Welshgirl has sent me a meme. The idea is that you list ten honest things about yourself without fibbing (such is the invidious nature of honesty) and then you pass the meme on to ten other people. It sounds very scary. The only things you don’t know about me are probably far too awful for me to broadcast to the nation. Nevertheless I will give it my best shot. Be prepared. It is grisly. You probably don’t want to be eating your tea whilst reading this.
- I have hair on my big toes. I think I am actually part Hobbit. Nobody said that regularly depilating your big toes would be part of your adult beauty routine. I was devastated when they appeared. I am now waiting for them to go grey, so I can be old and hairy. I blame this and the stomachs for my failure to grace the cover of Elle magazine.
- I found grey hair in my lady garden parts. This is why I adopt the Brazilian attitude to pruning. Nobody wants to take their pants off and be reminded of their imminent shove off this mortal coil. Having to look at myself with no clothes on is bad enough already thanks. Yikes.
- Once when we were very drunk my friend Alice and I held hands while we crouched over a gutter and had a wee because there were no available toilets and we were desperate. It was in the Car Park at the back of the council offices in Lampeter, if you ever want to go there on pilgrimage, or simply avoid it like the plague. It is now the site of a Co-op. I expect where we widdled is now the deli counter or something nice like that. We had to hold hands because we were not very steady on our pins, so squatting on our haunches dressed to kill was even worse.
- I once had sex in a haystack during a thunderstorm. I thought it was going to be romantic. It was itchy, uncomfortable and bloody freezing and I had scratches from all the corn stalks on my arse for weeks afterwards. I was very mardy and scowled a lot. I do not envy Lady Chatterley, not at all.
- Peppermints make me fart. Never offer me a mint. Just tell me I have smelly breath and let me deal with it my own way.
- I am phobic about maggots. I once swallowed one by accident and it has rather put me off. Not that I thought they were particularly fabulous before the whole swallowing thing mind you.
- I once went through a phase of eating raw Oxo cubes. I think I must have been rather salt deficient at the time.
- I got stood up by a boy once. He asked to to go to the cinema with him. I was twelve. I stood outside in the pouring rain for half an hour and he never came. I didn’t even fancy him that much, but I was still devastated. At that point I had National Health glasses and a curly perm. I looked like a woman called Edna. I was convinced that nobody would ever love me and I would die a mad old spinster who had never kissed anyone. This merely confirmed my worst fears.
- I once put my contact lenses in the wrong eyes. I spent two days feeling violently ill and being very shouty. I then went to the opticians and demanded my money back because I had nearly fallen under a bus thanks to his shoddy workmanship. I walked out five minutes later absolutely mortified beyond belief.
- I once drank so much alcohol I ended up snogging the girl I had gone out drinking with because she suggested it might be a good idea. She was also very drunk. It wasn’t great. It confirmed my belief that I wasn’t a natural lesbian. Her husband found out and refused to let us go out together again. It was probably for the best.
So, there you have it. I bet you wish you hadn’t asked now don’t you. Nominating ten people is far too difficult. I nominate Jaywalker, who gets landed with everything I get sent as a matter of course, and Ali over at Callapippertree because her blog is my new addiction. Fun, fun, fun.