I stole this meme idea from Dick Madeley whose blog you can read here. The idea is to answer the question with one word. You know that this is never going to work for me, verbal pooh bilge woman. So I have freely chosen to ignore the very point of the meme and just answer the questions in my own random way. Feel free to give it a whirl should you feel so inspired.
1. Where is your cell phone? God knows. I never know where my phone is. I frequently leave it in taxis, on buses and just lying around on the road. Not helped by my son’s desire to steal it and ring his ‘grammy’ at every available opportunity and then toss it aside like an old sock when he is unable to locate her. You will be totally unsurprised to know that my phone is practically an antique and people openly jeer in the street should I be able to find it long enough to ring or be rung. I have killed several phones. I find a brisk application of soya milk into the keypad works a treat, as does dropping it down a toilet bowl or infusing it lightly in fromage frais.
2. Your significant other? Working at the coal face of high tech consultancy and dreaming of being Chris ‘Jesus’ Ferguson the miraculously hairy face of celebrity poker.
3. Your hair? As previously and longwindedly mentioned in many a blog entry, Wurzelish in the extreme. Prone to bouts of violent slicking, frizzing and just generally what my ex-husband used to call HMP (Hair of A Mental Patient). As with my bosom, it is less controllable now that I am in my mid thirties than it was when I was in the long, dark, tunnel of adolescence. Curses. I fear the menopause and the havoc it will undoubtedly bring to my hairy regions.
4. Your mother? Probably dreaming of multiple uses for brown sauce and buying random items of old furniture to stuff into the few inches of space she still has left in her house. Either that or thinking up lunatic new ideas for the decoration of the downstairs toilet. It is currently decorated in old Ordnance Survey maps. Before that it was Swedish newspapers. Prior to that we had Garfield.
5. Your father? As mad as a sack of bats. Tending to his Kia, buying bits of hideous carnival glass and trying to convert the world to its deep and lasting beauty, or ghost busting. His hobby is exorcisms and spiritualism. He does not wear a jumpsuit. There is much to be thankful for.
6. Your favourite thing? Currently my favourite thing is watching things I may have missed on television on DVD. I am half way through the first Series of Six Feet Under, two episodes into Band of Brothers, half way through Marion and Geoff and at a cliff hanger in the second series of Dexter. My favourite thing changes once every two nanoseconds. Mostly I go back to Starbucks chocolate cornflake squares.
7. Your dream last night? I was ballroom dancing to the death with Bruce Forsyth in a weird version of The Running Man meets Strictly Come Dancing. As I don’t watch Strictly Come Dancing and have an allergy to Bruce Forsyth I found this extremely puzzling and have been thinking about it on and off all day. It may be Freudian. I shudder to think.
8. Your favorite drink? Americano with room for milk. Just enough milk to make it slightly not black but mostly. In times of deep existential crisis I buy original Lucozade and mourn the long gone days of dimpled glass bottles wrapped in that virulent orange cellophane.
9. Your dream/goal? For someone to pay me lots of money to write whatever I want. As I already do it for free it seems unlikely anyone is ever going to fall for it.
10. The room you’re in? My lovely study on the second floor of the house. I can hear the girls squabbling over felt tip pens in the kitchen and hear Oscar watching Nina and the Neurons in the lounge. Near enough for emergencies, far away enough to have time to stop Oscar jabbing a fork in the hard drive.
11. Your hobby? Blogging and shopping. I would like to combine them and call it blopping, which sounds much less sexual than shogging.
12. Your fear? Going blind and not being able to read books. Oh yes, and dying before I find out what happens in whatever book I happen to be reading. I ALWAYS read the last bit of a book way before the end. No, it does not spoil it for me. I pay much closer attention to where the book is taking me and notice things I wouldn’t otherwise notice. Plus it stops me dying from anxiety before I get to the end of my book and becoming a cruel twist of fate.
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In the pages of World of Interiors showing off my fabulous house, the cages in which I keep Diarmuid Gavin and Kevin McCloud, my servant monkeys and my collection of Louboutins and Philip Treacey hats.
14. What you’re not? A man called Dave with a big, hairy biker moustache. Bovver’d.
15. Muffins? I am very fussy about muffins although I like the fact they rhyme with puffins. I like to dream of puffins with their little rainbow beaks, busily tucking in to sardine muffins of a morning and listening to Gardener’s Question Time. That’s the life. I hate those soggy muffins that come in plastic wrappings in cafes and taste like pellets of soggy toilet roll. I hate blueberries and I hate ‘skinny’. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ones with a hefty dose of chocolate are acceptable. Oh! And they mustn’t be too dry. Like Goldilocks they must be just right. I dream of the Platonic muffin. All I get are pale imitations in the shadows of the bakery fire. Pah! I rarely eat them.
16. One of your wish list items? The sculpture of Jacob and the Angel by Jacob Epstein. It used to be in the hall in Tate Britain if anyone’s thinking of pinching it for me. You’ll need some kind of lifting equipment, and possibly Geoff Capes.
17. Where you grew up? In the country being forced to listen to radio four and be The Good Life by my mother, and with a father who spent all his life bringing home crazy things he had done a deal with a bloke he met somewhere in a layby for. These included; a church organ minus pipes, two fruit machines in working order, a fire engine, two old fashioned fruit machines that worked with big, old pennies, a dancette record player, a toilet and motorbike.
18. The last thing you did? Made home made spicy tomato sauce to go with the pasta and pork we are having tomorrow. Tonight Matthew, I am on strike and Jason has gone to the fish and chip shop so we can pretend to be commoners and add richness and texture to our cholesterol. I will not be purchasing a pickled egg.
19. What are you wearing? Boden boots, Killah Jeans, Banana Republic t-shirt, M&S Bra on its last legs, Calvin Klein pants for comfort and not for speed. Huge fluffy socks. I cannot resist huge, fluffy socks. Assorted stains courtesy of Oscar and something nice in blue felt tip pen by Tallulah.
20. Favorite gadget? Pale blue, Kitchenaid Mixer. I love it. I feel like Nigella. Second favourite is my cafetiere. Don’t leave home without it.
21. Your pets? Random spiders in the corners of the room where I can’t be arsed to dust. Probably some weevils in that bread flour we bought in the summer holidays and haven’t finished up yet. The children.
22. Your computer? Old, knackered, slow and probably virus infested. Jason is going to buy me a whizzy, new laptop. I expect he will like it and I will be back to this thing while he ‘borrows’ my laptop until it is antiquated, whereupon it will suddenly have been mine all along.
23. Your mood? Bizarre with dry spells and a period of increased low pressure over the Cheviots. Random bursts of laughter will be followed by prolonged bouts of weeping, probably in quick succession. Cynicism levels high.
24. Missing someone? The man bearing my offer of a lifelong stipend from the Crown, just for being me.
25. Your car? The law forbids me to own or operate wheeled machinery due to my fluff brainedness and peculiar fondness for Jeremy Clarkson.
26. Something you’re not wearing? My sense of propriety. That and galoshes, or indeed any kind of troublesome 1920’s based footwear such as spats. I expect snorkelling flippers were also invented around this time. It is known as the ‘era of ludicrous shoe fettling’ by historians. Apparently Tallulah Bankhead wore horseshoes on stage.
27. Favourite store? Individual store, Daunt Books on Marylebone High Street. Chain store; T.K. Maxx.
28. Like someone? Depends how misanthropic I feel. Bah!
29. Your favourite colour? Pale blue.
30. When is the last time you laughed? Five minutes ago watching my son stir a bowl full of Canadian pennies with a sword to make a ‘cuppatea’.
31. When is the last time you cried? Monday when I wanted to obliterate the children into a fine mist of existentialist goo.