I Think I May Have Found The Plan

My blog post of yesterday, predicting that we are now living through the Eighties again, seems all the more relevant today as I woke to the news that the pound has not fallen this low since about 1985. This was the year that the miner’s strike reached its peak, Enoch Powell climbed out of his box to spread more hatred, this time about the Wandsworth Riots, and Arthur Negus died.

The Antiques Roadshow has never been the same since. I have to watch it on catch up now, due to my perpetual irritation with Fiona Bruce’s dreadful taste in suits.

When they come to collate the events of 2016 on Wikipedia, they’re going to need more than a page. At the moment we’re on about a page an hour and rising. Eventually they will have to invent an entirely new Internet just for Brexit. Currently, boffins at CERN are working out how to use the Hadron Collider to do this:

‘Geoff, just push the big green button.’

‘Nothing’s happening, Steve.’

‘Turn it off and then turn it back on again.’

‘Right you are.’

‘And if that doesn’t work, hit it with a hammer.’

Essentially, this dialogue also sums up the singularly poor efforts being made by absolutely nobody in particular at fixing anything that has been broken over the last two weeks.

In the meantime, more things keep breaking. My Twitter feed is like watching a toddler running amok in John Lewis china department, fuelled by Haribo and Coca Cola.

Today, everybody is distracted by the things being broken by the fallout of the Chilcot Report, which is at least nearer to us in time than 1985, but not any more cheering. I cannot say that I am surprised to find that Tony Blair merrily led us into a war in the full knowledge that he was lying through his teeth about the Weapons of Mass Destruction. I thought Adrian Mole was the only person who didn’t know, and he’s fictional.

Still, I suppose it gives our MPs something else to beat each other about the head and neck with, while the rest of us just wish they would get on with their fucking jobs and make some decisions.

I am now clinging to a small photograph of Mark Carney like a woman convinced that her lucky rabbit’s foot is going to cure consumption, globally.

The fact that his only solution thus far is to release £150 billion of the £250 billion he has in the sock drawer, and make it easier for common folk to get into debt, is not a great one. Nor is Osborne’s decision to give companies yet another tax break to persuade them not to throw us under the bus just yet, but at least they’re doing something, even if it is the same old shit that contributed to getting us here in the first place.

I have been told, again, by some wearisome leave voters, that I must stop panicking. Apparently it is my panicking that is causing all this. Mine, and ‘people like me’.

Firstly, I am not panicking. I am beyond panic. I am now in the realms of that quiet, calm land that lies somewhere beyond despair.

Secondly, even though I have a fairly robust ego, I do not see how it is possible for my feelings and those of people like me to cause the pound to sink to its lowest level in thirty years, no matter how fucking annoyed I might be about it.

I have already pointed out that I am no financial expert, but I have always believed the stock exchange to run along some kind of buying and selling lines, rather than being fuelled by the emotions of middle aged housewives, but you know, please feel free to prove me wrong on this. The feeling of power would be immense for a woman who forgot her son’s packed lunch once this week already and is feeling increasingly disenfranchised by the day.

I would also like to know if it is my feelings that are responsible for the Financial Times, usually one of the more fiscally sombre newspapers around, publishing figures today suggesting that there are 700,000 less jobs available this week, thanks to companies’ reticence at employing people in an uncertain post Brexit landscape. I read the piece. At no point did it say: ‘We can fairly and squarely put this down to the ridiculously girly behaviour of Mrs Boo, and those like her, who will insist on getting a bit emotional, when all that is required to sort us out is a stiff upper lip.’ But there may be a small paragraph somewhere that I’ve missed.

Perhaps it is also my fault that the North East and North Yorkshire will lose £665 million in funding if we leave the EU in 2020, as reported in The Northern Echo today.

I am indeed powerful. Hear me roar.

But hang on. Maybe there is something in all this?

I am wondering if there was a plan all along, and it was just David Cameron and the cabinet locked in a darkened room, watching an endlessly repeating gif of Lance Corporal Jones from Dad’s Army, shouting: ‘Don’t panic, Mr. Mainwaring!’ whilst leaping about with his outmoded bayonet replaced by a photoshopped picture of a Trident missile.

Yep. That’s it.

That is the plan.



48 responses to “I Think I May Have Found The Plan

  1. My residence permit is valid for another 4 years. I wonder if Switzerland will let me stay after that if I claim to be a refugee??

  2. Your sentence ‘I am not panicking. I am beyond panic. I am now in the realms of that quiet calm land that lies somewhere beyond despair.’ sums up exactly how I feel. However, I am also cranky, depressed, and STILL angry. The fact that it hasn’t stopped raining here since Brexit, and that I have to visit the dread UK at the end of the week aren’t helping any.
    Amidst your other reading, did you come across this? Not sure what to think about it to be honest. I have, latterly, come to respect a lot of stuff published in the Grauniad, but I’m not sure what to make of this one yet.


  3. Katy, you don’t get it. Of course it’s your fault! All of it! First, everything was the EU’s fault, but since we’re now leaving, it has to be the fault of every single person who didn’t want to leave, especially those who have a valid point (or two). Or non-EU foreigners, for added measure, though they have sod-all to do with all this. Or whoever else isn’t willing to help pushing this country down the cliff.
    It’s only the beginning. More scapegoats needed urgently while “make Britain great again” turns out to become an applicable slogan in about three years time, when Britain will be squarely out of the EU and trade on WTO rules with most countries. That’s when economy will take a much deeper dive than now.

    Funny that the regions that rely most heavily on EU subsidies were also the regions with the biggest share of Brexiters. The North, Cornwall, hell even Wales (and they have plenty of signs like these: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jun/25/view-wales-town-showered-eu-cash-votes-leave-ebbw-vale)

    As for Trident: Where will they be based once Scotland says “so long suckers” to the kingdom formerly known as united?

    • Ah! Now you explain it, it all makes sense!

      Yes I did read the Guardian article. Frustrating doesn’t even begin to cover it.

      They’re not putting Trident in my shed. I’ve only just cleared it out.

  4. absolutely fabulous

  5. I’ve just eagerly read your latest blog “I think I have a plan”. Short of turning the planet of and back on again I’m not sure it always works. However this morning I got my update from Monbiot and I think he does have a plan that might just work. It was publised in the Guardian but if you sign up for Monbiot’s direct updates you don’t have to filter out the rest of the paper. It seem too good to be true but I await the results of the the meeting he was heading to that hasnt yet had a mention on the news.
    Read it here http://bit.ly/29yquo7

  6. Speaking as a Scottish person, we think the Thames would be perfect. Right beside Westminster.

  7. I’m headed to the liquor cabinet. Again.

  8. I’m afraid I ignored everything you said after the words ‘sock draw’ when my inner pedant awakened and started screaming ‘drawer! drawer! drawer!’ Sorry. 🙂

  9. Oh Katy you always make me laugh. Keep that shed tidy girlfriend.!

    I find I am not moving through the steps of grief very well. I thought I was getting beyond angry but no waves of incandescent rage fill me up and I could cheerfully hit someone. I just had a screaming chatroom tantrum with a leaver. The rage just welled up. Arrogant prick. Thought he could calmly come onto a Remain page and politely explain why we all had to stop asking for anything, thought he could explain to me where my thinking was wrong if I would just let him. Waves and waves of …..
    I don’t know why my handle is Jacksoup, I don’t even remember setting up the account but really my name is Jane. Keep up the pecker and maybe clean out the other shed. Loving your blog

    • I keep pinging backwards and forwards between anger and calm. I did unfriend someone today over something ridiculous they said, and they were a remainer. I just must have a very low tolerance threshold for the idiotic at the moment. Happy to have you here, Jane. x

  10. I feel like there is nowhere we can go, it is so so so frustratingly helpless, yet I am not yet prepared to shrug and just carry on and pretend it will be ok, as so many I know. I am still so angry. Thanks for your blog.

  11. Reblogged this on AN other blog of our growing family…..a day in the crazy-wonderful world of a Webb… and commented:
    It all seems so pointless, so twisted, and I feel so helpless. What does this mean for our future and that of our children?? Scared scared scared and so extremely angry.

  12. Why are so many leave voters so bloody angry all the time? Their favourite repost is ‘you lost, we won, get over it and stop whining’ so they should be in a state of victorious optimism and ignoring the silly, deluded remainers until the day (when Britain is great again, meaning and date unspecified) they can complete the gloating by pointing out they were right. Instead they seem to be trawling social media/pro remain media/whatever, searching for anyone or anything that seems to contradict their view so that they can hurl abuse at them/it. If their object is an attempt to win hearts and minds then someone needs to have a word, it’s not much of a strategy. Otherwise I’m going to have to assume that, despite spending much of their time like two of the three monkeys, a creeping uneasiness is setting in….

    • I know. It’s like winning pass the parcel and then shouting at everyone about it and keeping shouting about it rather than just getting on and enjoying the parcel.

    • Even the ones who claim to be consumed by the “sunny uplands” vision of post-Brexit Britain sound more like the Black Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” when they brush aside what’s happening out there right now. I say that a mere scratch it fucking is not, but no doubt they’ll still be biting when there are no arms or legs or torso….

      PS: apologies for the 1970s Python reference but no doubt we will be back to even earlier historical parallels in due course.

      PPS: I completely share the sentiments of those who are also still very angry. The prospect of surveying a democracy that gives us Corbyn, Brexit and Leadsom within a year is adding to the pain rather than allowing it to be processed, so I’m settled in for long-term rage.

  13. Having moved through the 5 stages of grief since the Referendum, and having stayed at ‘angry’ for most of the past fortnight, I am now moving to ‘scared’. Really properly scared. It is like watching a car crash in slow motion. It feels like the country is just building up for a whole series of strikes, riots and general depression.

    I have been clinging to your blog because you very nicely articulate exactly how I am feeling, and also because I am desperately looking for positive things that I and others can do to try to get the UK out of this mess. Like you I have joined a political party – something I never thought I would do, but I have had enough of self-interested w*nkers deciding what happens in this country.

    Just as the Chilcot report has demonstrated that lies lead to bad decisions – with repercussions way beyond what the person telling the lie might have foreseen – I feel that it will soon be universally recognised that the Leave campaign, with its misrepresentations and sophistry (and subsequent abandonment of key campaigners), has been possibly the most egregious instance of misleading the public in the modern era.

    What a complete and pointless mess the UK is in. I am so scared for my kids’ future.

  14. smerlinchesters

    I don’t feel angry anymore, I feel despair. I had an argument with a leave voter today, not because she voted leave but because she thought that friggin’ Italian NHS was financed by the United Kingdom through Europe (together with the Greek one!) and that was the reason why we didn’t pay for.. prescriptions!
    I could NOT maintain my calm and I angrily told her that the Italian NHS existed from 1968 and the United Kingdom never paid a penny in it, not before European Union existed, not later. Plus the last free prescriptions we had was probably in the 1980s….
    Question: are the leavers making it up as they go? Because they actually appear like they do not have any information correct!!
    Oh she wanted to get rid of Pakistani and Indians. I said she should have voted out of Commonwealth for that one.
    I feel despair, only despair at the enormous display of ignorance by so many people (this lady has a degree, so the uneducated trope doesn’t work!)

    • Oh God. How many of those kind of discussions have I had over the past few weeks, including someone who thinks their bone density scan results will now come back quicker from hospital because of BREXIT. There are no words.

  15. Can’t be an ostrich anymore

  16. jenny Bertenshaw

    Love your blog Katy .Just found it. You sum up exactly how I feel/have felt about this bloody stupid ,ill advised Brexit. I am perhaps madder than many,as an Ex-pat Brit.denied the democratic right to vote(because of arbitrary and ever moving time line.20yrs.. 5yrs.. now 15 yrs since I resided in the Uk..altho I still pay tax’s)I have had to watch helplessly as everything I hold dear is swept away. unable to do anything about it.. Along with about 2 million other ex-pat Brits. Cameron promised us the vote before he got into power(once Richard Gardener had delivered 100,000 French votes to his campaign to get into power in the GE ) Once in no 10 he welched on it ,then told us it was ‘too late to arrange before BREXIT.’. The date hadn’t even been set.at that point . In view of that article in the Grauniad it all looks a tad suspicious now. If he had truly wanted to remain in the EU two million+ votes ,the majority of which would have been remain. would have definitely swung it for him. I have spent 30 yrs living and working within the EU and seen nothing but progress. I am appalled at the lies told to the Brits. Appalled that they have now denied their youth the chances I had and my kids. Appalled that they have spat on Churchills dream and put Europe at risk again. I no longer recognise my own country. I used to live in the Netherlands for a time. and was stricken to hear the PM call Britain a country without Honour. I have to agree
    p,s It actually wasn’t ‘The NORTH who voted leave. It was area’s.. and counties.. Cheshire voted out.. But Lancashire.. Manchester Stockport voted remain. Liverpool (merseyside)who had over two billion euro’s in EU money.. voted remain.It was more the midlands area’s with high immigration who voted Leave.. Again the sad turning of a vote on the EU into one on immigration… I also wonder how the Government managed to bully the people into accepting a ‘one off’ referendum ? (it’s just an indication of mood)
    Most EU countries would hold at least two,sometimes more..

    • It is so frustrating that people in your position were denied the vote. Also yes, the country is not so black and white in its divisions. Here in Leicester city for example we voted in, but around us, they all voted out.

    • smerlinchesters

      @jenny EU citizens who were in the electoral roll were also denied the vote. For example, Scottish residents with a EU citizenship can vote in everything except UK parliamentary elections. Always voted for referenda and local elections. So they excluded 5 million people from voting and it’s those 5 millions who are now in the position of getting hit by the harshest consequences from Brexit

  17. Here’s another one of those ‘pesky experts’ doing their ‘scaremongering’ thing. He’s been around for long enough to know what he’s talking about. It’s a pity he wasn’t sitting on Cameron’s shoulder a few weeks ago. https://www.opencanada.org/features/brexit-post-mortem-17-takeaways-fallen-david-cameron/

  18. I can only hope so Gerry Rust. Katy did you see the 6pm Beeb tonight? For the first time they referred to the referendum as the vote that gained a “slim” majority. Normally they say “overwhelming”… encouraging. Then the business reporter was on to talk about the damage done… “so far”. Consumer confidence figures are out tomorrow, should be interesting. It is a sad state of affairs when you are sitting there hoping that a poor economic forecast might wake up some of the voters. Who wants to wish a bad economy on us? Not me.

  19. Great writing Katy, please keep up the “sane voice in a f*d up World” commentary!

    Interesting article from Canada, just a shame that DC hadn’t read Janet & John do Referenda….


  20. I can’t believe the Leave crown turn around and blame you and people like you for the current state. I can respect more the Leave people who would say that there was bound to be economic fallout and expecting to weather the storm. Blaming anyone for disagreeing with them smacks of delusion and denial.

    I suppose I can relate it to my religious upbringing. A culture of the belief coming first and finding whatever justification coming after. A lot of the remain vs leave debates remind me of the religious ones. Both sides convinced of being right and neither prepared to budge.

    I have been in discussion with a remain supporting friend. Even though we are on the same side, the way he has been arguing and expressing himself has done no favours at all.

    • It’s difficult I suppose. the thing is, we have been asked to make a binary decision about something so complex that is not binary at all, and it makes for strange pairings for a lot of us.

  21. The pound is falling because we didn’t “just reach out and pull together and focus on making Great Britain great again”.

  22. Love your rambling thoughts. I feel completely out of step with how many other people are thinking and then I read your blog and smile.

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