There is a story running on the Twitter feed of the local paper of the town my parents live in, and I used to live in – (hence the reason I follow it on Twitter. Not because I love local journalism and stories about thieves stealing hanging baskets or what the local WI is up to this month.) which is baffling me. It’s causing me such consternation I need to tell you about it.
The news item in question popped up on my feed yesterday and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and then I found myself talking about it to people this evening, and then we all went and had a look at it, and everyone agreed it was well worth talking about and yes it was weird, and no it wasn’t just me. Which was a relief.
The item is about how a Leicestershire lady got a modelling gig in London to promote a butcher’s vegan hot dogs, by standing outside his shop, wearing a lot of fake tan and a bikini made of lettuce.
I am not even making this up. Look.
Firstly, why is a butcher’s shop selling vegan hot dogs? Surely the point of a butcher’s shop is to sell things you butcher. You know, things like pigs and cows rather than butternut squash and kale.
I know a few vegans, and I can’t imagine any of them trekking all the way to a butcher’s shop to buy vegan sausages – unless the rest of his stock is also vegan, in which case I think we can safely say that it is actually a greengrocer’s in disguise.
Secondly, I do not understand why vegans would suddenly be attracted to a butcher’s shop more than normal because it had started sporting two busty brunettes bursting out of their bikinis on the pavement. I think the butcher may have got his demographic mixed up here a little, unless he thinks that most vegans are beer swilling, tit obsessed erotomaniacs who see heaving bosoms and as well as getting massive hard ons, also want to eat lettuce. Also, sausages. And no, I don’t think the sausages are supposed to be euphemism unless he’s also saying that vegan hot dogs are the new viagra.
Is he saying that? God. It’s so confusing.
Also, why a bikini made of lettuce to advertise a sausage? Surely it should be a vegan sausage suit, or a bikini made of vegan sausages, or even a snorkel to accompany the bikini with the spouty bit made of vegan sausages. Are the vegan sausages actually made of lettuce? In which case, bleurgh.
I like the fact that the model is quoted as saying that being a vegan is good for your figure. Perhaps that’s why she’s wearing a bikini, to show what veganism can do for you, and it’s not at all about the erotic frisson of the vegetable world, but is instead about how you too can be stick thin with boobs like bouncy hoppers if only you take up a life of Quorn and Quinoa and other food stuffs beginning with Qu, which is, as we know, all that true vegans are allowed to eat.
It still doesn’t explain the lettuce, which definitely doesn’t begin with Qu.
I showed the article to the rest of the Boo family. It made me laugh that the highest levels of indignation were reserved for the fact that the bikini wasn’t even properly made of lettuce:
Jason: She’s not even trying. Poor show.
Tilly: Huh! I think that’s not even real lettuce. Who wears a bikini made of fake lettuce?
Tallulah: That bikini would look better if she ditched the lettuce and made it out of sausages.
Oscar: What is the point of lettuce?
So there you have it. Whatever it is.
I am still confused, I wanted to write this and feel that I had come to some natural and rational conclusion that would finally allow me to stop thinking about this topic, but it hasn’t worked and I have probably been put off eating vegan sausages for life now.