Tallulah has been on a roll this week.
She always comes home brim full of stories about her day. Often these stories are strange and troubling and highly dubious. Some of them are mistakes like Monday’s brilliance:
‘Today we studied a discreet Norwegian village.’
It turns out that she actually meant ‘isolated’.
If we question her tales, she gets incensed that we doubt her veracity, even though she has a well deserved reputation as the biggest fibber our family has ever bred.
Today’s corker at breakfast.
Tallulah: ‘Mama. The school is going to buy a hawk.’
Me: ‘I beg your pardon?’
Tallulah: ‘I said that the school is going to buy a hawk.’
Me: ‘What on earth for?’
Tallulah: ‘To upset the seagulls.’
My head was spinning by this point. I’d only had one coffee and was just shaking off the remnants of a dream that involved me being chased down a corridor on a ship by a man wearing a peaked cap and holding a balloon whisk. I didn’t need any more surreal in my life. I was full of it.
Me: ‘What seagulls?’
Tallulah: ‘The seagulls on the playing field.’
Me: ‘Why? I just want to ask why?’
Tallulah: (wearily, as if explaining something blindingly obvious): ‘Because the hawk, which the head teacher is going to keep in a cage, will shout at the seagulls to make them go away.’
I put my head in my hands. I think that surely this is not part of the new National Curriculum? Are my taxes funding hawks for schools? Is this a thing now? Why do I feel so old and out of the loop?
Tilly interjects at this point.
Tilly: ‘The seagulls go on the field because of all the litter.’
This makes slightly more sense, but doesn’t explain why spending funds on a school hawk is the answer.
Tallulah: ‘Yes. Exactly. So we need the hawk to get rid of the seagulls.’
Tilly: ‘Why don’t they just implement a school rule that means everyone has to pick up their own litter instead?’
This also makes sense. My head stops spinning slightly.
Tallulah: ‘Because everyone thinks the dinner ladies should do it.’
Me: ‘Well, that still doesn’t explain why we got to the whole ‘a hawk is the perfect answer to this dilemma,’ situation, even though everyone should pick up their own litter anyway.’
Tallulah: ‘I don’t know, do I? I just know that that’s what the school council report said. I’m just TELLING you.’
Me: ‘I worry about the school council.’
Tallulah: ‘I worry about the head teacher. I think she just wants a hawk.’