Did you know that small nipples are fashionable this year?
Amazing isn’t it? Someone told me that this week in the course of general chit chat. It was prefaced by the phrase, ‘you’ll love this.’ This was almost as alarming as the nipple information that followed. Probably more alarming because the person who told me this clearly knows me very well indeed.
It is my own fault for confessing on the internet my obsession with Gwyneth’s obsession with her vagina. It was only a small step from there to nipple sizing really wasn’t it? As my granny used to say, ‘as ye sow, so shall ye reap.’
I guess in my case it’s more, ‘As you fixate on vaginas, so shall nipples be thrust upon you.’
I find this boggling at so many levels. I mean I can just about understand that loon pants will be all the rage in spring/summer but dead to me by autumn/winter. I don’t follow it, but I kind of understand it. Because you know, clothes are removable and changeable and I too get very bored if I have to dress in the same thing all the time. I would have been dreadful in Mao’s revolution. Shot in week two for adding glitter inserts into my blue jumpsuit. But the thing about clothing is that it is not fastened to your body by your skin and flesh. Unlike nipples.
Nipples are not really optional. You don’t really get a lot of choice on the nipple front. As my very philosophical friend says, ‘we are where we are.’ I don’t agree with it on many levels, but I absolutely do on the nipple front.
And yes, if you’ve ever been in a ladies’ changing room in a leisure centre you will see that they come in a glorious abundance of shapes, sizes and hues, but it’s not like people hang them over a peg like a pair of swimming goggles and then come home with someone else’s wrapped in a wet towel. You have to take them with you wherever you go. Even men. Even Harry Styles who I am informed has three.
I mean, what happens if you have medium sized nipples and now you’re panicking that you’re going to be thrown out of Soho House because your nipples aren’t up to snuff? Do you go and have them lopped off by a cosmetic surgeon and itsy, bitsy, cute as a button ones put in their place?
Well, you might well. But think on. We know that fashion is a fickle mistress. It could be that by spring/summer 2018 the fashion is for nipples as big as soup plates, and then you’re right up nipple creek without surgeon. How many times can you have your nipples changed on the whim of Anna Wintour before your boobs just unravel like a tramp’s jumper?
You might be able to buy nipple disguise kits. I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m imagining a sort of corn plaster with a badly etched nipple drawn on. You could tape down the offending natural ones and pop the plaster ones over the top, which is fine until you decide to rip them off. Or they fall off in the swimming pool, or into your risotto. And you know, what would happen in a sudden cold snap when you got the chapel hat peg syndrome? Would they fly off and glue onto someone’s forehead and then you would be all, ‘shall I tell them?’ and then ‘No! I can’t tell them.’ And then ‘Oh God,’ and a bit doing that mime thing that you do when you’re trying to subtly tell someone they’ve got a crumb or a bit of eye bogey or something.
And how do you even know what a small nipple is, really? I mean after this news I went home and had a good stare at mine, which in itself was an odd experience. I have not, it transpires, spent much of my 45 years on the planet really looking my nipples in the eye, and I found it rather discomfiting. I think it was because they don’t blink. Although perhaps if they had it would have been worse. They’re very sombre things, nipples. And I stared at them for so long I felt disconnected from them and then weirded out by them. I thought they were sort of medium sized, but then I began to wonder, and it’s not like you can ask a load of people round to do a sort of identity parade of nipples to see how yours rate on a scale of tiny to humongous.
I was talking about this with my friend. We agreed it was all very confusing. She said it was worse for her because she is rather lop sided, as women tend to be in the boob department. She said she had one large and one small. I said I thought it was better for her, because unless medium sized nipples were all the go, she’d be fine standing in profile and could just get people to photograph her in profile, turn and turn about depending on the whims of fashion. Whereas I am probably doomed except for six months every five years when I will achingly fashionable nipples. It will probably be in the depths of winter and then I will be ostracised because I’m never going to struggle out of three vests to try and prove I’ve got fashionable nipples. What would Granny Weatherwax say?