I have been poorly ill again.
If you had said to me, twenty years ago, that by the time I hit my forties I would be spending most of my time either glued to, or running away from the CLD (TM) I would have laughed in your face, ‘hah!’
I am not that sort of person.
Underneath I am indefatigable. I can be of stout heart and clean vest. I can keep going where weaker people crumble. I am stalwart. I am a trooper. I have sinews of steel and nerves of iron.
Except when I don’t. Like at the moment.
And now I am weaker people, and I crumble all the time, and I hate it.
And I ricochet between huge, maudlin bouts of self pity, where I cry and wail and ask piteously for soup, and quiet suffering where I secretly think I almost certainly have a brain tumour and wonder what things I will decide are important in my last few months of life and what things I will shed from me like a tree with loose leaves. And then there are the times when I turn into a snarly, snappy beast of a woman who is cross with herself and cross with the world and two sticks just does not cover the amount of crossness I have at how I have LET MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE DOWN.
At times like these I feel like giving myself detention, and possibly making myself kneel on pencils.
Yesterday I got to school feeling as sick as a dog. It does not help that with this sickness bug going around school, as it has been doing for many a long week now, that the school is entirely redolent of vomit. Warm vomit, because the heating is on at governmentally boiling temperatures.
I lasted half an hour before I went a very funny colour indeed, decided that I had obviously caught Oscar’s bug, and hot footed it home.
Well, slow footed it actually, as I felt terrible and drove all the way home at old lady speeds with my head out of the window, trying not to throw up over the upholstery.
By the time I did get home my head was splitting, and it was then I realised that I was welcoming in yet another migraine. Weird that the nausea came first, but then these menstrual headaches are not the usual sort at all, and like to take me by surprise every now and again.
I took many drugs and went and slept and slept.
I woke up. I took more pills.
I slept and slept and slept.
This morning I feel slightly sick and my head is fine as long as I hold it very, very still indeed and try not to make any sudden moves.
If I do that, it might come off.
I am not at school today. I need all my strength for tomorrow when I am going to help with the Christmas Fete and take my daughter to her carol concert and take my children to the carol concert that my daughter is in, and I will whirl and whirl and whirl like a snowstorm until very late indeed, and if I am not sensible today I will be sorry tomorrow.
And I bloody hate being sensible.
Which makes me cross and cross and cross, and I feel like ‘My Naughty Little Sister’ except that I am not little.
Would that I were. I would remind myself to grow up more carefully this time, and not to be such an uter wede and wet.