To continue my canoe metaphor, because I can, my boat nearly sank today, which was utter, utter rubbish. Then I learned to bail it out. So that was good.
My life is changing at an incredible rate at the moment. So much has happened in the last three or four weeks that I am, quite literally in a flat spin most of the time. Jason and I both knew that big changes would come were he to go out to Germany, and we felt that it was something we had to try. I thought it was because it was something he was passionate about and that it would be good for his career. He tells me that he thinks that although this might be true, it’s also because I am due another massive learning curve in my life. He thinks that I am reaching another stage of learning about what it is to be me, rather than wife, mother, daughter etc. I think he might be right, given all the events of the last few weeks and all the changes that are still looming. There is a sense that I am about to endure some major transformation of self. It may not be visible to everyone from the outside in, but boy is it making its presence felt from the inside out.
I use the word endure, advisedly.
The thing is, that I know that change is necessary. Transformation is a process that proves we are still alive, and that we are living properly. Things that stagnate are things that die. I am not ready to die. The trouble is that I am very, very bad at transformation, even when I know that it is a) inevitable and b) that it will be a positive thing. The last time I had a major transformative experience was learning to drive, which changed me in so many ways I can’t list them, least of all from the outside. This time in my life, it really feels like that is happening again. A shame then, that I really fucking hated learning to drive, and even though I knew I was going to do it, and even though I did do it, I resisted it like a bastard mule, and marched about for eighteen months like Violet Elizabeth on steroids.
One can only hope I will have learned from that time to be less resistant to change, and more willing to go forward.
That would be the graceful, adult, sensible thing to do.
I fear, however, that like the adult Tallulah that I am, none of the above will happen, and that I will be fierce and angry and devastatingly sad, and feel powerless until I get so annoyed I decide not to be powerless. That is what happened to me today in microcosm over something that was not at all important but that became important by chance, and which has shown me that I am indeed in the process of changing and like Dr. Who becoming Malcolm Tucker, we are probably in for a choppy and profane ride.
I do not want to talk about what actually happened. Firstly it is of no real interest to anyone except me. Secondly I have talked it to death elsewhere, in order to sort it out in my head and heart. Thirdly it is not actually important what it is. What is important is what it means to me, and what I have chosen to do with it and make of it.
And yes, Jason and I are fine. And no, I haven’t put one of the children up for adoption. Not even Derek.
I am learning. I think. To be less afraid of standing my ground and less willing to pacify or turn a blind eye to people who think that because I am generally quite a positive soul (except on here) I will take any old shit that is thrown at me, because when people have a bad experience they need someone to throw their darkness at, and I can be quite good at catching it. I am learning that just because I like and sympathise with people generally and because I can see and empathise with their pain, it doesn’t mean I have to carry it for them when they get tired of it, unless they are my children.
I can see the good and bad in people, but that doesn’t mean that I have to accept the bad, particularly when that bad stuff affects me.
I think I am learning to be a tough old bird this time around.
I wonder if Jason wants to fatten me up for Christmas? Is this his master plan? We shall see.