Turn Again Bonkerton

As well as the big election looming on the horizon, we are also in the throes of local by elections and the election of the mayor of Leicester. The letter box is positively groaning under the weight of voting material being shoved through our doors, and canvassers ringing the bell, and the Labour party filling my in box with spam e-mail.

It is enough to make you bone tired just thinking about it, frankly, and if you weren’t put off politics before now, you would be after you’ve waded through the tons of claims and counter claims of all the political parties.

My favourite so far has to be the booklet we were sent to elect the new mayor of Leicester.  The parties run the gamut from the standard Labour and Conservative to a man who you can tell is running for the green party even before you read his material. One look at his gently bearded face and ethnic scarf that he got on holiday while partaking in some eco tourism is enough to confirm all your long held suspicions about the utter hippyishness of the green party (not that I have anything against hippies, or indeed greens).

We have a UKIPer, who also looks like a UKIPer, a bullet headed psychopath with a strangely domed forehead and a fanatical glint in his eye. He has, in his two pages of material provided several photographs of himself in various action poses, including some of his time spent serving in Afghanistan.  Despite claiming he is against vanity projects with regard to his politics, his written material consists of two, overlong paragraphs about himself and how marvellous he is, and one spurious claim that if elected he will bring down the banks and put the profits in the pockets of the tax payers.

Given that he is only running for mayor, this seems a bit over ambitious by anybody’s standards.

My favourite candidate is the man standing for the Protest Vote. He is not affiliated to any party at all, as he despises politics, and his best claim to fame is being sacked as a whistle blower after sixteen years at the coal face of a crumbling NHS.  He suggests that he set up a e-voting system so that the people of Leicester can have their say over every single issue going. This is the most sane of his ideas.  My favourites are:

His campaign to make Leicester the new capital of the UK.  I am imagining the Queen and Philip adapting to life here. It is quite strange.  We will have to get rid of all the fundamentalist Christians round the bottom of the clock tower, so the horse guards will have somewhere to parade. I’m a bit hazy on the rest of the details, but it will probably be fine.  I bet he has it all covered.

He also wants to install underground tube lines through the city, which given the trouble they’re currently having with contra flow systems and bike lanes could render the whole city impenetrable within six months.

Not content with that he wants to rename East Midlands Airport, Richard the Third Airport – Leicester.  I’m not sure how that’s going to go down with the people of Derbyshire, given that that is the county in which it is currently situated.  But hey, who’s going to argue with us when we’re the capital of the UK, right?

4 responses to “Turn Again Bonkerton

  1. I can’t stop laughing, this is the best I have read about the blasted election! I think you should ask your Protest Vote chap to stand for Westminster, after all he can move it to Leicester in due course. Thanks for the laugh Katie, I love your writing.

  2. We could have an outpost here in Milton Keynes, IKEA is HUGE.

  3. That’s a fantastic idea.

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