or simply have to run for the bus? Or in the unlikely event that I may want to take up doing vigorous star jumps during my period (I did say it was unlikely).
How long will it take for my labia to unglue? He says that the ammonia in urine will unglue the labia, but are we talking a steady stream? Are we talking a few drips? Will I have to carry around a de-mister full of piss as well as a labial lipstick in my handbag for pee based glue emergencies?
There’s so much more to say frankly, but at the end of the day, do I want to endorse a product created by a man whose response to questions which he asked for on his Facebook page was:
“[Y]ou as a woman should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn’t. Reason being women are focused on and distracted by your period 25% of the time, making them far less productive than they could be. Women tend to be far more creative than men, but their periods that [sic] stifle them and play with their heads.”
How bout no?