We haven’t had nits in our house for a while.
Not since the great summer nit infestation of 2012 when I spent weeks of my life combing, combing, endlessly combing in that purgatorial, rocking type way.
So it was a good job we had nits today, otherwise I would have felt bereft, and possibly lonely.
It was a particularly good job we had nits today as I was due to go for possibly my last haircut ever done by professional hands and there is nothing more boosting to a woman’s self confidence than having to check her own head for nits eighty seven times before rocking up at the hairdresser’s, and still not feeling sure that I might not have missed one.
It wasn’t me that had them, by the way.
But it does not stop me itching like a fiend and feeling paranoid that I might have them.
Oscar had them.
He was very waily waily about it this morning at half past seven.
I was a bit waily waily myself.
I combed his hair, drowned him in tea tree oil and drove him to my dear mother’s house, where I parked him on a stool amidst a sea of newspaper and made him sing The Twelve Days of Christmas to me (homework practice) while I shaved his head with Uncle Robber’s clippers.
It was quite surreal.
But he does not have nits any more.
I am still itching though.
Despite the fact that I have had a haircut and colour and been intensively prinked, preened and blow dried, so if there were any creeping about on my bonce they would now be deep wine red with very stiff eyebrows.
I have not checked the girls heads. I have had a stressful day. I have got a sore throat and I didn’t get home until nearly seven o’clock. At this point I still had to help Tilly with her holocaust project (to lighten the mood), bake the carrot cake I was supposed to bake yesterday but didn’t, and finish the tiffin that I was supposed to do yesterday but didn’t.
My friend Rachel and I have decided that nits get a bad press. She thinks they should mutate to become more fluffy and have a doe eyed approach to things. She may have a point.
Our discussions have led to our fabulous money spinning scheme, which is to create a computer game like Bin Weevils, where children can create their own pet nit. The nits will live in clumps of hair in Ewok style villages on a giant, virtual head, and be able to perform all kinds of pointless tasks and have things like nit wallpaper and nit discos.
Basically it is a gigantic rip off of the Bin Weevils idea, but with nits.
We think it will make us millions.
Which we will need to spend on electronic devices which permanently scratch our heads at every board meeting, as even thinking about the little buggers makes me want to scratch like a demented hound.