It is day 9003 in the plague house.
Good news. The dentist was able to diagnose Oscar. Apparently he has the beginning of the herpes simplex virus. This is what a person gets before they get cold sores. I have never heard of it, but it does seem to be quite common on further investigation. It is also quite narsty, hence how ill he has been. The dentist gave me a prescription for some medicated mouth wash and I have to take him back today for a further inspection.
Not only is it narsty, it is also highly contagious. I have been ringing the plague bell far and wide, which is only going to increase our popularity and desirability as house guests throughout the land. The dentist suggested he had probably picked it up from one of the girls, but given that neither of them are a) at all ill, or b) suffer from cold sores which would be an indicator that they are pestilent, this is highly unlikely. It is more likely he picked it up from school, which is nice.
And now I am staring at the girls in rapt fascination waiting for the next one to go down like a ninepin, which should make the summer holidays a joy forever.
The prescription for the wonder mouth wash was a private one, because our dentist is private. It turned out that when I was finally able to find a pharmacy who could get the mouth wash, which took several tries, and were it not for my brilliant friend Claire, who has done all this before and knew that it would be an utter git to procure, and it is much better to ring pharmacies first rather than embark on a mouth wash based odyssey, I would still be driving around trying to get it now. It also turned out that when I finally got it, it cost me £48.21 for one small bottle of medicine.
The woman behind the counter said: ‘You should have registered with an NHS dentist’, which is possibly the single most unhelpful thing a person can say in these circumstances given that even were I to scrumple up the private prescription, and go home to find an NHS dentist that would take us, Oscar could quite likely be dead by then (of old age). And I don’t want to leave my dentist because he’s a very good dentist, particularly given that in the three and a half weeks Oscar has been ill, he was the first and only person to know what was going on.
I gave her a Paddington Bear hard stare and she was much more helpful after that.
It does make you appreciate that £7 per item or whatever it is now on an NHS prescription is not such a bad deal after all.
His mouth seemed a lot better yesterday after a few goes with the mouth wash, and he was generally perkier, although not eating much yet. He and I spent most of yesterday sleeping, him because he is recuperating, me because I managed to give myself a spectacular hangover at the pub on Tuesday night after unwisely imbibing three glasses of wine.
Yes three. (utter, utter lightweight)
I know. I am like Oliver Reed. Drinking to excess on a school night.
I was so ill, despite coming home, drinking two pints of water, eating toast and necking some paracetamol just in case, as I was already feeling a bit whoa. I got up at five, feeling rough, drank more water, imbibed more toast, had more pills, and then promptly threw up twice in a row.
Getting Tallulah to school was a massive effort of will, and I felt thoroughly martyred by the time I got home.
And we came fifth in the pub quiz, which is no good at all.
I should have known it would not go well. I threw an entire pint of soda water over my new dress in the first ten minutes of being in the pub, and washed the answer sheet away as well as having to sit in a puddle of damp fizz for the rest of the evening.
It was a sign that was probably an omen.
There is a moral in that story somewhere I am sure.
What did I learn this week?
Listening to Absolute Eighties whilst cooking is excellent preparation for the music round.
Chow dogs have blue tongues.
The river Nile is about 3,157 miles long.
Oil of Vitriol is another name for sulphuric acid.
The haze around the sun, and the moon, is called the corona.
Three glasses of wine is at least one glass too many on a school night.
In other news, I have been listening to Radio Four a lot this week. Things I have learned from this include:
To grow one tomato from seed, nurture it, harvest it, and get it to the supermarket takes 13 litres of water.
Scientists are going to fiddle with mosquito DNA to breed out malaria carrying mosquitos. NOTHING will go wrong with this. NOTHING.