The Naming of Cats

Today, when we went to the furniture warehouse to pick all our lovely goodies, we met a kitten.

He/she was a very self possessed young feline. Small, and black with a ridiculously bushy tail and a very smart white bib under his/her chin.

I shall say he for the purposes of the rest of the story.

He followed us up hill and down dale, shinning up sofas and peeping out of cupboards.  He purred like a motorboat engine at full throttle and generally had a delicious time stealing fuss and cuddles from anyone within stroking distance.

He had the air and manners of Tom Kitten about him. His furry trousers were bursting with self importance and he had a distinct penchant for derring do.

At one point, as I was answering my phone and had to stop petting him, he climbed up my top and perched on my shoulder at a rakish angle.

The lady who was in charge of the warehouse told us that he was the last of a litter that belonged to next door, and they didn’t want him, and he was driving her mad breaking into her warehouse and sharpening his claws on her furniture.

She said we could have him if we wanted, as she knew the next door neighbours and she was happy to broker the deal on their behalf.

By this time, the beast was curled up in my lap with its head on my hand, purring like a cat possessed.

Our hearts were full of catty love.

Except Jason’s.

But even he was thinking about it, because this was possibly the naughtiest cat in existence, and there is something very, very appealing about the naughtiest anything in existence, particularly if they are furry and devilishly handsome.

Oscar decided that the kitten was a girl. I asked him what he would call her if we had her, thinking he would come up with a suitably dreary and predictable name like Sooty or Sweep or Blackie etc.

He thought for a moment and said: ‘I’d call her Stinky Joan.’

I was delighted.  I asked him why. He said: ‘Because she looks like a Joan, and she stinks.’

Fair comment, well made.

We told Jason. He said: ‘That was my mother’s middle name.’

Oscar said, totally innocently: ‘What? Stinky?’

We collapsed.

Anyway. Stinky Joan did not come home with us. We fear it would not be fair on Derek.

I am hoping that I can find some way to make Derek fall in love with Stinky Joan so that I can go back and sweep her/him up.

Pray for a miracle.

9 responses to “The Naming of Cats

  1. How can you NOT have two cats named Derek and Stinky Joan especially as – and as I fully expect you’ll find – that Joan is a boy. So you’ll have a girl cat with a boy’s name and a boy cat with a girl’s name. Tell Jason they’ll keep each other company. Derek will either be nonplussed for a few days with bonus hissing and then slowly come round until she tolerates him/her or they’ll fall in love at first sight and play and play and play.

    You know Stinky Joan has already chosen you as his/her new family…..

  2. ‘Stinky Joan’ is such an excellent name, it’s a crime not to have a cat that belongs to it. Mrs. Jones is correct.

  3. They’ll love each other, get her, get her!

  4. I agree with Joan! About a year after we got my Tonkinese, my Mum arrived with 4 rescue kittens at Christmas and a rabbit; needless to say she only left with 3 (kittens that is, and the rabbit, I’m not insane). She is a very mouthy Tortie more than twice the size now of the Tonkinese and he adores her. That does not stop him from hating every other animal he has met, ever. Derek will adopt that kitten and they will become best buddies. Of course when he is being very naughty are will have to sit on him until he chills.

    I am apologising in advance as there is certain to be egregious typos in this comment; I am on an iPhone on a plane that is about to take off. I just wanted to catch up I the Boo family adventures. Good luck unpacking; my things arrived in San Fran at the end of October and there are still boxes everywhere!

  5. get it get it get it. Seredipity strikes.

  6. I meant serendipity. obvs.

  7. Please see this cat has a lovely home either with you or somebody very responsible. If something isn’t done quickly, kittens like this can easily fall into the wrong hands.I have just rescued a fourteen week old kitten who came in from the terrible weather, terrified and desperate – totally malnourished and with a raw neck wound. It has cost hundreds of pounds in emergency veterinary support to bring her through – she is responding beautifully. We think she was an unwanted Christmas present that was slung out.
    Your little kitten deserves an understanding and safe home – and a much nicer name!!!!!!! Please keep people posted with the outcome. Don’t forget to have him neutered at six months.

  8. As a follow up to my comments just now – I have just read some of your moving details – you are obviously going through a hectic & difficult time. Would you like me to find this kitten a suitable home – we have rescued & rehomed thousands of cats from London in the last forty years. I am really worried about this one if he is just handed out. E-mail me if you read this – I can find him a good home in Sussex if you want.

    • Don’t worry. We checked. He is living with the next door neighbours at the warehouse and was well fed and in good condition. They were waiting to find him a home. We were not unduly worried or I would definitely have done something. Thank you for your concern.

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