Simon Says – Let’s Go to Bed Together

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I love Simon Schama.  He may well fall into the category of unsuitably weird crushes, about which I posted quite a while ago, and which I am compiling a new and updated list for.

Here he is:

In this photo I think he is trying for the ‘foxy but broodingly intellectual’ look.  Note how he has eschewed the traditional academic’s tweed jacket for sexy, rumpled leather, and is fondling his glasses in a come hither way rather than perching them atop the bridge of his nose a la Professor Yaffle, who reminds me of him in a strange way:

Now I don’t think Simon needs to try looking sexy.  He just exudes sexiness.  Mostly, for me, when he is getting terribly excited about some random factette in history, and his little face scrunches up with boyish enthusiasm and his hands fly about like a man obsessed by doing the world’s fastest mime to ‘Wind the Bobbin Up’ and he’s twitching away, tweed blazing in the light of his intellectual rigour:

See him here, in mid explanation, the hands flying, the glazed expression, staring into a world of intellect that only he can see clearly, shining like the grail on a far distant horizon.

Sigh…

For those of you who are unfamiliar with his work I will explain.

Apart from being an intellectual sex behemoth, he is a kind of modern renaissance man who writes epic books about subjects that you might think are going to bore the pants off you, but which are actually made rivettingly interesting because of two key things.  One is that Simon totally believes 100% in what he is doing and has an unquenchable zeal and enthusiasm for his subject which, if you are within a three mile radius is totally inescapable.  You might be an AA man, called out to fix his flat tyre. You have no interest in say the politics of the French Revolution.  After a hard day’s work, coughing up exhaust fumes in a layby on the A50 you like to watch repeats of Bull’s Eye and make scale models of Chartres Cathedral out of match sticks.  Simon kindly engages you in conversation, hoping to take your mind off the tedium of having brake fluid dropping down your vest, and ten minutes later you are in the grip of an epiphany.  You realise that the early political machinations of Robespierre are the most fascinating thing you have ever come across and you don’t understand why you hadn’t discovered this earlier.  You replace his tyre in hasty gratitude and bunk off work for the rest of the afternoon to head off down to the library and become intimately engaged with the writings of Christopher Hibbert, and even Simon himself.  Such are Simon’s power and charisma.

The second thing is that Simon is a scurrilous gossip monger and loves a good historical bitch fight.  I imagine that going out for a drink with him would be a total blast, as he casts his critical eye over the seething mass of humanity before him and pronounces pithily on matters of fashion whilst casually dropping in nuggets of conversational gold: ‘Did you know his left foot is entirely made of Gouda?’ etc.

And this is the way Schama presents history.  He leaves in all the juicy bits, he embraces all the salacious details. He gives you the dirt, the human interest and the scandal.  All the stuff which history teachers leave out.  He tells it to you like you were watching the world’s most gripping soap opera.  Imagine Joan Collins as Alexis Carrington doing Elizabeth I.  Total respect…

And not only does he write books. He does this stuff on telly too.  My absolute favourite is his series called The Power of Art.  It is sheer genius, and if you ever thought art was boring I defy you to watch this and ever think it again.  Even Jason was interested.

Anyway, Simon deserves a post all to himself because not only is he a genius with a brain the size of a planet, but he may also be the key to solving one of my long standing problems.

Currently they are re-showing his epic series ‘A History of Britain’ on one of the history channels.  If you are interested and live in foreign climes, you can buy it here, on Amazon as a box set for the staggeringly  good price of £17.88, and if you are in the UK and still want it anyway, postage is free.

Anyway, I missed this series the first time around, because I am what marketing gurus call ‘A late adopter’.  i.e. I turn up to the party after everyone else has buggered off, and spend the evening helping the hostess remove ground up Hula Hoops out of the shag pile Wilton instead of getting down to the funky beat.  Such is my role in life.  So, I am watching them now.  And I love them, and they are all the things I have described.  Unfortunately, Simon’s voice is incredibly soporific.  Every time I put one on, without fail I am asleep within ten minutes.  I am forced to watch him in a Youtube style manner, which means that every episode lasts me for ages.

Last night I watched ten minutes of one at 11.00 p.m.  Jason woke me up at 1.00 a.m. to go to bed.  I went straight to bed and straight to sleep.  This morning Jason pointed out how rare this is, and how brilliant it is, and had I thought of buying some Audio CD’s so I can take Simon to bed with me every night?  I was thrilled.  Not only does it mean that I will get to sleep.  It means I get to sleep with Simon Schama with my husband’s consent.

Winner.

Advertisement