Health and Safety Gorn Mad and all that.

We took delivery of our new freezer today.

I cannot wait to fill it full of food until we are utterly prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

There are very few things in life that are guaranteed to cheer me up more than bulging cupboards/fridges/freezers full of food. I really do have a ‘thing’ about it. I fear being underprepared in the food department.

I worry about people coming round and me only being able to serve them grapefruit segments on Ryvita or some such Hestonesque concoction.

The horror.

Anyway. My freezer is currently plugged in and getting cold and preparing itself to accept the bounteous cornucopia I will shortly bestow on it (for this read, forty seven packets of Birds Eye Potato Waffles. They’re waffly versatile).

In the meantime, Jason has been sorting out the warranty and some other paperwork that came with it. He has been letting me feel a part of things by reading out the instruction manual that comes with the freezer.

He is kind like that.

Me, I don’t bother with instruction manuals, even with complicated things like computers, or phones or digital cameras. Things I might conceivably actually need an instruction manual for. I see them as my last, best hope Obi Wan Kenobi. The sort of thing I might turn to if say, videos on Youtube have let me down.

It baffles my tiny mind that someone might actually write an instruction manual for a freezer, let alone read one. It baffles me further that the instruction manual for our new freezer is actually 23 pages long.

What could you possibly have to say about a freezer that would take 23 pages and diagrams to explain?

Jason has enlightened me.

Apparently you are not supposed to put boiling hot food in a freezer. Nor are you supposed to light fires in it.

Ray Mears. I am looking at you here.

Nor are you supposed to do anything other than attempt to freeze food in it.

Stuff like ballroom dancing, crochet, martial arts, whittling sticks into the faces of famous celebrities. That sort of thing.

You are not supposed to put animals or babies into freezers (unless they are cooked and thoroughly cooled I presume. See Jonathan Swift’s ‘A Modest Proposal’ for details).

You are not supposed to use the freezer to play in. So no cunning games of hide and seek. OK?

You are not allowed to scrub down your freezer with bleach, sulphuric acid or uranium.

You are not allowed to operate the freezer under any circumstances if you are ‘not normal’. I kid you not. There is a section that warns against use by minors or the mentally impaired. Imagine if you let a drunken toddler run amok with your freezer. It hardly bears thinking about.

I think you’d have to be pretty mentally impaired to read through 23 pages of a manual on how to use your freezer before using it, so I’m not letting Jason use it without supervision from this point onwards.

5 responses to “Health and Safety Gorn Mad and all that.

  1. Check very carefully, there will be a small line at the back saying ‘may contain nuts’. I know this because EVERYTHING has this.

  2. really, no fires, blow me down, it’s amazing what those manuals tell you 🙂

  3. I know Ruth. Bonkers!

  4. I knew that health and safety had really lost the thread when I purchased a new pair of wellingtons a couple of years ago and they came with an instruction manual.
    I wonder how I survived all these years without one, it sends a shiver up your spine.and it was printed in seven different languages so we can now all sleep safely , wow that was a close shave.
    With a safety razor naturaly.

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