Sometimes I Pay Attention to my Children

You may be able to tell that I am in a ‘sleep is for the weak’ phase at the moment.  Although my motto should read: ‘sleep is for the non freak’.  I am having a few days of full blown panic attacks in between all the jollification.  I am glad that I have had to schedule them last thing at night, so that they don’t interfere with my otherwise busy life.  I know why I am having them.  My life is full of complicated and life changing events, most of which are positive, none of which I am really at liberty to blog about right now and my head, as one of my friends says, is well and truly in the wok at the moment.

I am just about to leap into a hot bath with a pint of gin (I don’t think that’s the cure for what ails me actually, before you think I am about to tell you I am having a baby.  I am not.  Nor is it because I am getting rid of it with a hot bath and a pint of gin.  At this point it would have just been easier to delete that last sentence wouldn’t it?), but thought I ought to briefly fling the children into the blogging mix.  They are, after all, one of the reasons I started this thing in the first place.

So, to news of the demented midgets:

Tilly took the news about the failure of the school appeal very well considering.  Wobbly lips and wet eyes notwithstanding we were able to put a positive frame on things, helped not a little by three hundred crispy duck pancakes.

Tallulah claims she is nearly able to do the splits.  Apparently ‘C’ at school can do them already and she is tutoring Tallulah.  God help us all if it goes horribly wrong. I have no idea how to apply a tourniquet to a ruptured, prepubescent vagina.  I may have to have Dr. Christian Jessen on speed dial.  Watch Embarrassing Bodies on Friday to see if we make the final cut, as it were.

Tallulah has been put in for her yellow belt at karate in two Saturday’s time.  She is as pleased as punch.  So are we.  Who knew she would make such a good ninja assassin? (hem hem)

Tallulah lost her second front tooth last night.  Not only did I help her pull it out (I hate this bit of parenting so very much), but I also remembered to wake up the tooth fairy and kick her sorry ass into prompt action.  No grovelling letters of apology necessary this week.  Nor will I make Tallulah eat corn on the cob like my mother made me when I lost both two front teeth simultaneously.  Ha!

Oscar is still very impressed with his manly bits.  Today while we were in the garden centre he needed a wee.  The toilet was a good few hundred metres away.  He spent the whole walk there saying in stentorian tones: ‘It’s great being a boy mama, because when you’ve got a willy and you need a wee, you can just pinch the end like this see?  And that stops all the wee coming out and flooding my pants.  Big men can do it too you know?  They’ve got willies too.  They just pinch the end like this, etc, etc, etc’ past four hundred middle class grandmothers holding onto their wisteria for dear life.

Unfortunately Oscar is still not tall enough to get to Disneyworld yet.  He thinks he’s having issues with his knees.  I shall keep you abreast of all progress on this front.

Oscar on the lizard monsters in Doctor Who: ‘They’re not real monsters are they dada? No.  I don’t think so, because they’ve got eyes you see.  Real monsters don’t have eyes do they?  No, and they’re not real anyway.  Spiders are real though, and they’ve got eyes, haven’t they dada?  But they’re not monsters, because they’re just spiders, with eyes. etc,etc, etc.’

Matilda has invented a story involving a comedic, crime fighting duo known as Twadger (a very stupid badger apparently) and Caterpillock (a very stupid caterpillar).  I cannot possibly comment on who helped her come up with the names, and advised her not to mention them to anyone in authority.  The first story she has written about them is excellent, and includes illustrations.  If I can find it I promise to post it on the internets stat.  There is a second story in progress.

Tallulah went on her school trip to the botanical gardens in Oadby last week.  Apparently she caught three newts while she was pond dipping.  It was a minor disappointment when they made her put them back.  Her tree  recognition skills are excellent (species rather than, ‘Look! A tree! Watch out!), and her insect squishing skills are coming on apace.  Today as we were picking up Beech nut cases and collecting goose feathers, she philosophically picked a lump of goose pooh out of her hair, and said: ‘I expect everyone in the whole world has trodden on an ant at some time or another.’  I found this very Zen.  Later she was staring at a red spider, which Tilly told her fed off of people’s blood and said darkly: ‘I think Nature is very fascinating. It is full of Interesting stuff,’ and glared at the spider.  I do not know whether to be worried by this.  I am monitoring things.

Oscar was explaining to me today how his bedroom light is brilliant because it is full of ‘trickery’ or is it ‘tricity’ mama?

The children have invented a new game.  It consists of Matilda being a chicken called Patricia, who pretends to be a children’s nanny, lures people onto her plane (???) and shouts: ‘Fly CHICKEN AIRWAYS!’ very loudly.  This then causes all of the children to dissolve into hysterics.  Tallulah invented a game called ‘Chinchilla’s Bum’ this afternoon.   I tried not to pay too much attention to what it was about.  I doubt that it had very much to do with chinchillas, and quite a lot to do with bums, which is why I went away swiftly.

Which is what I am going to do now.