It is the last week of the holidays. I cannot quite get my head around this. Everything has gone by so quickly and I feel that I need more time. I need to gather myself. I realise that if I had more time, I would not use it to gather myself. I would use it to arse around with my friends, eating biscuits and laughing at things on Twitter. Nevertheless this stone cold fact does not stop me pining for more time in the manner of a sick invalid wailing for ‘sooooup’ in a dramatic manner.
Talking of sick invalids, I have had to reinstate the Chaise Longue of Doom (TM) and despite my absolute horror of it, trotted back feebly to the Doctor today. It is at this point that I am giving you fair warning that too much information, as my friend Jess says, will almost certainly be shared, so you know, do feel free to bugger off and come back a different day if medical based forlorn whinging is not your thing.
Regular readers will know that my periods are the evil super villain of my life. Not only that, but because they are infinitely more cunning than 99% of all super villains, they do not sit serenely in their underground lair waiting for me to zap them with my highly efficient Flash Gordon laser cannon of wonder. No. They change their shape, pattern, rules, venues, evil twirling moustaches roughly every couple of months. They are evil, super villain gits is what they are.
Regular readers will also know that it is my strong belief that my migraines are also related to my periods. They are like the evil super villain henchmen in thrall to their twisted hormonal master. It will come as no surprise to everyone that when I noticed that my migraines were getting worse a few months back, that they corresponded to my menstrual cycle, no matter how early or late that cycle was. I could pretty much guarantee that I would start my period with a migraine, finish one with a migraine, and sometimes, because I am so biologically excellent, just have one gigantic migraine to go along with all the other shit periods throw at me.
If I were alive under a different regime I would be a subject of experimental medicine by now, or most likely burned as a witch. I have a lot to be grateful for, even though my gratitude seems to mostly take the form of me wanting to claw my own face/womb off with a toffee hammer.
My last two periods have been utterly, utterly evil. I had been to see the Dr. before the start of the holiday and explained the whole evil period thing without recourse to any far fetched metaphors so he didn’t offer me valium as well as everything else. I begged him for some particular triptans, which I had been prescribed a few years earlier when I had gone through another gruelling bout of migraine clusters. He said he could not give them to me as they were too expensive. He would instead give me something else. I said that the something else had also been given to me prior to the expensive drugs and it had made me very ill. AS IF WASN’T ILL ENOUGH ALREADY.
I played my tiny violin for him. It was to no avail.
He said no matter. Try them again. They might be fine. I did not believe this for one cotton picking minute. I tried to reason with him. Computer said no. It was at this point he took my blood pressure and pointed out it was quite high. I wanted to say: ‘NO SHIT SHERLOCK.’ I did not say this. I scowled and did a bit of mumbling, and took my medication and pissed off home.
I have tried this medication over the summer. As I predicted it has made me very unwell, so on top of erratic arse grindingly painful periods of a colourful hue, I have also had migraine and then the excruciatingly painful side effects of the meds, which make me hurl even after anti emetics and give me chest pains and palpitations.
Today I went back and stated my case more firmly. He had been rather unwilling to concede that the migraines were related to my period last time. This time I mentioned that I had a migraine on and off for an entire week. The entire week of my last period. Even though I was four days early, the migraine turned up, wagging its evil henchman tail on the very day of my period, and finished on the very day it finished. I also pointed out that in the middle of that week, his meds had made me so ill I had collapsed on the bathroom floor and my daughter had had to look after me for three hours because Jason wasn’t there to help.
That clinched it I think. It was a shame that I had to be so dramatic, even though it is my natural milieu. It’s still embarrassing, in a very British way.
I have been experiencing PMT since last Friday. I have been nauseous on and off constantly since then. I am not sleeping well. I have lower back pain, hip pain and cramping, and I am not due on until Saturday. I had to go to bed at half five today because I was too nauseous and ill to do anything else. Luckily the Dr. has now given me the expensive medication and enough anti emetics to form my own small pharmaceutical company, so despite the pain and mood swings and what promises to be an absolute beast of a period it looks like I might be able to keep my migraines under control.
I’m trying to count my blessings. Right now I’m just a bit mardy about them.