Tag Archives: rude vases

Alan Measles

I have got a little project on hand.

Jaywalker has a new dress.  She blogged about it here.

She says it is like something Grayson Perry would wear.  I love Grayson Perry I got terribly excited.

For those of you who don’t know who Grayson Perry is, I will reveal all.

He is a brilliant potter who makes gorgeous pots which are very lovely to look at and you think: ‘Oh! How pretty.’ and then you realise that plastered all over said pot is a picture of a man with a hoover attachment up his bum.  The things he makes are often quite rude. Rude but beautiful.  I have blogged about him several times because I am hoping that one day he will read about how much I like him and give me one of his pots.  Because otherwise he’s going to have to wait until I win the jackpot at Gala Bingo before I can afford one.  He makes other things too, carpets and maps and stuff and things. I’d take any of it, napkin holders if necessary.  I can’t really find a picture which does his stuff justice.  Here is a paltry effort.  You’ll just have to take my word on the beauty thing:

This one is called: ‘We’ve Found The Body.’  Best not to buy it for your gran.

The reason Jaywalker’s dress looks like Grayson Perry is not because it is the shape of a pot, or indeed a man shoving a hoover part up his anal passage, but because Grayson Perry is a transvestite.  He has a girl alter ego called Claire.  Claire is not a regular transvestite type woman.  Claire is a little girl who likes party frocks and balloons and bows.  Claire looks like this:

 

Grayson Perry as \

So as you can imagine I was intrigued by Jaywalker’s choice of fashion wear.

She has promised to send me a picture of it.  In exchange I have promised to make her a bag with Alan Measles on it.

Alan Measles is Grayson Perry’s teddy bear.  He got it when he was a small child. It is called Alan after his then best friend and measles because he had measles when he got it (Perry, not Alan. Do keep up.) Anyway, Alan Measles looms large in Perry’s life along with mad frocks and rude pots.  In fact he often makes rude pots with Alan on.  Alan is a hero who often saves the day.  I couldn’t find a decent picture of Alan either, but you may just be able to make him out on the top of this pot if you squinch your eyes up a bit.

I have promised this thing in a fit of enthusiasm and am now slightly stumped as to how to go about it. I’m not getting cold feet.  Don’t get me wrong.  This is not a get out of jail free, wiggly, wriggly blog.  This is a mulling over my options blog.

The crucial thing to remember here is that I am not artistic.  I am much more of a make do and mend woman. I appreciate art. In fact I love art.  I would love to be artistic.  I have been to drawing and painting classes and I am crap.  I am also bad at handicrafts in general and sewing specifically.  Nevertheless I am enthusiastic.  There is none of this, ‘could do better if tried harder,’ about me.  More like, ‘did try harder, didn’t do any better, but fair play.’

I was going to go into town today with Oscar and spend time mooching about various craft and sewing emporiums coming up with ideas.  Instead I stayed at home and sulked, played rubbishy games on the internet and wondered about making myself an eye patch with the remnants of whatever I make an Alan Measles bag with.

I am now wondering if the prototype goes well and Jaywalker is happy with it, if I could make Mark II for Grayson Perry and send it him for Christmas.  He may be so impressed by my artistic creations that he sends me a lovely hand crafted present to cheer me up.  Either that or a cease and desist letter and something fierce along the lines of; ‘I’ll sue you, you Alan Measles stealing swine’. 

Never let it be said that I’m not daring.  Let’s do it.

In the meantime, any ideas gratefully received.  The project will inevitably take time, particularly if my Word Twist habit keeps on apace.  I hope it’s not in demand for christmas parties.  I shall however, keep you all posted on the progress of the measlesac.