Clown Killer, Killer Clown

Apart from the news that the Western world may soon be monopolised by elderly white men who think that sexually assaulting a woman is actually light hearted flirting (no change there then), and the fact that every time Theresa May mentions her Brexit plans the value of sterling plunges to 50p and a bag of grapes, we are also enduring an epidemic of killer clowns*.

What a time to be alive.

Apparently the clowns are already prowling the length and breadth of America. Some of them are even standing for the presidency. One in particular is unusually easy to spot. He’s opted for the less traditional bright orange pan stick, a mouth like a cat’s arsehole and hair like a distressed shredded wheat. Unlike other killer clowns he doesn’t carry any weapons, but if you get too close his signature move is to grab you by the pussy, so just keep your distance.

Due to the saturation of clowns across North America, some of the clowns are now in the UK, taking full advantage of our lax border controls, free NHS and benefits. When they’re not clogging up the job centres, scrounging tax credits or working cash in hand making angry balloon animals for frightened children in church halls up and down the country, they’re menacing local parks and schools.

Bastard clowns.

On a serious note, I imagine that bumping into a killer clown (despite the fact that to my knowledge they haven’t killed anyone yet) must be fucking terrifying if you’re taking your dog for a walk in the park last thing at night. I’m not that smitten with clowns, even in circus tents with all the lights on.

On the other hand, I did make myself laugh quite a lot wondering if the killer clowns, as well as wearing scary face masks, also wear hooped trousers and enormously long clown shoes. If they did, and I saw one looming out of the darkness at me, once I’d got over the initial terror, I’d be so bloody cross I’d totally go for them. I’d like to see them do a ninety degree turn and make a run for it without tripping over their shoes. Then I’d pounce.

If they got away from me there, I’m sure I’d catch up with them once they’d jumped into the getaway car, only to have all the doors fall off in the road.

*all the time I’ve been typing this post I’ve been singing Killer Clowns to the tune of Killer Queen, followed by Clown Killer to the tune of Psycho Killer by Talking Heads. Ready made ear worms. You are very welcome.

6 responses to “Clown Killer, Killer Clown

  1. We had the police helicopter out last night over our village because people have been reporting clowns threatening people in the woodland round here. A couple of nights ago there were, apparently, ‘clowns with knives’ in a town a couple of miles away. Somewhere else nearby they’d been chasing people and ‘threatening children’ (when the person posting about that was asked what specifically had been said, they couldn’t/wouldn’t say…) I’m very torn. While I understand that jumping out in front of people when they’re not expecting it, especially in a place where they’re aren’t a lot of people around – the sort of place we’ve been trained by Hollywood to expect bogeymen to hang about in – while wearing a costume is going to frighten folks, not to mention give them a hell of an adrenaline rush, it strikes me that this is the sort of stupid shit that young teenage boys will excitedly indulge in and, indeed, reports in the media seems to suggest that those who have been caught or, as in the case in Southampton, hit by a car, while wearing clown costumes have been boys aged about 13.

    It is turning into an urban myth. I very much doubt there is anything like as many idiots in clown suits hanging around in woodland out there as they think. The hysteria that ramped up on the community Facebook page for my village last night was equally hilarious and alarming to behold – I was forced to post a photo of the The Simpsons’ Springfield town mob carrying flaming torches after reading the macho comments about, effectively, getting a posse up and searching the woods so the clown (remember, most likely a 13-year old boy and quite probably a family member of one of these ‘hard nuts’) could, and I quote, “get a good pasting”. It’s just a good job we don’t carry guns in this country.

    • Yes. That’s the thing. It’s probably just teenagers being dickheads, it’s what they do. I don’t really think we need to hang them from the trees quite yet

  2. Apparently a 13 year old boy in a clown suit was arrested in Newcastle and found to be carrying a knife. Apart from that the ones up there seem to mostly be standing outside primary schools scaring the kids. A Facebook friend’s cousin was apparently chased down the street by someone in a clown mask (said cousin is terrified of clowns).
    Personally I don’t understand it. Clearly these people have too much time on their hands!

  3. I’m hovering somewhere between incredulity and dismay at the moment. The list of things I struggle to comprehend is increasing daily, maybe it’s my age.
    On reading that there has been an epidemic of people in America dressing up as ‘evil clowns’, usually carrying weapons and scaring the bejaysus out of passing strangers; who actually thinks ‘that sounds like fun, I’m off to get myself a mask and some sharp kitchen utensils’?
    Even making allowances for the idiocy of youth (and I suspect not all of them are teenagers), the chances of it backfiring and someone beating the shit out of you, a pack of enraged locals hunting you down or getting arrested – or maybe a nightmare scenario of all three – would surely cross your mind?
    I never have found clowns particularly funny but I did have a chuckle at the thought of you pursuing one wearing infeasibly large shoes (the clown that is, but either way works for me).

    There is nothing remotely funny about the clown running for president or the fact that apparently 40% of Americans still consider him to be fit for office. As you so eloquently said in your last post, it isn’t just the words and actions of the man himself, but the responses to them that beggar belief.
    I don’t have much to add except that it is no coincidence that I am with a man who could no more speak in such a manner, let alone act in that way, than he could become the next president of the United States. Which shows just how fucked up that is.
    However I have met enough men who can and do both, to be saddened but not at all surprised to hear that millions of women responded as they did on twitter.
    I am also depressed by the women who continue to defend him.
    Although I am aware of women who deliberately disregard/undermine other women and their experiences, instead of supporting them, it is still a shocking betrayal. If we don’t stand together how can we ever hope to defeat these attitudes and assumptions?
    Every US woman who declares she is going to vote for Trump is legitimising his behaviour and giving like-minded men permission to do the same. She (and his male supporters) are belittling his victims, and de facto the victims of sexual intimidation and abuse everywhere, by saying they are not ‘important enough’ to influence their decision on whether to elect a man, who is at best amoral, to the highest office in the country.

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