Yesterday saw Theresa May take the reins as our new Prime Minister. Those of you persistent and hardy souls who check in here regularly to find out what things have been keeping me up all night enough to blog about them in a bleary eyed haze the next morning, will know that I have very mixed feelings about this.
They veer between horror, terror and a rubber necking fascination mostly.
She gave her first speech as PM yesterday afternoon. I have to say it sounded very reasonable. But, as ever, because I am picky, picky, picky, I have issues with it.
Firstly, her voting record belies everything she says that she is now going to stand for. The rough thrust of the speech was, ‘the common man must not suffer under austerity any more because it’s just not fair.’ This is, I think we can all (well, apart from the 1%) agree, a reasonable thing to say. Except that it is undercut by the fact that she always has been a hardcore supporter of the austerity cuts that put the common man in that position in the first place. What she says and what she does, like many of her ilk, do not make a happy marriage.
Secondly her talk about giving the centre ground a run for its money so the Labour party better watch out. Hmmm. That will be why she has started to fill her cabinet with hard right campaigners then. Also, see yesterday’s post about centre right Labour. Just argh.
At her first soiree, she will be serving breadsticks and croutons, on a bed of toast.
Thirdly, she had promised to reporters, earlier in the day, a more woman focused cabinet. She then went on to appoint one woman. One. That one woman is Amber Rudd, the energy secretary, who will now be home secretary. This is the energy secretary who failed to declare her brother had interests in Hinkley Point power station when she had to make key decisions about it. The energy secretary who has championed fracking, taken away support for people who wish to fit their houses with solar panels, and who has failed to hit any of the carbon emissions targets set for the country since she’s been responsible for it. Let’s hope she’s better suited to her new position. Somehow I doubt it.
May made much in her speech of a move towards a ‘one nation’ brand of Conservatism. If this is in any way like Cameron’s big society we are fucked, unless what she means is actually the 1% nation, in which case the 1% will be happy and the rest of us will be fucked.
So, as far as I can tell, it’s business as usual for the Tories.
But all credit to whoever is in charge of spin.
And I cannot wait to see her shoving through the snooper’s charter, so she can spy on us all. That will be useful for when she dismantles our part in the European Bill of Human Rights so we won’t get a fair trial or appeal when she puts us all in chokey for watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race without the right paperwork.
After the speech, which at least made us think she hadn’t just been running around the cabinet office with a wicker basket on her head singing: ‘I’m in the money!’ all afternoon, came the cabinet appointments.
That’s when the wheels fell off.
This is when I thought she’d actually spent the afternoon chasing Pokemon through Number Ten and just pulled some random names out of a hat when she realised the time and thought: ‘Fucking hell. I’d better build a cabinet…Right after I catch this Jigglypuff.’
We’ve dealt with Amber Rudd. Let’s have a quick skirl through the rest shall we?
Good news is, mad Gidiot, George Osborne was given the order of the boot. Having singularly failed to deliver a single one of his promises to the electorate and having borrowed more money than every Labour government ever, while watching the pound sink to the value of an old button he found down the back of the sofa, his work was clearly done. Now we have Philip Hammond steering the ship.
This is Hammond who said that the banks could not be blamed for the banking crisis that got us into this mess in the first place. It was, he said, the fault of those people who had taken loans from those banks. As ‘consenting adults’ they should have known better than to trust the banks wouldn’t fuck it up for them. As far as he’s concerned it wasn’t the banking crisis, it was the ‘people crisis’.
This is boding well for Theresa’s promise to help out the common man then. Good, good.
He has also announced this morning that the UK will leave the single market. He then went on to outline his plans for what we would do instead, which basically sounds like joining the single market.
It’s all Brexit means Brexit, and with the same level of careful planning.
That is the best of it. Sadly.
After this, things get increasingly dicey.
First up we have David Davis, not quite so good they named him twice. David has been given the shiny new job of Brexit Secretary. He showed us how absolutely well suited he was for this this morning, by announcing that he would be making separate trade deals with all EU member states, despite the fact that being in the EU trading block specifically denies member countries the right to make separate trade deals with other countries.
I’m thrilled he knows just what he’s doing. After all, we need someone competent to steer this car crash in the right direction.
Straight back into the wall we ran it into three weeks ago. Cheers David.
Coming in as International Trade Secretary we have disgraced ex-defence minister Liam Fox. Liam Fox who took his wet behind the ears random mate/protege to key, confidential meetings about our country’s nuclear defence plans in strict contravention of any and all confidentiality/official secrets act rules, just for a jolly.
Another pair of safe hands there. I think you’ll agree.
I’ve saved the best till last, even though the world and his wife knows what’s coming next.
Boris Johnson is now our Foreign Secretary.
I did think of just making that one sentence my entire blog post for today.
Boris Johnson who has repeatedly talked about ‘picaninnies’ with ‘watermelon smiles’, when referring to African people. Boris Johnson who wrote a poem about the Turkish president accusing him of being a goat fucker. Boris Johnson who called Barack Obama ‘half Kenyan’ and meant it as a slur.
This is the man who will not only represent us globally and broker deals with people he has accused of knobbing ovines, but who will also be responsible for MI6. Our global reputation and security rests in the hands of a man who makes Prince Philip look like the world’s leading diplomat.
I don’t know why we just don’t scrap the Union Jack and just have a huge picture of Boris with a red nose driving a clown car and honking on a massive horn with the words ‘Parp Parp’ in Latin underneath as our motto.
The only thing I can think might be in his favour is that given that he still seems to think we are in the days of rampant colonial expansion, Philip Hammond can send him to broker deals with the strings of beads and wampum that will soon replace our outmoded worthless currency.