Foof Glue

A grim day yesterday, lost to migraine. I didn’t even make forty eight hours of efficiency, and now we’re back to the usual chaos. I must chase my referral letter to the gynaecologist.

Talking of which, someone sent me an article today about a chiropractor from Wichita, called Daniel Dopps, who has invented a lipstick shaped glue that sticks a woman’s labia together so that she can have a period without leaking everywhere.

Really.

He says that it glues the labia minora together. The glue acts as an effective, sealed barrier that does not leak. It unglues when a woman urinates, and allows the flow of both urine and stored menstrual blood to be discharged into the toilet at the same time.

No sanitary towels or tampons are required according to Mr. Dopps.

The patent was granted on January 10th, and Mr. Dopps intends to sell the product to a large pharmaceutical company for them to roll out.

I’m really torn about this.

On the one hand, yay, because you know it’s good to have alternatives to the more traditional towels and tampons, and along with moon cups and those absorbent pants you can now buy, this may be something else that is less environmentally terrible, and possibly more healthy.

On the other hand I have about a billion questions, which is a few million more than I had for Gwyneth and her jade, vaginal eggs.  I also, and I really need to get over myself I suspect, have a certain amount of ‘ewww’ about this.

Let’s get the ‘ewww’ over with.

Basically I will be waltzing about with a vaginal Pritt stick in my bag all day, which I will have to assume will be easy to clean and will not start to stink to high heaven. Nor will it dissolve if I need to rinse it off. I am fairly sure given the fact that I will be poking it about in my labia minora, I will need to rinse it off.

One must also pray it won’t melt in warm weather.  Or be really difficult to apply in icy conditions.

How will it seal effectively when I’m crouched on the Virgin trains toilet from Leicester to St. Pancras, praying that the automatic doors don’t slide open, and trying to roll with the movement of the train without falling down the toilet?

How do you apply a lipstick type substance to a labia minora successfully even if you aren’t on a train? Even if you’re at home, crouching around your bathroom like a demented crab, with all the lights on and a mirror it sounds fairly tricky and liable to problems.

To be fair, it would probably be easier if you were upside down, or lying on your back in a sort of horse shoe shape, so that you could stem the blood flow and gain maximum access to the lips, but then how many of us will be doing that on the floor of a Wetherspoons at 11.30 on a Friday night after one too many flaming sambucas? If you want to know what having your skin glued feels like, try lying naked on the floor of a Wetherspoons. It’ll take an industrial belt sander to get you off that sucker.

And let’s be brutally honest here. Blood does not stop flowing out of your foof neatly like urine. It doesn’t have a start/stop button per se. It’s more of a steady leak. So how do you apply the glue in a leaky situation?

The rest of my questions.

How will glueing my labia together not be uncomfortable/painful? If it has to make an efficient seal it means that the skin to skin contact must be fairly robust. What if my fanny rips off if I decide to go horse riding? Or simply have to run for the bus? Or in the unlikely event that I may want to take up doing vigorous star jumps during my period (I did say it was unlikely).

How long will it take for my labia to unglue? He says that the ammonia in urine will unglue the labia, but are we talking a steady stream? Are we talking a few drips? Will I have to carry around a de-mister full of piss as well as a labial lipstick in my handbag for pee based glue emergencies?

There’s so much more to say frankly, but at the end of the day, do I want to endorse a product created by a man whose response to questions which he asked for on his Facebook page was:

“[Y]ou as a woman should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn’t. Reason being women are focused on and distracted by your period 25% of the time, making them far less productive than they could be. Women tend to be far more creative than men, but their periods that [sic] stifle them and play with their heads.”

How bout no?

21 responses to “Foof Glue

  1. That is just hilarious. Do me a favour!!!! But wanted to express my JOY that finally after following you for months my Gmail has accepted you into the fold and sent me this post without lobbing you into spam. Hooray!!

  2. Well, all I can say is: good for you for finding one or two good things to say about this! I think that’s about as fair as any of us could be with such a stupid concept, especially when I read the last paragraph and saw what he had to say (and that’s excluding his terrible grammar and sentence structure). And I think you raise some very valid logistical issues as well!

  3. Well it’s been a while but from my recollections of the hellish days before my hysterectomy, this ‘glue’ would have been an unmitigated disaster – for many of the reasons you have stated. I suspect the only women who might benefit from using it are the ones who have relatively light, trouble free periods in the first place, most of whom probably won’t be bothered gumming and ungumming their fanny all day. Also is it just me or is anyone else worried about where it will all go in the meantime? As someone who seemed to lose about a pint an hour for the first few days, the thought of it all sloshing about somewhere is a bit unnerving….

    Still he sounds like a lovely man, maybe he will develop incontinence in later life and then perhaps we’ll see how ‘focused on and distracted by’ that he becomes. It might even be a woman who comes up with a solution to the problem, but hopefully she will be considerably more gracious about it.

  4. From the moment I hit puberty, aged 11, I was taught to be ashamed and revolted by all the things my body did every month. I was allowed no privacy or dignity. Now I’m 70 and a bloke has invented a glue to stick up our leaky foofs. On whom did he trial this unnatural substance? And what drove him to think that glueing up a woman’s labia minora would in any way allow her to access her creativity? It drives me bonkers when I think of all the ways (some) males around the world muck about with our heads and foofs, to denigrate, mutilate, sew us up, and now glue us – so they don’t have to be revolted by the natural biological activity of our bodies. They really need to grow up.

    I have a place in mind for Mr What’s-his-name’s glue. Two places.

  5. Yes. ‘No’, that is. But my thoughts are not to be relied on since my head’s been.messed with monthly over the years. Poor me.

  6. Er, how about HELL, NO!
    Your questions are all very valid and I bet you wouldn’t get a straight answer to any of them from this bloke.
    If I were a younger woman I would try those knickers you can get now which you simply bleed into and then wash. But I want the fancy American ones, Thinx, not least because of the work the Thinx Foundation does with educating girls about their bodies. So it would be a major investment which I don’t feel like making with (hopefully) only a few of the damn things (periods that is) to go – they are already coming less frequently than monthly.
    Sorry to hear about the migraine. It’s terrible that no one has helped you out with this before. Hope the appointment comes through soon.

  7. i would stick with the EEWWWWWW about both the product and the man lol.

  8. Why do men think they can imagine up a product, with all the problems built-in that you’ve just mentioned, and think women will go for it?
    I’ve no doubt it was dollar signs in his eyes that was all the thought he needed! 😦
    Yeurk 😦

  9. Thank you for making me snort with a mix of glee and horror. 🙂

    For those of us who experience (or in my case used to experience thank god) the rivers of blood style of flow all I can imagine is catastrophic failure at the most inopportune moment and the immediate surroundings resembling something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Been there, done that still up there as one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

  10. Katy – you make me laugh and laugh and laugh! I laughed so much that I’m still mopping up the tears. I had to read it to my husband, who also roared. Only a man (by which I mean a certain sort of man) could even think this is a runner. His facebook comment said it all really.
    Thank you for the light relief.
    (PS Sorry about yet another migraine. Yes, time to find the referral letter.)

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