Friday 27th February – Quick, Quick, A Doctor with Ears AND Brains

So. This morning did not start well.  If I were an omen reading sort of girl I would probably have crawled back into bed and cancelled my doctor’s appointment.  Luckily I am not good at sheep entrail tossing and runes so I carried on.

The kids were vile this morning.  They did not want to get up at all.  I did not want to get up.  Andrea came round last night. We ate tons of garlicky Chinese food, ate mammoth quantities of ice cream and watched two excellent films which I highly recommend, ‘Man on Wire’ the documentary about the French wire walker Philippe Petit who wire walked between the Twin Towers in 1974, and ‘I’ve Loved You So Long,’ a marvellous French film starring the epically glamorous Kristin Scott Thomas.  By the time we’d finished it was half past twelve and I had indigestion and nerves about my upcoming starring role in a medical drama near you.

I waved Andrea off and spent until three in the morning roaming the hallways burping garlic and reading the first chapter of lots of books.  I was not in the best of moods this morning.

Tallulah farted about upstairs for twenty minutes, and came down wailing because she couldn’t find a cardigan. Today she had to have a ‘proper’ one because of her head teacher’s award.  I wouldn’t have minded her not having a proper one if I’d been there to shoot the head when she inevitably made a fuss about it in front of the whole school, but I was going to have my hormones prodded and didn’t want to leave my child undefended at the hands of an imbecile.  I turned to mention to Tallulah that she might like to try the clean washing pile, teetering dangerously at the end of the kitchen.  She was naked except for tights and a skirt.  Twenty minutes to achieve this level of dressedness.  Her hair was uncombed, her teeth were unwashed and she had a pen smut on the end of her nose.  I was not best pleased.

Oscar refused to get dressed for nursery, chanting; ‘I are just NOT goin’ to Donna’s house.’ until I rugby tackled him.  He did that very annoying thing when you are trying to pull their trousers up and they sag like a hundredweight of potatoes.  This added to my happy mood.

We finally got out the door and everyone to school.  One of the mum’s at school who is my friend offered to pretend to be me in assembly.  She was watching her daughter get an award and agreed to cheer for Tallulah as well.  This was very kind of her and perked Tallulah up immensely which avoided tears and recriminations.

I was walking out of the school gate when I heard a crunching noise in the road.  In all the books and articles they always describe it as a ‘sickening’ crunch.  I know it’s a cliche, but it’s one that happens to be true.  I have no idea how it happened but a small child was hit by a car at the crossing.  The kid’s mum was there, the lollipop lady was there, but for whatever reason the car didn’t stop in time.

Everything froze for a moment in that horrible way and then the kid started screaming like a banshee.  This is a good sign.  Noise is always better when dealing with children and injuries.  Noise is reassuring in these circumstances.  I started moving towards them. I could see that nobody in the whole tableaux had reached for a phone.  I had my phone out and was just about to start dialling the emergency services when everyone jolted back into life and someone else did it.  I kept walking.  I was going to suggest that they didn’t move the kid.  They moved him before I could get there.

By this time a crowd had gathered.  I decided it would not be helpful to join the general melee just to gawp at everyone.  I turned and walked towards the doctors.  Poor kid.  The woman who hit the child had parked up and got out.  She looked absolutely distraught herself.  Poor woman.  What a nightmare.

I got to the doctor’s without further incident.  The doctor was on time which in itself is a miracle and certainly not to be sneezed at.  I decided to start with the softly, softly approach before getting out the big guns.  I merely announced that I had been to see a doctor on Tuesday, that I didn’t think she had really understood what I was trying to say, and that I was coming back to try again.  This seemed acceptable.

I described my symptoms.  She wrote them all down so that I could see her doing it.  Her handwriting was surprisingly legible which did make me wonder whether she was actually the cleaning lady in disguise.  I carried on.  She took my previous medical history, which the other doctor had totally failed to do.  She was very sympathetic.  She too has three  children.  it does make a difference.  She knew I wasn’t just a) making it up for effect b) mistaking my symptoms for what was really an ingrowing toe nail and c) being difficult.

She then, and this was what I was most impressed with, asked me what I thought might be the matter and what bothered me most.  I explained that I had suggested, probably erroneously, to the previous doctor that I was worried it may be an ectopic pregnancy, as this had been misdiagnosed for me before and although I was fairly sure it wasn’t, I had wanted some kind of reassurance because it was not an area where I felt there was much margin for error.  She nodded.  I said that I was sure she felt I was being silly because I had my tubes tied, but I wanted peace of mind.

What she said was interesting.  The previous doctor dismissed it out of hand and said the likelihood of ectopic was so slim she was certain it couldn’t happen.  This doctor said that because sperm are both tiny and determined, that even with the stitching or clipping techniques they use in sterilisation procedures there are always going to be some determined sperm that get through into the fallopian tubes.  This means that if a person’s egg is there at the same time as this happens there is still a chance of pregnancy.  Because of the sterilisation it means that this pregnancy is highly likely to be an ectopic pregnancy.  There is apparently, a one in two hundred chance that if someone is sterilised they can still fall pregnant.  That is quite a high probability as far as I’m concerned.  Much higher than I imagined.  As my friend later said, that’s about the same percentage as taking the pill.  I was quite shocked.

It also turns out that because I have had a previous ectopic pregnancy, that I am at a much higher risk of having another one than an ordinary woman who has been sterilised.  Great.

Consequently she drew up a blood test chart to test for levels of HCG, the hormone associated with pregnancy. Apparently they can tell from levels whether I have been pregnant, whether I still am pregnant and whether that pregnancy is ectopic or normal.  She also wanted tests for prolactin, which is another pregnancy related hormone which can apparently randomly surge in middle aged women such as myself, and cause these symptoms. As standard she tested for anaemia.  They always test for anaemia.  They always ask me if I am a vegetarian.  I may have on my tombstone: NO! I ARE NOT A VEGETARIAN. NOW BUGGER OFF! Not that I have anything against vegetarians.  Some of my best friends are vegetarian!

All this was good.  Then we talked about the possibility of my estrogen levels rising and dipping abnormally.  She has made an appointment to see me in two weeks, when this raft of test results come back, and we will look at that too.

She was nice, kind and thoughtful.  She got me in for my blood test straight away.  She even giggled when I mentioned the gastric ulcer thing that the other doctor had prescribed for me.

I love this woman.

Please god let her not fall under a bus in the next fortnight. Things are finally looking up.