Fantasy Football League – Parliament Stylie

Let us survey the political landscape.

Maybe bombscape would be a better descriptor.

The Labour leadership is currently being fought over in a manner roughly reminiscent of a pack of hyenas playing tug of war with the juicy remains of a wounded antelope.

Meanwhile, arch climber of greasy poles, Boris Johnson has slithered down and away from the upcoming Tory leadership fight after landing us in this mess in the first place. A friend of mine suggested that he is now holed up in his underground bunker, waiting to rise on the wings of the next general election so he can take over whatever is left of the UK. As long as he will still feel as good sitting on smoking piles of rubble, and he can speak irradiated rat, I think he’s in with a good chance. They probably do rat languages at Eton, so he’ll be fine.

Gove, in the meantime has shown his true colours by stabbing Boris in the back and reneging on his oft repeated claim that he is constitutionally incapable of running the country. He has enlisted the help of his wife’s Twitter followers to put his manifesto together, and is now absolutely sure he is the best man for the job.  For those who are unaware of his wife, she is a columnist for the Daily Mail. I think this is all that needs saying on the matter.

My friend believes Gove is actually an alien in a meat suit, reminiscent of the Slitheen from Dr. Who. I think she has a point.

Although I’m still toying with the idea that he is the bastard love child of Pob, Nigel Farage and Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. An unholy trinity I think you will admit.

Other candidates for PM, include Theresa May, the woman who wants to dismantle the European Bill of Human Rights and is already talking about forced repatriation; Stephen Crabb who believes homosexuality is a disease that can be cured by Jesus,  disgraced minister Liam Fox, and Andrea Leadsom who has some very dubious backers including Arron Banks.

Yes, that Arron Banks. The single major funder of the UKIP party. He has also just announced he thinks that UKIP is a bit old hat, and is toying with launching a new party, a Farageless party, because Arron thinks he’s peaked. So I hope Andrea’s not banking on too much loyalty here.

This is what we have inherited in one week.

My friend suggested the leadership vote should be decided via another referendum as we did so well with the first one. I have two suggestions. One, a tombola and two, a Beyond Thunderdome, Mad Max style cage fight system. I keep lobbying for this idea. It’s not getting old for me.

In the meantime I have been compiling a list of more electable options I would rather run the country. So far I have whittled it down to:

Carole Vorderman

Father Dougal from Father Ted

Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang commercials

The Chuckle Brothers

A tin of Heinz tomato soup

Our local cub scout pack

Dusty Bin.

In all seriousness, Obama is out of a job in October, and I think he might do fine. I shall write to him and see whether he is available. Failing that I suggest we sink all that remains of our money into a plot to kidnap Justin Trudeau and force him to stay here until he sorts everything out for us.

Your fantasy parliament candidates?



37 responses to “Fantasy Football League – Parliament Stylie

  1. Better yet, have a referendum asking if you shoud become a colony of Canada and share our Prime Minister. You could even keep the Queen.

    • Sounds like a good plan to me.

    • Yes, I like your plan. I was going to comment that kidnapping Justin Trudeau might work – after all, the UK already has one Canadian, the one looking after money – but yours is a friendlier solution. If the UK becomes a colony of Canada, this also saves the trouble of renegotiating with the EU – Canada spent 7 years going that; it’s done.

      • The more we discuss it, the more convinced I am that this is truly they way forward. I can’t see Trudeau turning us down. He’s nice to refugees.

  2. Happy with your suggestion – he hangs in my kitchen. [image1.JPG]

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Stephen Fry

  4. Brother in law lives in Canada; might pull some strings. 🤔

  5. I’m thinking of nominating my Mum. She wouldn’t stand for any messing about and a few well-placed thick ears might be just what they need!

  6. At least you have a plan.

  7. What about Mark Carney? I have to admit having an “Oh my!” moment when he announced the result last Friday. And he’s so not my usual brand of strangely attractive.
    As for Mr Gove – just Google “Louis Tully Ghostbusters”. It’s definitely him. Can’t see Theresa as Sigourney though.

  8. After watching England crash out to Iceland on Monday, I’m nominating Ian ‘Wrighty” Wright. Passionate. Gorgeous. Inspiring. Gorgeous. Did I say gorgeous? Grrrr!!

  9. Jacqui Higgins

    Princess Leia: she has the family credentials, not anything-phobic, can rally the troops in a crisis and has a fine line in sarcasm. Do we have any communication with a galaxy far, far away?

  10. Sorry, Justin’s not available. If you can wait 35 years, maybe one of his offspring can lend a hand. It seems to be a pattern with that family. Oh, and Happy Canada Day, eh? 🇨🇦
    -Jim in British Columbia (not to be confused with Brexit Brazil)

  11. “Your fantasy parliament candidates?”

    Since I watch a lot of Cbeebies these days, I think any of their characters will do better than our current political “elite”. My daughter loves them all, so they must be good. Also, there should be enough of them to fill Labour’s shadow cabinet as well, while we’re at it.

    Cookiemonster has potential as well, though it’s an addict and not very popular in British telly. Would need Rupert Murdoch as a backer to raise the profile.

    Or if you prefer somebody who can fix absolutely any problem with tools such as, say, safety pins: MacGyver.

  12. I’ll go with mum’s. They have ideal experience at negotiating, budgeting, managing, staying up late in a crisis, a sound use of common sense, more sound use of common sense. Just make sure their kids have grown up. First thing they’d do is restore funding for uni for the unrich. Way to go.

  13. I have just discovered your blog, thanks to your excellent viral post. You were obviously sent in my hour of need as you seem to be articulating pretty much exactly what I have been thinking/ranting about for the last week. I have ricocheted from anger to despair and incredulity to depression for days and frankly I am bloody exhausted now. I feel like I’m at half time in a rugby match against the 52% and I should be eating oranges (that dates me, they probably take performance enhancing drugs and have sports massages now, which I would infinitely prefer) and considering strategies for the next scrum. Bearing in mind I was always crap at sports, I need to come up with something quick. I turned into a bit of an armchair warrior months ago, I’m now averaging about 4 petitions a day so obviously I have already signed all the ones you mentioned and a whole lot more. I have found myself agreeing with Michael Heseltine, wondering if it would have been better to let Alistair Campbell run the Remain campaign (on the premise it takes one devious conscienceless shit to defeat another) and Tim Fallon seems to think I am a supporter, God knows why, and I actually felt a momentary temptation to join him as requested, as they are the only anti Brexit party we appear to have. WTF is going on?! Sorry for the lengthy comment but it’s taken some of the pressure off my partner who is going to have to wear ear defenders in future if I don’t find some other outlet soon….

    • I hear you, and please do, comment away. It’s good for all of us to get this stuff out there. I wish I knew the answers. Keep on keeping on.

  14. Mr Spock.
    Failing that, Bilbo Baggins.

  15. Oh go on, father dougle, it’ll be grand!!

  16. Great insightful, intelligent blog – not a lot of those out there….

    I quite liked the video Eric Cantona posted the other – yes I know, apparently that was for England manager, but I think he could do PM as well!

  17. smerlinchesters

    Edmund Blackadder? Because let’s say it aloud, it cannot go worse than this. If that fails, we’ve yo find the One Ring.. although I doubt that it’ll rule them all, not even Sauron could make those leeches at the Parliament get along

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