I am feeling a bit strange at the moment. It’s not bad, strange. It’s just odd. I was thinking about it at the weekend and trying to put my finger on it. I’m not sure I’ve succeeded, so this may well turn out to be one of those rambling, inconsequential posts where I thread my way through thoughts that don’t really end up anywhere at all.
I think partly I’m still very much in hibernation mode. I’m tired and things are a bit of an effort. I’m not exhausted any more, which is fantastic, and things are becoming less of an effort. Spring is definitely in the air, but it’s slow going. Everything is slow going. The way I process my thoughts, the things I need to do, the things I want to do. Whatever time I allot for stuff I really need to triple it and add a bit, and accept the fact that even then, whatever it is, is unlikely to be finished.
I am surprised at how patient I am being with myself over this. I am not a patient person as a rule. I like to power through things at a billion miles an hour and am super, super self critical if I can’t do that. It seems though, that for the moment, my nagging, inner critic has also gone into hibernation. I am hoping she doesn’t bother waking up again. It’s actually quite nice to accept that I’m doing what I can with what I have and that is good enough for now. It’s novel, but I think it could catch on.
I’m eating when I’m hungry. I’m sleeping when I’m tired. I’m walking more, but not beating myself up if I don’t or can’t. I’m accepting when the day goes to hell in a hand cart and turns out to be nothing like the day I had planned out. I am adjusting things in accordance to the way things are, and learning that it’s OK to be satisfied with that. This is good given that several days last week went to hell and this morning’s plans were annihilated by Tallulah having an infected ear lobe and us spending quality time together in the doctor’s surgery.
My thoughts are quieter. I am less stressed. I am still somewhat stressed as my chewed inner cheeks, ground teeth and weird dreams can attest, but I don’t feel like I am on pins and needles all the time, inside and out. I don’t feel revved up, and as if my brain simply cannot hold all the thoughts swirling around inside it. I feel calmer. I would say this feels nice. I expect it will, if it continues. Mostly at the moment it feels odd. I am unused to feeling like this. Adjustment is required.
I think I am experiencing a form of self care. It’s not something I do very often, not properly. I’m not talking all that take a bath in expensive bath oil and light candles bollocks. I’m talking about proper, solid self care.