In my mind today was going to be a day of rest.
A proper Sunday.
Sadly, life grinds inexorably on whether we like it or not, and things needed to be done. These were mostly things that got shunted down the to do pile last week by the increasingly omnivorous demands of the Christmas Fair.
So, instead of a rest day we have had a list day, a day of doing last minute crucial things, a cleaning day because even the children had started to complain that things were getting a bit icky – and Jason voluntarily picked up the hoover.
We have had a day of getting ourselves slightly straighter in preparation for what is to come in the next week or two.
I have developed a twitchy eye. I think this is part PTSD post Christmas Fair twitching and part future Christmas crap to come twitching.
My headache is still pounding. It accompanies me everywhere with a dull, plodding, relentlessness. A bit like being followed by my own drum and bass duo.
Sadly I do not like drum and base.
My feelings of self loathing have toned down a notch, which is nice, but they are still niggling away in the background. Regarding the whole body image thing I finally weighed myself, something I allow myself to do about twice a year. I am a few pounds heavier than my comfort zone weight, which probably explains the inner niggling.
I examined what I have eaten in the last week or two. It consisted mainly of carbohydrates, sugar, fat and caffeine – energy food to keep me going when all else failed. I note that I have also been allowing myself at least two breakfasts on most days.
I suspect that I might feel better were I to think about cutting down my gargantuan bread intake, stop eating crisps again (I do not like crisps. I only eat them when desperate. I realise I have eaten a lot of crisps recently), and stop drinking Coca Cola and just go to bed and sleep more. I shall do this, and start eating real food and adding vegetables and drinking more water, and I suspect that I shall start feeling better in all kinds of ways, and those few pounds will disappear.
This is my plan.
I feel ok about it. I do not feel I am depriving myself of anything. I generally only eat this kind of thing in this kind of way when life starts spiralling out of control. I am not going on a diet. I am not going to stop eating nice things. I am just going to stop eating stuff because either a) it is there and it would look tidier if it wasn’t or b) I am stressed or c) I think I need to power on through something.
That sounds quite healthy doesn’t it?