Vajazzalation, It’s what you need. Or is it?

Let us talk of things other than houses, house prices and weather.  We are all becoming so very British, and it is not attractive at all.  Let us talk instead about the word vajazzle.

Oh yes.  This word entered my lexicon for the first time this weekend.  I read a twitter feed where someone was talking about it, and I wanted to know more.

I have looked on the Urban Dictionary site, and it tells me that it is the act of adorning one’s vagina with swarovski crystals to give it more allure.  If you don’t believe me you can  see it here (the definition, not the vajazzle in action.  It is NOT that kind of site thank you).

It is then, a verb: I vajazzle, you vajazzle, he/she/it vajazzles etc.  Apparently if the procedure has been carried out upon your person you have been vajazzled. 

Maybe if you want an excuse not to go out on a date, and washing your hair seems too lame, you can say: ‘I’m sorry Friedrich, I cannot go to the sausage smorgasbord with you this evening. I will be far too busy vajazzling.’

Who knew?

I thought having jewels stuck to your teeth with Bostik was a bit extreme (and mostly made the person in question look like they had a stubborn bit of spinach trapped in their dentures. Definitely not alluring), but clearly I am so square as to be practically cuboid when it comes to self adhesive body jewellery.

I am somewhat fascinated by this procedure (and repelled in equal parts).  I want to know everything.  For example, I suppose it is only suitable for those ladies who have had a Brazilian, or something near to it.  If one has a full head of lady garden hair I imagine glueing sequins to it is going to be tricky, bordering on impossible. If one wishes to have jewellery style adornments of this nature without waxing, I suspect threading beads through your pubes is the only way to go.  A kind of bejewelled rasta look, only downstairs.

So, first you wax, or epilate or shave.  Whatever.  I say this dismissively as if it were a mere bagatelle. For those lady readers (or men. Who am I to judge?) who attend to such matters I am aware that it is not that easy, and mostly involves crouching in ungainly positions which only Sting and Madonna should know about in the privacy of their own homes, whilst flinging hot wax around or worse, rotivating.  If one is doing it alone it is devilish tricky and requires bendiness and a steady hand. If one is having it done it requires bendiness and a lack of shame that would make a vicar blush.

Once that hurdle is passed we turn to the jewels and the glue which must then be applied.

I have three children.  We do a lot of craft.  I have an intimate working knowledge of types of glue I previously never even knew existed. I am also hot on glitter, sequins, feathers and beads.  Just sticking them to a piece of sugar paper neatly is a living nightmare of epic proportions.  Generally after half an hour of glueing and sticking I emerge smothered in glitter from head to foot with large dollops of scummy, grey, peeling glue adhering to my skin like bedraggled mummy bandages.  I cannot imagine the hell that would ensue were I to be wielding a glue gun near my vagina armed with a packet of swarovski crystals.

How could one sensibly go to Accident and Emergency with one’s labia glued together and covered in baby pink crystals?

The shame.

You would have to be mad to do this on your own. Which means taking your newly depilated vagina to a vajazzling shop near you and asking for professional help.

Now, I don’t know about where you live, but in this neck of the woods, most beauty treatments are carried out by permatanned sixteen year olds who failed GCSE woodwork and decided the only way forward was a career in panel beating or as a beautician.  They only have a vocabulary of about four hundred words and try to use less.  The most frequent sentence which spills from their lips is: ‘Are you goin’ anywhere nice on yer ‘olidays this year?’  They have a GNVQ level two in filing nails and looking gormless.

It is they then, who should be let loose near your naked and now trembling vagina with their glue gun at the ready.

This is a terrifying thought.

And what do you say to them?  What happens when they ask you what style you were thinking of?

Is it like a tattoo parlour where they show you a book containing ‘here’s some I inked earlier’? Will there be photographs of balding lady gardens adorned with the face of the Virgin Mary or a foxes brush disappearing into the pudenda?

How do you choose? What happens if they are artistically leprous and you ask for Elvis looking come hither, and get Mrs. Overall, or worse, someone who looks like your dad?

Is that erotic? I think not.

Plus, is it erotic full stop? I do not know much about men, and what I do know is baffling and largely contradictory, but I think it unlikely that many men care if your vagina is embossed with sequins. I think the fact that you are letting them get within spitting distance of it in the first place should be enough to make them grateful and horny, without having to be blinded by the sight of a dolphin leaping through crystal waters when you pull your undercrackers down.  Isn’t it more likely to put them off stride completely? I know it would me if it were the other way around.  If Jason pulled down his boxers to reveal the blinging face of Jeremy Clarkson for example, I would probably expire on the spot.

And how long do they last? Even with a Brazilian, you get regrowth. I do not think a sparkling butterfly created out of cut glass sequins is going to look quite so hot with three week old stubble poking through its wings.

Maybe you deal with this by having the whole vaginal area done, and having the gaps in between lightly grouted, in a kind of vajazzle style crazy paving. It would have to be fairly adhesive wouldn’t it? That’s going to be heavy, and you don’t want to cough and have it drop off onto someone’s shoe at work for example.

It would also be fairly dazzling. If you are going to get up close and frisky with someone after such extensive vajazzling you may want to issue a health and safety warning, or possibly dark glasses. It’s no good blinding someone when you finally do reveal the lady garden of desire, or making them think you have inadvertently caused the second coming,  with the face of Jesus and a lot of excess shininess.

On a more practical note, do the crystals drop off in the bath and get stuck in your u-bend? Do they drop off anywhere else? What if you are in Topshop changing room, pulling your tights down in order to try that body con dress without vpl, only to find that the Sistine chapel in crystals has fallen down round your ankles, and has to be hoovered up by a fifteen year old shop assistant with the giggles?  What if you are involved in the very act of lurve with a man who is in fact turned on by a blinging vaj, only to have him attend to matters down there orally and come up looking like Jaws from James Bond?  That would never do.  What if he gets them stuck on his truncheon of love, or worse, inside you?  Again with the whole A&E shame thing.

On balance I have decided against it.  The most erotic Jason and I get in this freezing cold house is to go to bed without our socks on.  I cannot imagine having to strip down to show him the Charge of the Light Brigade.  Blue goose bumps would add nothing to the final effect.  Plus I would only sulk when he fell about laughing, and have to divorce him when I a) bung up the already knackered bathroom pipes and b) tell him how much it costs.

28 responses to “Vajazzalation, It’s what you need. Or is it?

  1. And cue the pervy spam comments (because you mentioned the words ‘erotic’, ‘vagina’, ‘horny’ and especially ‘truncheon of love’ in the same post) in 3….2…..1…..

  2. Speechless……..Better educated, but speechless.

  3. I’m stunned — that you weren’t already up to speed on this, Katy! So welcome to the 21st century of bling waxing! Like you I can’t help asking: Why? Unless of course one is working as a go-go girl or the like. But then I don’t really to understand depilation either.

  4. Katy! I… um, Katy! I’ll get back to you.

  5. The only thing funnier than this superb bit of writing is that your google ads are for “glue guns and glue sticks”. Craft-time ahoy!!!

  6. I have officially laughed my head off. Am typing blind. Help help.

  7. Love, love LOVE this post. Fell about giggling like a loon……

  8. I have a post natal check at the hospital next week.
    Should I do this, do you think?

    A bit of bling would detract from the stretch marks and saggy bits.

    Not sure about a glue gun. Would pritt stick work? Am not keen on pain.

  9. (However, I do have 2 tattoos, but in less, erm, intimate regions)

  10. A fantastic post Katy. You should be on the telly.

  11. Oh dear! Thank you for that – I’m wiping the tears away as I type. You raise some interesting questions though. I mean, stubble and sparkles? Hmm, not so sure. And the idea of certain trips to A&E – well…. Actually, on that note, working in a hospital with someone who’d done a long stint in A&E, I can confirm to you that reality IS stranger than fiction. And that’s all I’ll say on the subject 😀

  12. PS Gah! Meant to sign in as http://www.wagwaan.typepad.com. Sorreeeee.

  13. Oh my LORD! By the time I got to the bit about a cough making the entire vajazzaling fall down on your shoe I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. You can imagine the state I was in by the end of it. I think this was actually better than sex. Which is a darned good thing because if I have to depilate and vajazzle I ain’t never gittin’ lucky agin!

  14. And now I have howled with laughter, BB and Meccano Man want to know if I am ok and I’m not at all sure I should let them read this as it could be bad for BB’s heart and MM’s expectations. Actually it may put MM off altogether and I really would like to have at least one grandchild at some point.

    Personally speaking, the somewhat free-form, possibly bordering on haphazard, embroidery* following my episiotomies is quite as much decoration as my lady garden is ever going to get – brazilianed or otherwise!

    *First one was stitched by a Dr who had been on call for 26 hours and delivered 4 babies overnight – it was not a pretty job! The second by a midwife returning to the fold after a 10 year absence. My timing is always impeccable! Should I ever be mad enough to bevajazzled I would no doubt get the 15 year old work experience girl who had lost one of her contact lenses that morning!

  15. Hi…new to your writings here…..happened to see a snatch of something about girls in Essex on the TV last night…..who were having their lady bits done……..I know I’m old but has the world gone mad??????? Imagine a body con dress from the front if the crystals were viewable…..eeeugghh.
    Very funny post!

  16. FANTASTIC !!!
    You simply ROCK !!!
    How do u do it ???? Luurrrvvveee it….. 😀
    Got to pass this link to friends 😉

  17. Hee hee @AmJustMe tweeted me your post. It made me chuckle, for Ladies & Gentlemen, I have vajazzled! I did it as part of my project to re-seduce my husband, and I confess that otherwise I wouldn’t have touched it with a bargepole. However, it wasn’t anything like as bad as I thought.
    Anyway, to answer your questions:
    1. You have the whole lot waxed off. Shaving + glue = hideous infection, I suspect. This is as painful as it sounds, but I confess that I liked the effect so much I have now repeated the experience.
    2. It is impossible to find someone to vajazzle you outside of LA. I live in rural Kent. I therefore had to do it myself with a mirror and a pair of tweezers. Thankfully, the vajazzles are self-adhesive.
    3. You have to make sure you position them quite far up to avoid, um, slippage. They only stay on for one day anyway – they soon fall off when challenged. It’s best to count how many you stick on there so that you can make sure that none have got lost. Which is an alarming thought.
    Anyway, I blogged about it here if you’d like a read: http://52seductions.wordpress.com/2010/06/07/seduction-22-razzle-jazzle-em/
    Don’t worry, there are no pictures!

  18. Libby told me about your post as she spotted similar topiary discussion going on over at my gaff.
    I love this – fantastic writing!

  19. Oh dear Oh dear – 0ne of your commenters (Libby) mentioned watching a “snatch” about girls in Essex. I don’t know about Great Britain, but here in North America, even in this far eastern and isolated part of it, a “snatch” refers to a particularly lively “lady garden” itself!!! Was snickering through my eat at the computer screen supper!!

  20. Mrs Jones
    I thought of that, but there is no room in my spam filter. It’s full of adverts for mental memory school or some such blithering piffle.

    Charles
    I can only say how sorry I am.

    Keith
    You don’t have time to be up on erotic fashion when you have to iron woggles and cut sandwiches into the shape of ferrets for the edification of small children. I rely on others to inform me of new and interesting information on the erotic superhighway. Clearly I have been let down by my sources!

    Em
    Yurs….Sorry…

    MK
    Excellent news all round!

    May
    You can look now.

    Justme
    Hello. Lovely to see you again.x

    Jo
    You should definitely go for it. I think a Pritt Stick is a very sensible idea. They do pink ones now you know?

    Tattoos eh? You are braver than me. I have been thinking about one now for the last twenty five years.

    Connie
    Thank you, but I think I have a face made for radio.xx

    Jen
    I have a friend who is now a bowel surgeon. Her stories of A&E are best only heard after a few drinks. I know of which you speak!

    Dawn
    Me either! Who knew it was so complicated?

    Sharon
    No. Do not let the men read it if you need grandchildren.

    I have some interesting running stitch in those areas myself, I have often thought about painting it with flowers and turning it into a feature. Now I could just jewel it up!

    Libby
    If only I’d watched it, I bet it would have answered a lot of my questions.

    Doll
    It’s a mix of desperation and a life so bleak that it isn’t worth talking about!

    Betty
    I popped over to the blog and read a few posts. I love it. Your style is fantastic, and thank you so much for answering my questions. I know where to come should I ever need further instructions on the art of erotica.

    Trish
    Thank you very much.x

    Janet
    It means that here too!

  21. OMG – I literally weed my pants, thank god there were no crystals on my vajajay they might have come unstuck.
    I read it out to my aunt who can not understand why you are NOT YET PUBLISHED!
    There r so many potential variations on decorating the lady garden…are you familiar with MERKINS?

  22. > Clearly I have been let down by my sources!
    Actually I nearly did blog vajazz when I saw it some weeks ago. Can’t think now why I didn’t especially as the blog post I saw had a very nice picture of same. Clearly I should have known better than to demure.

    > interesting running stitch in those areas myself, I have often thought about painting it with flowers and turning it into a feature.
    Such a fantastic offer … We are pleased to inform you that this is permitted under licence on condition you hold a free exhibition for all your “friends-and-relations”. 😉

  23. Choo
    You are too kind. Apologise to your aunty for me. It’s her soft furnishings you are doing a wee on now.

    Yes, I am aware of merkins. Have been for some time. There is an optician at Brent Cross shopping centre called Ben Mirkin. It always makes me snigger.

    Keith
    There you go you see. If only you had blogged it, I would have been in the loop already.

    You’ll have to wait for any exhibiting until there’s a warm spell!

  24. Can we have a post on Merkins please…a wholly unexplored area for many…it would be a public service!!x

  25. > a public service!!x

    Now why did I read that as “public servicx”? Duh!!

  26. No, no, Keith, it’s a ‘pubic service’ *snort*….

  27. You three are far too rude for me to play with anymore. 🙂

  28. I am amazed that not one of you English speaking people have picked up my American’s constant confusion on the difference between the vagina and the vulva. They are NOT synonyms!

    What would be the point of any jazzie stuff on / in a vagina.

    Duh!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s