Evil Elfish

Well, enough of cheery goodwill.

Back to the bitching about Christmas.

Today I will mostly be reserving my venomous wrath for the spectre at the feast that is ‘Elf on the Shelf’, or ‘Fecking Elf on the Fecking Bloody Shelf Bloody Arse,’ as I like to call him.

Until this year I had had the great good fortune not to have heard of this particular Christmas delight.  It was/is big in the States.  Now it has reached our shores, and nobody is safe.

Quite literally.

For those of you who haven’t come across this particular item of yuletide desire I will elaborate.

You buy your Elf on the Shelf kit.  It contains a story, and an elf doll.

The elf doll is particularly troubling. He kind of reminds me of a simpleton elf version of that doll Chucky, the one in the horror films.  His cheap, garish, pink plastic face makes me cringe with revulsion every time I see it.  As do his spindly Struwwelpeter arms and legs.  Not only is he shoddy looking, but he is also eerie and wrong.

Rather like Jimmy Saville.

You read your children the story.  It tells them about how Santa has sent a bunch of scout elves out into the world to be adopted. You are now the proud family of the adoptee.  You must give him a special, festive name, and register him on the Elf on the Shelf adoption website.

Once this is done the elf can get to work.

His work is to spy on the children in your family in order to report back to Santa, telling him how naughty or nice you have been.

Every night when the children are sleeping, the elf flies back to Santa and gives his report.  In the morning he will be back in your home, ready to do more surveillance.  Eventually, when he has dobbed you in good and proper he goes back to the North Pole to regain his strength for next year’s spyathon.

He is like the magical version of Guy Burgess.

The cuteness factor is heightened by the number of kooky places the Elf on the Shelf panel of experts suggest you might like to leave him for the children to find. Do you leave him in the freezer, because he likes icy cold temperatures? Only if your children habitually pilfer fish fingers or spend their lives with their faces in the deep freeze, you fecking weirdos.

Do you let him climb your Christmas tree and use your shiny baubles to see even further than his  beady elf eyes could normally reach?

Do you throw him down the waste disposal unit and accidentally lean on the on button, and hope that his mangled remains can manage to crawl their way back to the North Pole?

Do you chop off his tiny elf head and leave it in your daughter’s bed in the form of a mafia style warning for not pairing her socks properly in the last laundry purge?

I would.

you can even buy Elf Couture items from the website: skating skirts with robins on; bobble hats with Clare Rayner’s face on; gimp masks. That kind of thing.

The children are not allowed to touch the elf. Apparently this makes his magic disappear.

I think this is a fatal flaw in their plan here.  Any child of cunning worth their salt would be hugging that doll like crazy as soon as it came out of the box. Thus disabling the Santa Big Brother device good and proper.

And who could blame them?

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20 responses to “Evil Elfish

  1. That seems over elaborate. Just the kids that the alarm motion detectors in the corner are “Santa Cams’ that flash red when Santa is watching. Job done.

  2. yes, and then no horrible eerie plastic faces.

  3. Evil genius idea Charles! If I ever acquire grandchildren I will pass it on :-)

  4. That is completely bonkers. And creepy. My girls let me experience the joy of the Furby on the first go-round. So, so painful and I hear they brought them back! I do remember telling my brother who is 10 years younger some elaborate lie that involved Rudolph losing his red nose if my brother misbehaved and thus Santa would not find our house. This was surprisingly effective when he was a very gullible 4 year old and I was a cranky teen who was tired of babysitting.

  5. that sounds like a really annoying gift that requires parental guidance. AAARRRRGGGHHH, I hate gifts like that.

    Date: Thu, 13 Dec 2012 21:17:38 +0000 To: ruth2day@hotmail.com

  6. Waaah, I clicked on the link and now wish I hadn’t. Those elves look EVIL!! How do they not give children nightmares?

  7. I’m American, I’ve never heard of this hellishness…!

  8. I loathe Elf on a shelf. I am not turning my house into a panopticon ruled by a creepy doll. Some parents even stage messes (spill flour, etc.) and say that the Elf did it to pin it on the kids. So the Elf is a two-timing narc! And I expect he doesn’t do windows, so a mess just means more work for the parents. Check out all the Pinterest stuff devoted to the Elf on a shelf–it’s insane.

  9. Just wrong. They are ugly and creeptastic. And apparently children love them and tell their friends and the makers have a nice profit margin on fifty cents worth of doll materials. I have a hard time with the Santa story all on its own, I don’t need to be lying about an elf’s nighttime activities on top of that.

  10. Ugh. My Jewish mother-in-law just sent an elf for both of my kids and a movie. I had never heard of these elves before and they were in no way welcome in the house. Of course the kids sleep with them etc. They haven’t seen the movie, or heard any of the creepy “they’re watching you” job descriptions so they are just soft toys (no plastic heads or anything) to them vaguely in the style of christmas. But, I ask you, what normal Jewish Babushka sends Christmas elves to her grandchildren? I thought we were immune, but no, she wants them to feel under surveillance and sent them specifically for that purpose. She kept stressing that they need to see the movie and know they are being watched. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that the elves themselves are actually the least of my problems…

  11. What J. said! Also, I am not a Christmas loather at all, but once I had children old enough to talk to about Santa, I found that I felt pretty weird about essentially lying to them about the whole Santa thing. We did talk about Santa, because I remember it being a fun part of childhood, but I get uncomfortable about having to justify Santa too much just to prolong the lie. But the last thing I want to do is drastically expand the perimeters of the lie’s territory to that creepy elf thing. If parents (or in-law) want children to feel that Christmas has become really high-stakes, why not just adopt the legend of Père Fouettard, as per Belgian Waffle (http://www.scribd.com/doc/74129859/A-Child-s-Christmas-in-Belgium)? No faffing about with Pinterest, just deliver the sheer straight-up terror.

  12. Ah yes! Ms. Waffle and her scary stories. Perfect

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