Let me update you as to my debut with Mumsnet Blogfest 2015.
It’s on Saturday.
Holy guacamole Batman. That’s like very, very soon. In some days rather than weeks. If I were Jason and the children I would now be calculating how many hours until I fall off the stage in a shower of nerves and sweat.
I have decided against this.
Instead I have decided to count my blessings:
Firstly: I now have a dress I am happy with. No more nakedness and balancing aromatic candles in my hair for me. This may disappoint some of you, particularly those of you who wish to see me go up like a Roman Candle live on stage. For me, and the rest of humanity, it is a blessing devoutly to be wished.
Secondly: Jason is driving me, so that I do not have to navigate London traffic and sweat myself into a grease blob before I even arrive. Also this means I do not have to rely on weekend trains. Plus I can drink wine.
I shall drink wine after the event, otherwise there will be guaranteed vomiting. I specialise in it. It is on my CV.
Thirdly: There will be goody bags. I get very excited about goody bags. I do not know why. I think it’s a reflex reaction left over from my youth, even though when I was young you got a piece of cake wrapped in a napkin and a balloon. Usually the balloon popped on a thistle within seconds of you inflating it, and by the time you got to the cake the dye from the napkin had bled all over it until it resembled road kill.
When I was at university all freshers got goody bags. Mine had Clearasil sachets, a Sasco wall planner and a chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle in it. The boys got condoms in theirs instead of Clearasil. We were all very annoyed about this. It was, we decided, sexist. I suspect that had we had condoms in our bags, we would have probably ended up inflating them over our heads and pretending to be astronauts, or bank robbers. It never occurred to us that we might want to have sex. Not with those spotty oiks.
I also got a goody bag when I had each of the children. It contained vouchers for photos I didn’t want taken, and pots of Sudacrem.
Really, I don’t know why I’m so excited about this goody bag. As I reminisce I realise all my previous goody bags have been absolute toss. Still, it’s not going to have to try very hard to improve on past form.
Fourthly: I am hoping for cheese and pineapple and/or sausages on sticks. I do not want vol au vents at all. I hope the cheese and pineapple might be in the shape of a hedgehog.
No. I don’t get out much.
Yes. Clearly the pinnacle of my social climbing happened circa 1978.
What of it?