Bibi Lynch

There was an article this morning in The Guardian by the journalist Bibi Lynch, which you can read if you you click on this link.

I read it this morning and it has been swishing around in my brain ever since.   There is a kind and beautifully thoughtful response to it here.

I have since posted it on Facebook and got a variety of responses from women friends, some of whom have children, some of whom do not.  The ones who do not are women who I esteem greatly (and the ones who do!).  They are women who have tried, and so far been unable to have children.  We have talked about their situations in the past and I have nothing but sympathy for them and the greatest respect for what they have been through.  They are brave women who have gone through great sadness and difficulties, and some of whom continue to suffer in their attempts to conceive.

I wrestled over whether to post the article on Face Book and as to whether to blog on here, as I do not wish to be seen to diminish or to be disrespectful of what they have gone through.  I write the rest of this post as a response to what I see in Bibi Lynch’s article, not as an attack as to the rights of women who do not have children to complain about their lot, or to express their feelings about what they have suffered.

Hunker down. This is a long one.

The gist of the article by Lynch, if you don’t want to read the original, is that Lynch is saying that mothers who moan about the trials and tribulations of motherhood should get over themselves and shut up.

She elaborates that the reason for her fairly unsympathetic stance is the fact that she herself is not in a position to have a child.  She has never found the right partner, she is too old for IVF, and biologically time is running out for her.

She also seems to be surrounded by people intent on rubbing her nose in it, and feeding her a pack of lies about what it means to be a mother.

For which I am sorry, and can only conclude that she needs to pick her friends more wisely.

She is now bereft, as she claims that the love between a mother and child is the only true expression of love that counts and that a woman who does not have a child is somehow an empty husk who has never fulfilled her true purpose on this earth.

She is obviously very hurt and very angry and very sad at the position she finds herself in.  I do sympathise with her pain. Truly, I do.

I paraphrase, and maybe I am doing her a disservice, but I think not.

I really struggled with this article for these reasons:

It is not that she could not have a child, biologically.  She chose, for various reasons, not to have a child or to try for a child until she was in her forties.  She could have had a child through any one of a number of routes in the past, or at least tried to conceive, and she chose not to.  She chose this, nobody else did.  I understand that she now regrets this decision, but this is not a valid reason for wanting everyone else to shut up.

We all make choices we regret.  Some have devastating consequences. We do the best we can at the time. Sometimes the result is painful, and it is fine to get angry and upset about it.  It is not fine to put the responsibility for your pain on other people’s shoulders.  It seems from the article that Lynch seems to think she might feel better if those of us with kids would just shut up about it.  This is nonsense.

She may still be able to have a child, one way or another.  Adoption is a possibility. She could choose a surrogate parenting route.  She could foster a child. She could go to another country and look at their laws regarding IVF etc.  She has no ties. She clearly has a decent income and an education.  There is nothing to stop her looking at these options except her own beliefs about what it is to be a parent.

I am not saying these are easy choices or options. I am not even saying they are desirable. What I am saying is that parenting is not as cut and dried as she makes out.  I am saying that she still has choices and that maybe things do not need to be quite so terrible as she makes out.  I am also saying that there are a lot of children out there who need someone to love them, and if she wants to experience fulfilment through her love and care of a child, that door is not yet shut to her unless she wants it to be.

She claims that she is not unsympathetic to mothers, but that all the problems of parenting are finite and surmountable, so we, as parents should shut up whining about them.  I find this a completely reductive and frankly stupid statement.  Having a child with cancer for example is not necessarily one you can solve overnight.  Having a child who is disruptive and angry, a child who hates you, an autistic child, a child who won’t eat, sleep, stop crying.  These are not small, insignificant problems.  These are not things you just shrug off and smile about.  These are things which can be harrowing, soul destroying, ruin your marriage.  These are things that can eat up every waking moment of your life and shatter your sleep and your sanity, and at worst, make you hate your own child, which is an awful thing to have to feel.

Children are not objects that are born to make you feel better about yourself.  They are not a box of chocolates or a relaxing bath. They are human beings, you and me, only small, and totally dependant.  They are not finite and surmountable. They are 24/7, but sometimes it feels longer.

In a nutshell, what she is saying is that we should all feel sorry for her, and people in the same position as her, but that she doesn’t have to feel sympathy for anyone who is in a position she wishes she were in but can’t be. I find this attitude extremely selfish. I understand that she feels under attack, but lashing out so irrationally in the national press seems like a futile way of trying to even the score.

This might sound like sour grapes. After all, I am one of those mums she hates.  I am one  of those women who are lucky enough to have their life completed by the joy of having children. I have fulfilled my biological destiny, according to Bibi.

I am also one of those women who whinges about the difficulties of being a parent.  Which apparently is very bad form.

Here is the thing.

I do have genuine sympathy for Bibi’s predicament.  I lost children before Tilly, and Tilly was my last chance at getting pregnant.  I was so devastated by my miscarriages, and my ectopic pregnancy I had reached the point of giving it one last try and then stopping.  I was raw with grief, and totally ripped up by the desire to have a child.  I wept when I saw children playing with their mothers in parks, women cradling babies in their arms.  I am not unsympathetic.

If you want children and you cannot have them, it is miserable, and painful and unbearably sad.  I have utter and total sympathy for women who want to have children, and for whatever reason cannot.  Including Bibi Lynch.

But, even when I was in the throes of being quite mental with grief, I never blamed other people who had what I couldn’t have, for being able to do what I couldn’t.  It isn’t anybody’s fault. Would that it were. That would make everything so much easier.

I sympathise with her anger. Her article reads like the feelings of someone who is struggling in a morass of grief, and it seems like she really needed to get this off her chest.  But it is not anybody’s fault.  If every mother in the land shut up about the trials of living with little Johnny it wouldn’t make her feel any better.  I suspect, in the emotional state she is in, this would perhaps just make her angry in a different way.

I think Bibi Lynch just needs to be bloody angry. She needs to do what children do, which is lie on the floor and scream and bang her fists and drum her heels and  shout: ‘It’s not fair.’ And you know what? I agree with her.

Life isn’t fair. Mostly life is a bit of a bitch, and people are constantly being forced to deal with horrible, miserable situations that are not of their making and which they have to suffer through.  Some of those people are parents.  Some of them are not.  It’s nobody’s fault. It just is.  But it’s no good blaming other people for what is inside you, and for something that you have to learn to live with or let go of as best you can, because sometimes you can rail against fate all you like, but it isn’t going to change anything, and if you cannot make your peace it will just keep on tearing you apart forever.

And I would really like to say to Bibi Lynch that her view of parenting is both simplistic and incredibly naive.  Having a baby and then raising that baby into a hopefully, healthy adult, is nothing like you think it is going to be when you first embark on that journey.

NOTHING.

No book can prepare you. No advice. No course.  It is not like anything you will ever imagine.

Yes. It does have elements of what she talks about in her article. It can be joyous and amazing, and there can be an incredible bond of love between you and your child.

But it is not a given, by any means.  Recently I have had the great misfortune to meet children who frankly would have been better off without their biological parents, and who wouldn’t understand Bibi Lynch’s picture of the bond between a mother and a child if you drew them a diagram, it is so far away from what their lives are like.

That love, that link, it does not always just appear like magic.  Sometimes, and for lots of different reasons, it simply isn’t there, and creating a bond with a child who is, to all intents and purposes a helpless parasite can be really hard going, and sometimes it simply does not go at all, to the great detriment and heartbreak of all involved.

And if you think that suddenly having a child is going to fill that aching void inside of you and make everything alright, and mean that you finally feel whole and complete I am afraid you are on a total hiding to nothing, and anyone who tells you any different is lying to you, and to themselves.

When you have a child it doesn’t know it’s supposed to be there to be a balm and a succour to your incomplete soul.  It has no idea of any of the wonderful plans and ideas you have for your and its future together. Mostly it just wants to survive, by any means possible, and putting a weight of expectation on its newborn head for both you and the child is a seriously problematic way to start a relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Having a baby, in my experience, pushes you to the total and utter limits of what you can cope with, physically, emotionally and mentally.  It makes you look at who you are and what you are doing. It makes you totally reassess your entire life up to now.  It forces you to make choices you never even dreamed you would have to make.  It is rather like walking into a fire and coming out the other side with all the chaff burned away.

If you’re lucky.

And how the hell can you know if you’re going to be any good at it, or love it, or take to it, if you’ve never done it before? The people who chose to have children are taking as much of a punt with destiny as the people who chose not to.  It is not a this is better than this.  It is that this is different than this.

The people I feel sorry for, heart achingly sad for, are those people who have tried, and tried, and tried to have children, who have sacrificed so much, who have given their all and gotten nothing in return.  These are the people who deserve our sympathy.  I find it harder to sympathise with people like Bibi.

I know she says that she wanted to have a baby with the right man, and she waited for this reason, not because she was a hard nosed career woman leaving everything to the last minute, but I cannot help thinking that if you genuinely think that one day you might actually want a child, you do not leave this particular decision making process until after you are forty.  Even with all the advances in modern medicine you are pushing it.  In your early thirties medical notes call expectant women ‘old’.

And if you do make that choice, and things go badly wrong, and they look like they have for Bibi Lynch, then you cannot take that out on people who got on and lived their lives differently just because other people didn’t do it like you, and now you wish you were them.

Bibi Lynch sneers at other mothers and their failure to ‘woman up’ to the job of parenting, but if this petulance in print is how she copes when she cannot have what she wants, I wonder how she would behave if she did get the baby in the end?

And as a rather lovely friend of mine said on Face Book in response to the debate:

It breaks my heart to know that you sometimes feel that way, though I don’t even know you. Here is where I say that some of the most amazing people in history, people that really made a difference in this world, never had children. These people enlightened us with their words, their music, their politics, their love, their compassion, their knowledge. Let me know if you need a list. ♥

You do not need a child to complete you.  You do not need a child to make you happy with who you are. You do not need a child to feel like you have a right to be on the earth.

You might like to have a child.  It is alright to feel this way.  It is natural to feel this way, but you have to accept the fact that you do not ‘need’ one, and if you, by some sad circumstance end up in a position where you do not have a child, you need to know that you are absolutely fine, just the way you are.

I do not, by the way, disagree with Bibi Lynch’s right to write this article.  I feel sad that she feels that she has to write this article, and I feel very, very sad that she has to attack what she so desperately wants to somehow make herself feel less hurt, and cross and sad and lost.

29 responses to “Bibi Lynch

  1. What a fab well thought out post. Here was my personal response http://t.co/K2HP1sHa

    • Thank you for posting the link. I read your article and really empathised with a lot of what you went through. Much of your experience has been mine too, and I am sending you lots of love.x

  2. Perfectly put. There is little to add to your well thought out and expressed post. I too struggled to have my children and number eight post 6-week miscarriages to my two live births over a span of 8 years with major surgery thrown in for good measure. I love both of my boys fiercely but even now as adults they can still drive me demented. Parenthood is what it is and that isn’t likely to be what you thought it would be when first you planned to have a child. The child is its own self first and foremost. Not a toy, not a malleable puppet to be shaped as you will it, nor a fondly-to-be-realised dream of all the things you wanted to be and/or do but were not or did not. I feel that if childlessness is to be your lot in life (for whatever reason) then you owe it to yourself to try not to carp bitterly (easy though that may be) but find another outlet for the love and nurturing in your heart and mind, however hard that first step may be. There are many many lost and forsaken children out there in the wider world who need you. There are also many struggling parents (again for whatever reason) who might appreciate your help rather than your resentment. Life is seldom fair, it is up to each of us to make the best of whatever it hands out, not waste it in regrets and bitterness.

    As for Bibi, it seems to me that she made her choices at various times in her life. I’m sorry she now regrets them but expecting other people to pander to her misery and bitterness ain’t gonna happen.

    • Exactly Sharon. It feels like she is turning her back on things which could really help her come to terms with her loss.

  3. Very eloquent.

  4. Katy this is a really well written post. A post that touches many of us in many different ways, given that we all have a life in which choices were or were not made and events and fate happened wether we liked it or not. To experience the yearning to have a child, the all encompassing gnawing away of yourself is something I do not wish on anyone. It is what it is. I have not read the article and I won’t now read it. Focussing on sadness and grief and ‘petulance in print’ will change nothing. I can hear the anger and frustration screaming out of her words. Sadness abounds. All over the world children need to be adopted/fostered/cared for/loved. If she can find it in herself to go down that route then there might be peace.

  5. So brilliantly put. I’ve been trying to formulate my own response to the article and have had so many things whizzing round in my head. Xx

  6. My reaction when I started reading Bibi Lynch’s article (after your, and Marie Phillips’ beautifully thought-out responses) was “Oh, FFS!” and my second was “Probably brought up with a load of wrong-headed stuff about being female”. As someone who still misses some of her aunts I saw red when I got to the comment about aunts – talk about judgmental! And then I got to her sentence “And then my dad died” and I realised that she was writing all this in a state of bereavement – double bereavement, in fact, because she also needs to mourn this child or children she’s never had.

    People have to get over bereavement as best they can, and it takes some of them down some rather strange paths. I hope to heaven she can get herself past this roadblock in her life and see things more positively. There is no compassion (or logic) in asking those of you with children to shut up when she is asking for compassion for herself (do as you would be done by, y’know) and it would be an excellent reason for doing something to help the children who are already in this world, as you suggest.

    Finally, some of the closest and most rewarding ties in this life are with people who are not actually blood relatives!

    • Noreen
      Yes, I am sure that things are exacerbated by the loss of her father, and that this double whammy has brought her to her knees. I am sympathetic, but it is difficult that she doesn’t feel that she can be.

  7. Absolutely! You really have covered just about every point, such a shame this won’t be published as a response in The Guardian.

  8. I had to write about it, too: http://bit.ly/HbYOwk x

  9. Pingback: Get Over It: Responding to Bibi Lynch | More Than Toast

  10. It’s very hard to feel compassion for people who have exactly what you long for if they never show any compassion to you. I agree poor Bibi Lynch is wrong-headed about the trials and tribulations of child-rearing and very naive about what, exactly, motherhood entails, also she seems to be unaware that a child is a PERSON from day one.

    But, and this is a HUGE but, in my very own experience, many (not all, I didn’t say all, THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON YOU PERSONALLY WHOEVER YOU ARE, I DON’T KNOW YOU) women I know who have not had any problems conceiving and carrying babies to term have been utterly, totally, thoroughly lacking in compassion for childless infertile people. I don’t think most of them meant to be unsympathetic, and certainly didn’t mean to be unkind, but responses, from valued and beloved friends even, have varied from total silence, not even a card or an email or a text, when I had a miscarriage, even when I was in hospital for days (can you IMAGINE the sort of friend who wouldn’t send you a nice message or card or phonecall or SOMETHING if you’d been ill enough to be hospitalised with ANYTHING ELSE?), through awkward uncomfortable ‘let’s not talk about that. It’s a bit personal’ (why not? Why the fuck not? You’ve been telling me about your bleeding nipples for HOURS), through to the unthinkingly ugly and cruel ‘perhaps God doesn’t mean you to have children. There must have been something wrong with it. Knowing you, you wouldn’t be able to cope with kids anyway! What did you do to cause the miscarriage? You shouldn’t try to have kids, you’re clearly genetically not meant to. It’s unnatural and selfish of you to use medical assistance in conceiving. You’re clearly a career woman to whom having kids isn’t important ENOUGH. You don’t know about [xyz] until you’ve had a child. You haven’t loved until you’ve had a child. You know nothing about self-sacrifice until you’ve had a child. Only a mother would understand.’

    You question Bibi Lynch for her naive view of motherhood as a be-all and end-all, and her naive view of children themselves, but, please understand, some parents really, really REALLY do say all this shit to us, over and over again, and if we’re not lucky enough to either a) have much experience of kids anyway, or b) have intelligent, empathetic friends, we don’t get the counterbalance, the kind common sense, the other point of view. Most of what we hear and see in the media is VILE to childless women (we’re all career-obsessed, selfish, bitter, baby-stealing harpies, you know, who were too vile to bag a man in time. Of course, if we do try to ‘go it alone’ and have a child without a man, we’re UNNATURAL career-obsessed selfish bitter baby-stealing harpies. *sigh*). Most of what we hear and see about motherhood IS presented in a rosy glow of self-sacrifice and adorableness (I am aware this is also extremely stressful and unfair on mothers themselves).

    Asking Bibi Lynch to show empathy, compassion for parents, and a rational balanced understanding of these issues under the circumstances is unfair simply because they almost certainly AREN’T showing compassion and empathy to her. I can count the number of friends-with-children I have who are compassionate and empathic to my plight on my fingers – I am lucky, I need both hands. I have not enough digits not even if I borrow my husband’s to count the number of friends and family I know who have not shown me even so much as ONE WORD of kindness and empathy when I was sad about my diagnosis, or in considerable physical pain, or had just had surgery again, or had lost another baby. And yet who expected me to shower them with support and attention and sympathy (and yes, they did deserve support and attention and sympathy, they really really did, and I gave it willingly. The thing is, SO DO I deserve it).

    You get what you give. If Bibi Lynch’s friends and relations had been more understanding and kind to her when she first began to realise the motherhood ship had sailed without her, do you think she’d be so angry and bitter about it now? As well as questioning her bitterness and one-sided view of it all, why are you not questioning the sort of friends and family who’d push her into that horrible lonely corner in the first place?

    (PS – about aunts. I’m not getting to Aunt the way I want to Aunt because my sisters are very undermining of my efforts and make it hard for me to spend any time with my nieces (My nephews are already in their 20s). So, I’d love to aunt but I have no control over the auntage process, which makes it just another source of frustration and yearning).

    • May
      But here’s the thing. I have been following your blog for such a long time now, and I have all the compassion, respect and time in the world for what you say, and I know there are times when you are fiercely (and rightly) angry about how you have been treated. I see exactly what you are saying. But what I love about you is that even when you are at your most angry you have the grace and compassion to see the other side. Even when you are railing against the hand that you have been dealt you do it with an awareness (I think) that what you are writing is a pressure valve.

      You behave better than those stupid people who are so hurtful, even when they really deserve a good kicking for what they have put you through and I’d be in the line to administer it alongside you. You could say all those things that Bibi Lynch says, and more, and have even more reason to say them (in my opinion), but you don’t make those sweeping generalisations, you don’t punish random strangers who you know are doing their best, just like you are, just because you are hurting yourself.

      I love what you write. It is true and honest, and it is raw and it makes me cry and I hate what is happening to you, and you are so eloquent in a way she isn’t.

      Maybe you should have written that article.

      and I do agree that people can be unbearably hurtful and ignorant and misguided and that Bibi really needs new friends (like it’s that easy).

  11. I grovellingly apologise for the three-decker novel above. And I reiterate, I do agree with you on a lot of points. I just don’t think nice, caring considerate persons like yourself realise how LITTLE empathy is usually offered to the childless, simply because it wouldn’t occur to you to be that thoughtless.

    • May

      Do not apologise, and I am utterly, utterly sorry that you have been treated in this way, and if I ever meet one of those people in your presence I will hold them down while you tie their shoe laces together and we push them off a bridge.

  12. I read this, as usual excellent, post with great interest. I now find that I am an ’empty husk who has never fulfilled her true purpose on this earth’. Never thought about myself that way. What I have done, in a sort of cowardly way, is never mentioned to anyone that I’m not bothered that I don’t have children. I allow people to look at me with sympathy when I tell them I don’t have children and wouldn’t dream of saying ‘actually I don’t have a maternal bone in my body and if my biological clock ever ticked, I didn’t hear it’.

    I don’t say anything because I know from experience the reaction of both mothers and the desperately childless. I have been married for 34 years and although most women wouldn’t believe me, we are a very happy family of two.

    Just thought I’d give you a third viewpoint.

  13. KitKatCot
    I do know several people who have chosen to be childless and who are absolutely delighted with their lives, and am glad that you are one of them.

    I had made the choice that should I not fall pregnant again (this was when I conceived Tilly), that I would not try for IVF. My husband and I had narrowed it down to either looking at adoption or accepting that children were not for us, and getting on with the rest of our lives as best we could. I think that had that day come, of course I would have been sad, because I wanted to have children, but I would not have let it stand in the way of me having the absolute best life I could.

    I applaud anyone who knows themselves well enough to know what they want and go for it. It is a brave choice, especially with so much public censure around women who do not want children. Good for you.

  14. Thank you for this blog, which I found while following up some of the debate about the Bibi Lynch Guardian article. I’m not sure why I was doing that in the first place, except that I have seldom read an opinion piece that left me so angry and distressed. That is perhaps because I’m the same age as Lynch, and, like her, I do not have children. Unlike her, that is a choice I’ve come to terms with: It wasn’t necessarily an easy decision, but it gradually became inevitable as I’ve watched my mother, mother-in-law, and sister all struggling with the challenges of raising and providing for a child with severe disabilities. They love those children desperately, but that only makes things more difficult as they face the stark realities of caring for an adult child who will never be able to take care of her or himself. I’m afraid that I would not be strong enough to do what they have done, as much as I love my niece, brother-in-law, and sister. So I simply wasn’t prepared to roll the genetic dice. I think what angered me most about the article is the implication that, compared to Lynch, these three very strong women, who have struggled and made sacrifices that I can barely imagine as they devoted their lives to caring for people whom they and I love, don’t have problems worth complaining about. More selfishly, I’m also angered by the implications that, on the one hand, I’m less of a woman than they are, since I haven’t done what I was “born” to do, and, on the other, that I should think that I have a harder lot than they do, since at least they’re mums. Both implications are as offensive as they’re untrue. Reading your balanced, thoughtful response has helped me to calm down. Of course Lynch has the right to her pain and to express her unhappiness, but I think, as your blog suggests, that she demands a type of empathy that her article, at least, seems unwilling to extend to others.

  15. Janeb
    Thank you for sharing your response. It was beautifully written. Thank you.x

  16. Beautifully put.

    Why does it have to be one way or the other? We all have challenges and hardships. Life is hard enough; we don’t need to compare and play misery poker.

  17. Rosie
    That is a fantastic and well made point. I love the term misery poker.

  18. Sorry Katyboo but you saying the most amazing people in life didn’t have children just screams so very loudly that you do not understand or have any empathy for what Bibi Lynch is talking about.

    Why is it mothers can “whinge” about how hard it is to raise children and receive sympathy and yet when a woman who has not been able to fulfil this dream “whinges” people reply with meaningless examples of people who don’t have children who made a difference in the world. Bibi is not talking about making a difference. She is expressing raw pain. She doesn’t want want you to tell her that she had choices – maybe the choice to have a child while she was single was not an option and there is an age limit on adoption and IVF for over 45 year old using there own eggs is nil and donor egg options are very limited and very expensive, let alone to travelling overseas for this procedure.

    Yes Rosie we all have challenges. Life is not perfect and Bibi knows this all to well. And Janeb, choosing to be childless is extremely different to wanting to have children and yet not being able to find the right partner or the opportunity.

    My husband read Bibi’s article and acknowledged Bibi’s pain – his only words “That is one brave woman. This article needs to be read by every woman.”

    Girls, where is your empathy? Here is a woman crying out in pain for a loss that will never leave her. For a heartache that will never heal. Please do not show how little empathy you have. Rosie – misery poke – you disgust me with this comment – I hope no-one will ever use this term in response to pain that you may feel.

    Bibi I feel your pain. Children will not complete you as some so ignorantly suggest but they do bring so much joy,happiness,tears and love to your life. I am so sad you will not experience this. My heartaches for you. Whinge as much as mothers do – I will always listen as I will to them.

    • Catherine

      I think your comments are rather angry, and rather failing to see my point at all.

      If you read what I have written you will see that I do understand and I do empathise, and I have in fact expressed my sympathy for Bibi Lynch quite clearly.

      Her article, however, is unbalanced, and unfair, and yes she is expressing her personal pain, which is perfectly legitimate. But if you choose to express your personal pain in such a way, in such a public forum then you must expect people to disagree with you. And I do disagree with her on a lot of issues, all of which I have raised and qualified, and which you ignore in your comment.

      I am not saying that she doesn’t have the right to express pain. I am saying that she makes some utterly senseless, very hurtful, sweeping generalisations about women with children and expects them to go unchallenged.

      I am saying that everyone is allowed to whinge, whether they have children or not.

      I am saying that it is painful, and I empathise, but she cannot expect anyone else who basically isn’t her to just shut up.

      And for whatever reasons she chose to remain childless until now, she still chose that path. She chose it, of her own free will. I’m sure her reasoning was very pertinent at the time, but that is not the point is it? She made a choice. She wishes she hadn’t made that choice, and now it might be too late. Getting angry with all those people who made different choices is not fair.

  19. This article was just published in our Australian news for a mother’s day edition. Here was my response:
    Bibi Lynch’s article did what it set out to do. It is yet another article that chastises women, that berates them and belittles them. It attacks women’s choices, their lifestyles and their sources of love – all under the guise of talking through her pain. She never set out to “mum bash”? I agree, she went after us with a sledge hammer! While I have many issues with this very angry article, my biggest is her discussing children as though they were something to win. How can children ever be described as “a prize”? This statement only works for those who live in a world where everything is a competition. Those who believe that life is indeed a race to be won are living in a prison of their own construction.

    Love takes many forms. The love of children is ONE of them. No Ms Lynch you are right- you will never love as I love, then again I will never love as you do,or my neighbours or my friends. Love is not quantifiable. Motherhood is a priveledge, not a status to attain. All women, be they mothers or not ,can “make sense of their existence” without attacking other women. I hope Ms Lynch finds peace, fullfillment …and therapy

    • Thank you for your comment Jo. I agree with your point about feeling that Bibi Lynch sees motherhood and children being about status and some kind of deserved prize, at least in this article.

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