Here’s a little problem for you:
If Ed has two kitchens but David has only one kitchen, and Sarah’s husband Michael has two kitchens but they’re in two separate houses and he can’t quite remember which one of the houses he lives in, please answer the following:
a) How many thousands of pounds of tax payers’ money will be spent buying MP’s of all parties Nigella Lawson branded cookware?
b) How will this affect your voting choices in the upcoming election?
c) If Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls held a gun to your head in the kitchen department at Ikea, would you buy one of their kitchens or choose instant death because your loyalty remains firmly with John Lewis?
d) What are the Green party’s views on laminate in relation to sustainability and will this affect their taxation policy on home improvements?
e) Write a paragraph in which you imagine the state of Nigel Farage’s kitchen. Please indicate if you think his household staff will be of foreign extraction.
f) How do you feel about kale, and will this affect your voting choice in the upcoming election?
N.B. Please write on both sides of the paper.
It matters enormously to the electorate apparently, how many kitchens an MP has and how much money they spend on fixtures and fittings. The Daily Mail, that shining beacon of fair reporting and champion of the people, has posted stills from a recent piece of footage showing David Cameron being interviewed in his kitchen. These stills have been annotated with a key to show exactly how much everything in the kitchen cost, and where it comes from, in case you’re thinking of re-modelling your kitchen with Osborne and Little this season in the style of Tory Tosspot.
It is, of course a dig at Ed Miliband, who was recently interviewed in his kitchen, which was reported, much like the baby Jesus’ stable (if Ikea were doing stables that year), as being mean and lowly and a kitchen of the humble man. All very well until it transpired that this was Miliband’s second kitchen, the kitchen for his nanny. Details of his first kitchen are hazy, but is reputed to be swathed in Swarovski crystals with a hot pink colour scheme. Think Katie Price meets Made in Chelsea.
His nanny is not allowed in there.
All this has been cheerfully chewed over in the press, and this week caused yet another kitchen based spat between journalists Sarah Vine and Jay Rayner. Vine, who writes for the Mail wrote a damning article about Ed’s choice of kitchen, all the while reporting that her own kitchen was so antiquated that it was infested by rodents and lit by the sole light of an Ikea angle poise lamp. Cue the teeny, weeny violins.
Rayner, who writes for the Observer, took Vine to task about her article and reminded her that she really was in no position to cast the first stone.
It transpires that Vine is the wife of Tory MP and ex Secretary for Education, Michael Gove, who was discovered to have spent £66,000 of tax payer’s money during the MPs’ expenses scandal having his kitchens remodelled. I say kitchens because Gove and Vine are lucky enough to have two residences and claimed for both of them.
That’s a lot of Ikea angle poise lamps. It must look like Hong Kong at night in that house.
In an extended Twitter spat between the two journalists, Vine said that she could indeed claim the moral high ground because Michael had made a mistake in claiming for both of his residences (both of which he said were his second home. Poor bloke. Can’t count, or figure out where he lives. Glad he’s no longer education secretary), and had paid the money back.
As Rayner so succinctly put it, only because he got caught out.
Strangely Vine then had to leave the conversation to do the school run.
Which is what I’m about to do.