Let us survey the political landscape.
Maybe bombscape would be a better descriptor.
The Labour leadership is currently being fought over in a manner roughly reminiscent of a pack of hyenas playing tug of war with the juicy remains of a wounded antelope.
Meanwhile, arch climber of greasy poles, Boris Johnson has slithered down and away from the upcoming Tory leadership fight after landing us in this mess in the first place. A friend of mine suggested that he is now holed up in his underground bunker, waiting to rise on the wings of the next general election so he can take over whatever is left of the UK. As long as he will still feel as good sitting on smoking piles of rubble, and he can speak irradiated rat, I think he’s in with a good chance. They probably do rat languages at Eton, so he’ll be fine.
Gove, in the meantime has shown his true colours by stabbing Boris in the back and reneging on his oft repeated claim that he is constitutionally incapable of running the country. He has enlisted the help of his wife’s Twitter followers to put his manifesto together, and is now absolutely sure he is the best man for the job. For those who are unaware of his wife, she is a columnist for the Daily Mail. I think this is all that needs saying on the matter.
My friend believes Gove is actually an alien in a meat suit, reminiscent of the Slitheen from Dr. Who. I think she has a point.
Although I’m still toying with the idea that he is the bastard love child of Pob, Nigel Farage and Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. An unholy trinity I think you will admit.
Other candidates for PM, include Theresa May, the woman who wants to dismantle the European Bill of Human Rights and is already talking about forced repatriation; Stephen Crabb who believes homosexuality is a disease that can be cured by Jesus, disgraced minister Liam Fox, and Andrea Leadsom who has some very dubious backers including Arron Banks.
Yes, that Arron Banks. The single major funder of the UKIP party. He has also just announced he thinks that UKIP is a bit old hat, and is toying with launching a new party, a Farageless party, because Arron thinks he’s peaked. So I hope Andrea’s not banking on too much loyalty here.
This is what we have inherited in one week.
My friend suggested the leadership vote should be decided via another referendum as we did so well with the first one. I have two suggestions. One, a tombola and two, a Beyond Thunderdome, Mad Max style cage fight system. I keep lobbying for this idea. It’s not getting old for me.
In the meantime I have been compiling a list of more electable options I would rather run the country. So far I have whittled it down to:
Father Dougal from Father Ted
Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang commercials
The Chuckle Brothers
A tin of Heinz tomato soup
Our local cub scout pack
In all seriousness, Obama is out of a job in October, and I think he might do fine. I shall write to him and see whether he is available. Failing that I suggest we sink all that remains of our money into a plot to kidnap Justin Trudeau and force him to stay here until he sorts everything out for us.
Your fantasy parliament candidates?