So. Very. Tired.

Exhausted because I cannot settle to anything for any length of time.

Exhausted because I am not sleeping well due to worries of impending apocalypse.

Exhausted because standing up for yourself should be a full time job in itself, and someone should bring something to lean on, and cake. My legs are wobbly, as well as the chins I keep taking it on.

Exhausted because I have encountered some spectacularly hateful people this week who really think they are keeping it real, and telling you how great they are in comparison to you and frankly they are boring and it’s exhausting having to keep flipping them the finger.

Exhausted because I have had raging, and I mean raging, PMT this week. Cramps all week but no bleeding until today. Hip pain that is off the charts. Morning sickness (coffee, why do you taste of metal?) and such sadness. Not helped of course by the fact that the world is a pretty grim place to live these days.

Exhausted because Tilly suddenly grew up rather spectacularly and we are doing uni interviews, driving tests (she passed!), car insurance quotes and she is looking at rooms to rent for when she moves out.

Exhausted because there is not enough time and I am being stupid and double and triple booking myself to stuff and then forgetting other stuff.

Exhausted because of all this on top of regular, day to day life in a busy family with three children.

I can’t not look at the news. That’s exhausting.

I can’t not respond to trolls at the moment. That’s exhausting. To be fair I’ve given up responding to the worst ones, but there was some fine community based stuff going on about the library. Turns out the minority of idiots got reinforcements. Six days. Six days of people telling me I am bigoted, prejudiced, too white, too privileged, too lazy, not obedient, responsible for their inertia, inaction and unwillingness to shift for themselves and I shit you not, for the Hillsborough Disaster, Thatcher and all Tory wrong doing, simply for trying to hold a meeting to save a library in a freely offered meeting hall in a Conservative club. You literally could not make this shit up. The level of personal abuse and accusations of bigotry from certain members of the Labour party I’ve had this week has made me doubly glad I tore up my membership last year and committed whole heartedly to the WEP.  The fact that people cannot step outside their bubbles for the common good and have the nerve to call anyone who does a traitor is frankly appalling. And I know not all Labour members, and yes, some of my best friends are socialists, but they’re my friends because they can put party politics aside when it comes to uniting for something bigger than the party line, not because they know all the words to The Red Flag and have a picture of Corbs stuck to their bedroom wall.

And I have still been heartened by those in the community who have continued to stand by me and for me for voluntarily doing something that someone asked me to do as a favour.

And I know, don’t feed the trolls. It’s not always as easy as it looks.

And tonight it appears that the library might be safe after all, which would be amazing except that some twat is bound to try and insinuate that I will be sorry for some completely twat arsed reason that will make no sense and I will have to resist the urge to hulk smash laziness masquerading as virtue, because I’m trying to be more like Baby Cheezus and less like Marvel comics and that’s fucking exhausting too.

Despite this, I have attended meetings, raised awareness, eyebrows and other things that need raising. I have donated to ACLU. I have joined Amnesty. I have almost read an entire book. I have been to the theatre (Woman in Black. For the fifth time). I have been to the pub with friends. I have been to a community planning group. I have kept two blogs, two community Facebook pages and two Twitter feeds ticking over. I have met people about defibrillators in public spaces. I have cooked on one or two occasions.

I have been to the dentist, and taken all my children to the dentist too, on two separate occasions. I have consoled my broken hearted teenager and watched with pride as she turned despair into grit and ambition. I have helped my husband whose back went into spasm earlier in the week and who is still crippling around. I have helped my mum and dad take on the company that sold them a broken oven and wanted them to pay over £300 to replace it because ‘extra costs have been incurred.’ I have talked to my brother about the issues he’s having with the NHS and put him in touch with someone who can help him out. I have visited my friend Nicki. I have eaten noodles with my children. I have written to my MP and the PM again. They love me. I have explained Twitter to pensioners.

I have done some good things on my family tree. I have finally tracked down the lesser spotted Wickwar, which has been bugging us for ages and will mean nothing to anyone outside of the family, but which makes me very happy indeed. There may be more Wickwars lurking, but I feel that I can handle this.

I was sad that I was too ill to go to the pub quiz this week, and I also missed my friend Vijay’s Stand up to Racism talk. I felt I had let the side down, and then I wrote this and thought. ‘You silly, bloody arse.’  it turns out, I’ve fitted in quite a bit.

And I’m exhausted.



37 responses to “Exhaustipated

  1. lol Katy you are awesome but you do need to watch how much you emotionally engage with it all. Allow yourself to notice the injustices, pick the battles you can do something about and then step back and allow others to do other things. There are more of us trying to help society change to the loving options in our own ways too. take care – lots of love too xxx

  2. You are my hero, lady. My absolute hero.
    (My back has also been in & out of spasm since December: I send Jason my heartfelt sympathy. I ricochet between diazepam, naproxen and pilates currently.)

  3. Not bloody surprised. It’s exhausting enough just reading what you manage to do. You’re brilliant. Well done.

  4. Katy, you’re doing a great job. But unless you start being a bit kinder to yourself, you won’t be doing a great job for very much longer. Looking at things you could cut out – not responding to trolls could be a start. I’m not sure what else – but something will have to give. Don’t give up writing these posts though, unless you have to.

  5. Wow, you’re doing a fine job! Keep on keeping on, and if you have time please explain Twitter to me. I’m not a pensioner yet but will hopefully be within the next ten years – unless they move the goalposts yet again. I too am dismayed at the Brexit-fuelled trolling that occurs on social media these days. I’m still confused why, in these strange times, we have to support the (slight) majority or shut up. But don’t get me going on that one……..

  6. Dear Katy
    There is a universal truth: ‘resistance leads to persistence’.
    Responding to trolls takes your time, your energy, your emotions, your strength. And leads to more. A bit like spam. You can’t change these people, only they can one day, one lifetime, please save your energy for all the great stuff you do and don’t waste it responding to trolls.
    And have you seen a homeopath about these dreadful periods?
    You don’t have to believe in the system for it to work. Please invest in yourself and give it a try.
    My mate who always suffered with bad periods sailed thro her menopause. My periods were ok usually but I had the dreaded migraines. Which were helped for years after homeopathy. So there may be a silver lining to the cloud of suffering.
    Also taking action but dropping anger can help keep mind emotions and therefore body, which is not separate from these, on an even keel.
    Here’s to a better week for my warrior blogger.
    Love from Denny

    • It is very true, and I know this and yet sometimes I just can’t stop poking at them. I will do better this week. I am actually seeing a homeopath. I think it’s time for a return visit! xx

  7. Katy, you are a machine, you never stop. Just look at everything you do, you are an absolute inspiration, I feel like a sloth bear in comparison.
    I know nothing about trolls except that it sounds exhausting and upsetting. Ignore ’em. They DO NOT deserve your time and attention.

  8. jenny Bertenshaw

    Katy! Just stop. Stop reading the hateful stuff, The verbal diarrhoea of the deranged.You don’t need to read it,or hear it. It simple depletes your strength and stops you going to or doing the important stuff. It’s like organising your pants drawer.Throw out the ones with holes in, the ones that are frayed . The ones that are of no use to anyone. These trolls are of no use to anyone.They serve no one.They simple pollute. Bless you sweetie..

    • I am attempting to. I’m pretty good at it for the longest while and then I tend to get sucked in again. But you are completely correct. It is time to stop. x

  9. Good lord, woman! No wonder you’re exhausted!
    People like you are what keep society functioning. I’m serious. You’re rolling up your sleeves and slogging away at the coalface of society, attending the boring, unglamorous meetings, organising, writing letters, keeping the people in charge from the local up to international levels accountable, raising awareness, helping family and neighbours and raising your family.
    What you’re doing is essential and important and I’m very grateful that you’re doing it.
    (I struggle with apathy a lot due to my depression and dealing with one occasionally suicidal, bipolar daughter and another daughter with depression, so haven’t done much more recently than argue with people on Facebook and sign petitions. But if you can fit in all that to your busy life, I’m sure I can manage to do a bit more. Thank you for the inspiration .)

    • Thank you. You’re doing what you can, and I know how difficult it can be with mental health issues on your plate. I too go through the mill now and again, and it’s an absolute bastard. Much love to you. xx

      • Much love back, and especially in view of your latest post, remember to take a rest. You don’t have to do it all at once. Xxx

  10. Sally Griffiths

    I hope you feel better soon. You are a pink haired ray of hope in a world almost entirely populated by fuckwits! xxx

  11. Hi, I m a pensioner and I so wish someone would explain Twitter to me! If I join will I have a direct line to President Trump? Sorry that exhaustion is catching up with you, I felt pretty exhausted reading how much you do/think/care. Be kind to yourself in the knowledge of how much you have inspired others to take up the causes and how empowered we have been by your spirited challenges…. and as I’ve said before Breathe..xx

    • Yes you can, and he doesn’t like it much! One day I will do a guide to Twitter. I have to confess that I try to be nice to people on Twitter in the main, but I have been very rude to Trump at least twice in the last few weeks. In my defence, your honour, I was provoked!

  12. Not surprising. Take care of yourself, you are appreciated. “The fact that people cannot step outside their bubbles for the common good and have the nerve to call anyone who does a traitor is frankly appalling.” and does not bode well for our continued survival. However one of you is offsetting many of them, so on balance we’re winning.

  13. You are one of a handful of people I know who has the right to sleep well at night (even if pain prevents it). A Wickwar Warrior. x

  14. Katy, you may be exhausted, but you are a star and you shine for many, many people. Send me a poste restante address and I’ll send you cake – I really will. Maybe via the Conservative Club room? Ha! I’m sorry about the PMT, and everything tasting of metal spoons, and the trolls and the twats. Gin, sparkling water and generous quantities of freshly squeezed lime (a tipple my son recently introduced me to) might help you over the worst of those. But cake is definitely the ultimate answer. And my promise does not have an expiry date!

  15. {{{{{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}}}}}
    Here’s a cwtch from west Wales for your amazing achievements this week 🙂

  16. I am exhausted just reading the list of things you have achieved this week! I am going through a phase where everything I do feels like I am wading through a mountain of marmalade, and as soon as I stop I collapse in a sticky heap and do as little as possible for as long as possible….

    I agree that the possible onset of the apocalypse isn’t helping, particularly when the very people who should be combating it seem to be cheerleading instead.
    I try very hard to be tolerant and open to all points of view but I must confess that sitting in a theatre hearing hundreds of people expressing deep joy as Stewart Lee called brexit and Trump supporters some very profane and intolerant things was extremely cathartic. I don’t know why ‘liberal lefties’ are expected to accept the views of ridiculous bigots with zen-like calm, especially when so many of them would have regarded the Budha as a dangerous foreigner who should be deported, if not shot, and don’t hesitate to say so.
    Unfortunately, as you have found, this kind of nonsense is not restricted to any one school of thought, extreme views breed extreme reactions wherever you find them. Personally I would convene a meeting in Charles Manson’s bathroom (providing he wasn’t presiding over it) if it meant that something positive could be done to help the community. Unless the people objecting believe the library would be forever tainted by psychotic bloodlust and regular users will become strangely attracted to nihilistic death cults as a result?

    One way we can all fight the four horsemen is to keep calling out this crap whenever we encounter it, whoever is peddling it. You are already doing a brilliant job and I know you won’t give up but, don’t let the bastards grind you down and ‘cut yourself some slack’ as DT might say, even God took a duvet day.

  17. It is exhausting just reading what you managed to do. Well done Katy and for goodness sake have a lie down. Congrats on the library. Proud of you.

  18. Well done for rejoining Amnesty. Welcome back. How you found time to even remember is a miracle. I’ve just read your new blog post. It does sound like you need to slow down a bit and look after yourself. I have no doubt that your ‘slowing down’ will be equivalent to most of the rest of us on turbo charge. Gill x

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