The bronzing of the ears

At the moment I am, as we know, very much using make up as a weapon of fear and surprise. It has been working well.

Over the weekend I felt rather poorly. This trailed into Monday and part of Tuesday and I went back to looking pale, ghoulish and baggy eyed because frankly, that was how I felt and it was far too much effort to pretend otherwise.

I had perked up by yesterday afternoon, and as I was due to go to the pub quiz later on, I decided to do the decent thing. Tallulah was keen to get her hands on me. I have recently acquired the Urban Decay, Naked 3 palette and she has wanted to play with it ever since I bought it. I allowed her to do my face for me.

She used to do make up and hair for me when she was very little. Mostly this was a terrible punishment as she was extremely fascist in her approach, and it involved lots of shouting and hitting you on the head with the hair brush if you so much as raised an eyebrow. There was no small talk, no  chit  chat, just endless, barked orders and pain.  It did, however, give me the excuse to sit down for half an hour, and sometimes even close my eyes, and in those days of the sleep deprived, infant wilderness years, it was worth the anguish.

Except that day when she coloured my face in with navy blue eyeshadow and even when I had washed it vigorously with hot soapy water, I still looked like I’d been in a fight…in a coal mine.

These days, however, she has raised her game as far as make up goes. She watches endless tutorials on Youtube and is completely switched on about such matters. I feel I can trust her enough for me to not have to worry about her sending me off to the pub looking like that clown from the Stephen King novel.

As she makes up my face, she chats to me.

This is what I like best. I love it when we get time together where she just chats, not when she has an agenda, or is in a rush to do something else, or is competing with her siblings. Just those times when she tells me what’s on her mind. Sometimes it’s serious. Sometimes it’s just nonsense. Sometimes it’s a bit of everything, but it’s really lovely.

And she never asks me where I’m going on my holidays.

Yesterday I ascertained that the school hawk business is still very much a live issue. She is still cross about it, and this crossness has been exacerbated by the fact that they were encouraged to talk about it and share their views on it in tutorial yesterday. She said what she thought and her tutor said that she should not be so negative. As she so rightly said: ‘What’s the point of asking your opinion if they don’t want to hear it?’ I feel like this a lot. It’s training them up for when they come to vote.

She also talks to me about her latest make up innovations and discoveries. Yesterday it was all about the bronzing and highlighting of my cheeks, apparently. She can be a bit flamboyant when it comes to applying powder, and I raised concerns yesterday that my ears were getting a lot more bronzed than I would necessarily like. She shrugged quite cheerfully and said: ‘Well, that’s what first attracted dad to you when you met. He loves a bronzed ear.’

At which point he appeared from the hallway to confirm that he did indeed find my bronzed ears a huge turn on, and were it not for the fact that I had a pub quiz to go to, he would have almost certainly had to whisk my ears away for a romantic tete a tete, or oreille a oreille as it should more accurately be known.

So, if you want to drive a man wild, bronzed ears are the way forward.

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