Today, when we went to the furniture warehouse to pick all our lovely goodies, we met a kitten.
He/she was a very self possessed young feline. Small, and black with a ridiculously bushy tail and a very smart white bib under his/her chin.
I shall say he for the purposes of the rest of the story.
He followed us up hill and down dale, shinning up sofas and peeping out of cupboards. He purred like a motorboat engine at full throttle and generally had a delicious time stealing fuss and cuddles from anyone within stroking distance.
He had the air and manners of Tom Kitten about him. His furry trousers were bursting with self importance and he had a distinct penchant for derring do.
At one point, as I was answering my phone and had to stop petting him, he climbed up my top and perched on my shoulder at a rakish angle.
The lady who was in charge of the warehouse told us that he was the last of a litter that belonged to next door, and they didn’t want him, and he was driving her mad breaking into her warehouse and sharpening his claws on her furniture.
She said we could have him if we wanted, as she knew the next door neighbours and she was happy to broker the deal on their behalf.
By this time, the beast was curled up in my lap with its head on my hand, purring like a cat possessed.
Our hearts were full of catty love.
But even he was thinking about it, because this was possibly the naughtiest cat in existence, and there is something very, very appealing about the naughtiest anything in existence, particularly if they are furry and devilishly handsome.
Oscar decided that the kitten was a girl. I asked him what he would call her if we had her, thinking he would come up with a suitably dreary and predictable name like Sooty or Sweep or Blackie etc.
He thought for a moment and said: ‘I’d call her Stinky Joan.’
I was delighted. I asked him why. He said: ‘Because she looks like a Joan, and she stinks.’
Fair comment, well made.
We told Jason. He said: ‘That was my mother’s middle name.’
Oscar said, totally innocently: ‘What? Stinky?’
Anyway. Stinky Joan did not come home with us. We fear it would not be fair on Derek.
I am hoping that I can find some way to make Derek fall in love with Stinky Joan so that I can go back and sweep her/him up.
Pray for a miracle.