At tea time yesterday:
Tallulah: Jacinta’s mum is having another baby.
Oscar (chattily in the manner of old lady on bus): Ooh, who’s the dad?
Tallulah: There isn’t one. She had to eat a sperm pill.
Everyone at the table collapses into hysterics. Granny and I too hysterical to explain. This leaves Tilly trying to explain whilst getting increasingly more flustered and flapping her arms like a bewildered pigeon. Cue more hysterics from granny and I, now unfit for anything and struggling to breathe.
We calm down a little.
Oscar then tells us everything he knows about sperm:
‘The sperms, well, there are just loads of them and they’re all in a huge race to get to the egg. They swim and swim (so far so impressive), and the first one to get to the egg wins the race. It disappears inside the egg. Then a big laser beam shoots out of the egg and blinds all the other sperm and they’re all blind and weak and they just crawl about and then they die.’
We look at him in wonderment. How could it all go so terribly wrong? He started off so promisingly.
‘And after that the sperm and the egg that won the race get carried up to your bum in a giant lift…
…and that’s how babies get ready to be born.’