Monday 24th November – My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa

I have discovered just what it is that I want for Christmas this year.  Unfortunately.

I have been a good girl this year.  Unfortunately.  This is due to the fact that I have been a) broke, b) mostly ill, c) encumbered by three small children, and d) I don’t get out much anymore.  It can hardly be put down to my natural propensity to sainthood.  Nevertheless there should be some recompense for not having run away screaming whilst cashing in the childrens’ post office savings books to go on the lam shouldn’t there?

Last night I wasn’t doing very well on the going to sleep front, so I decided to watch some telly.  I have lots of things sky plussed that the rest of my family don’t approve of and the only time I really get to watch such things are late at night.  I decided to watch a South Bank Show about the artist Sam Taylor-Wood. 

The only things I knew about her were that she is a friend of Elton John, which is not a particular recommendation in my neck of the woods (although he is hilarious when he is in uber bitch mode. I’m just not keen on the singing bit), and that she made a film of David Beckham sleeping.  Also not much of a recommendation.  Although to be honest, Beckham sleeping is infinitely preferable to Beckham waking, and you do have time to notice the fact that he has incredibly hairy fore arms, which kept me amused for quite some time.

Don’t worry Santa. I don’t want incredibly hairy fore arms for Christmas thanks.  I already have those.  Nor do I want hormone tablets, hot wax or a rotivator.  We shall just leave the fore arms where they are, attached to D. Beckham’s manly form.  I was just putting in some background, setting the scene, adding a bit of local colour and softening you up for the big push.  After all, after thirty six years on the planet I am trying to learn to be a bit less grabby and make my Christmas lists a bit less like the demands of a deranged lone gunman in a hostage situation.  No helicopters on the roof either thanks.

I decided to give it a whirl because a) it might have celebrities in, and I pine for them since having almost weaned myself off of Heat magazine and b) I have been wrong about artists before.  When I did work on Grayson Perry and Tracey Emin for an OU course I was amazed to find that I really liked them both and actually came to an appreciation of their stuff.  Taylor-Wood is the same ‘era’ of Britart, so it was entirely possibly I might like her stuff too.

You see Santa, I am willing to be wrong.  I am willing to admit those wrongs.  I am maturing nicely, like a bit of stinky old cheese, with hair and limbs.  That’s a very disturbing image.  We will move on now I think.

Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes! It was great.  I lubbed it dear Santa  She was interesting and articulate and funny and her work is amazingly lucid and has this wonderful crispness about it.  I am in love with it.  I WANT IT.  Well, you can keep the Beckham thingy, but some of the photographs were just gorgeous and needful.

She has done a series of self portraits in which she seems to be floating in the air, called; ‘Self Portrait Suspended’, which you can see here.  I would like one of these please Santa.

Equally I could be happy with one of these.  A series called; ‘Bram Stoker’s Chair’.

Not the whole series obviously, although they would be nice and I do have a penchant for having sets of things these days.  Not sure why.  Perhaps it is my inner squirrel leaping to the fore.  Although rest assured Santa, that if you were to put these pictures in my stocking, I would not bury them in the garden and then frantically run around for six months trying to remember where I had buried them.  Nor would I eat them once I had found them.  I promise.

The list could go on and on, so I will spare you the gory details. 

She has an exhibition at The White Cube in London which I would dearly love to go and see.  I’m hoping it will still be on in December when I go with Andrea, and that we may have time for me to sneak over and have a look.  I’m particularly interested in a video piece they showed her making on the show.  She has commissioned a music score for an orchestra and has filmed them playing it without the instruments, but as if the instruments were actually there.  When she commissioned the score it was with the understanding that the composer create it to be heard aurally and seen visually with equal drama.  Apparently it is very unsettling.  How cool is that?

I do understand however that it would be hard to get giant video screens through my front door and into my stocking, so I am happy just to leave that one in the gallery and visit it.  I could meet you there if you’re too busy to pop over with the prints.  You’ll find I’m very flexible on these matters Santa.  I am willing to adapt, adopt and survive.

So Santa Jim’ll.  Please fix it for me to either a) make you exist and come on over with the goods, b) find one accidentally in a local charity shop for a fiver and have my Antiques Roadshow epiphany moment, c) get rich quickly enough to buy one or d) find a generous benefactor with no ulterior motive who just wants me to be happy by getting one for me.

And you know Santa, if that were to happen, not to be greedy or anything, but can I have a Grayson Perry vase/map/plate/thing and a Tracey Emin lithograph as well please? Thankyou.

Katy