Did I tell you today how much I hate you?

The cat greeted me this morning by escorting me to her litter tray where she had deposited a noxious turd, which clearly even she couldn’t stand.

It was eye waveringly awful.

The good thing is that her IBS seems to have cleared up.

The bad thing is that I am not good at mornings, and smells you can cut with a knife and fork do not feature heavily on my top five things to do while it’s still dark and you are resenting the fact that you are not in bed.

After donning my hazmat suit and disposing of the toxic waste I still had the usual wet laundry to put out, dry laundry to sort out, dishwasher to empty, breakfast to make etc…

All of which was accomplished with low level muttering that would have put a town square drunkard to shame.

Then, just as I was thinking I might be able to relax slightly, the coffee pot exploded over everything and I spent the next five minutes clearing coffee grounds unsuccessfully out of the grouting and shouting:


This sort of stuff happens quite regularly – and because I am not a morning person, I tackle it with the same bad grace and smouldering sense of resentment every time.  I am nothing if not predictable.

When the milk ran out and I had to drink my second cup of coffee black, I knew that the world was against me, and rending my hair and wailing commenced.

I know that I am not alone in having the domestic yoke thrust upon me at an ungodly hour every morning. I know that I am not alone in my ascent of the EU laundry mountain and trial by coffee pot.  Nothing I have described here is unusual. Many of you, I am sure, will be nodding your head in agreement at some point during this diatribe, or at least weary resignation.

Because of this, sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t moan.

Other people don’t.  Other people are cheerfully domestic.

Aren’t they?

But then I think. For FUCK’S SAKE PEOPLE! Do I really have to spend fifty odd years of my life waking up to the same irritating routines day after day? If I only get one, brief life to live, and then wink out like a birthday candle, why am I spending so much of the time I have staring at cat shit through a bleary haze of exhaustion?

Why shouldn’t I be enraged?



It’s bloody infuriating.  No wonder people have revolutions.

Or servants.

I don’t mind which, really.


13 responses to “Did I tell you today how much I hate you?

  1. Bless you hope day improves xx

  2. I got through copious amounts of incense sticks during the last year of Sylvester Bean’s life – I much preferred them to Febreeze or air ‘fresheners’, plus it makes the house smell more Bohemian (and covers poopstink most effectively). My absolute favourite one was Nag Champa which just smelled lovely. Actually, thinking about it, I bought them in bulk not so long before he died and now have little use for them so, if you like, I can send box to you (I think there’s 12 sticks in a box).

    Also, train Tilly to make everyone’s breakfast and all the kids to unload and load the dishwasher. Why, yes, of course I know this to be easy, what with not having kids or anything….

  3. ‘Other people are cheerfully domestic.’
    YES! YES! How the bloody hell do people FUNCTION in the mornings? I have to make Harry’s packed lunch the night before, load everything ready to go… and then pray J gives him his breakfast – because Ann Doesn’t Bloody Do Mornings – as he’ll go to school hungry if it was left to me to arrange. Until 9.30am and coffee, I am no benefit to society whatsoever.

  4. Please take some comfort from the fact that your are not alone! Sometimes i feel like giving up showering just because i can’t bear the whole rigmarole of it all.

  5. I feel like that about cereal. Too much effort!

  6. Sorry-but I’m one of those cheerful in the mornings people. On the go clearing & picking up from the minute I wake up. BUT nothing, & I mean nothing, gets done in the evenings. After evening meal-that’s it. Not even clearing away properly. So it’s a good job that I’m a ‘morning person’ !

  7. Katy, you have totally made my day!! i thought it only happened to me! I have 3 cats (brave i know!) so i dont know who the culprit was, unless of course I decide to take a DNA sample. Yesterday morning, very early, I innocently walked downstairs in my bare feet, well you do dont you in your own home? I felt something warm and squelchy between my toes, and guess what ?? Warm cat excrement, funny how the smell increases when you disturb it. So then I was hopping along the hall like a demented banshee, trying to make it to the kitchen sink, thinking I wished i took yoga so that my body would be more supple for times just as these!!
    Lucky for our cats we love em eh?

  8. You see I’m crap at either end of the day. We’ll known in my family that in the mornings you have to carefully poke me awake with a long stick as I’m so grumpy. And after 6 pm my arse isn’t moving from that sofa for anyone.

    I swear I have low boredom threshold so find repetitive housework soul scorchingly terrible. I have no helpful or cheery tips. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done though so spend a lot of time muttering to myself whilst hoovering or emptying the bloody dishwasher for the nth time.

    Showering is dull isn’t it? Left to myself I’d sleep in til around 9.30 am and then stagger out unwashed and in yesterday’s clothes. Maybe be a bit smelly though…

  9. Showering is dull indeed.

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