30th October – Skating for Bras

Can’t resist it. It’s quarter past eleven. I’ve only been back an hour and I can’t keep away from the beautiful blog.  It calls to me with its siren song.

Well. I had a lovely day. Am too tired to think/write properly but I thoroughly enjoyed my theatrical outing, I had a cracking lunch at the Royal Festival Hall, accidentally bought two new books, had a glorious nose around St Pancras and all its shiny new stuff and ate very scrumptious pizza.  There were no mentalists or hen parties on the train and they ran on time.  All in all. v. v. satisfactory indeed.

Some thingsfrom today definitely needed writing down though:

1. I saw a man at a bus stop with an absolutely superb full on Life on Mars/Sweeney style moustache.  It was about a metre wide and drooped down his face all the way to the very ends of his chinny chin chin.  I stared at it in wide, eyed admiration.
2. I saw a man who was clearly quite mental casually grinding his crotch in a humping manner against a bollard.  He wasn’t looking at the bollard or even touching it with his hands, just rhythmically banging his groinal area against it.  He saw me watching him in an appalled manner and just stopped and stared back at me. I expect he carried on when he thought nobody else was looking.  It was all very perturbing.
3. We were walking along the South Bank. A group of teenagers came towards us looking all Emo and alternative.  One girl stared at me as they passed.  I prepared myself for a fight.  She just said very loudly as soon as she had passed me; ‘I could see that woman’s bra through her top!’ in a very shocked manner (My new black Mexx top is slightly see through, but I had a very stout bra on, and am a middle aged woman. I’m hardly Caprice wearing a bra and thong combo to the opening of a milk bottle. I was even wearing a cardigan for goodness sakes). I turned, she turned.  I smiled at her and said: ‘What’s so terrible about that?’ She looked absolutely horrified and scuttled off!  I intimidated a teenager with my bangers! How cool is that?!!
4. At St Pancras when we arrived there were two camera crews filming something on the main concourse.  We were galloping along, as I needed the ladies and we walked past the camera crews.  Lots of people were staring and taking pictures with camera phones.  Even though I was about to widdle out of my ear holes (I hate peeing on trains) I said to Andrea: ‘I just have to turn round, because even though we’ve walked up the whole concourse I can’t for the life of me see what they’re all so excited about and I just have to know what they are all looking at.’  A very posh man in a ridiculously small overcoat smiled at me and said: ‘They’re all looking at the people who are looking.’  I wondered if this was a hit and run philosopher.  I smiled, turned and looked, still couldn’t see anything and then had to rush off as wee was now leaking into my eyelashes.
5. Andrea has told me what her cunning secret plan is for when we come up to London for a whole weekend in December.  I thought she wanted to go ice skating (I don’t know why.  Much like the whole krill thing, it just randomly appeared in my head and stayed there).  It turns out that she wants to go to Rigby and Peller and get fitted for bras.  Now this might not sound very exciting to you, but I was thrilled.  I have always wanted to go to Rigby and Peller and get fitted for a bra.  I am obsessed by the world of ill fitting bras and would feel infinitely superior if my own bras were of legendary quality and a perfect fit.  I would be able to climb onto my bra and judge people with real conviction instead of with the sneaking suspicion that Gok would probably faint with shame at the state of my bra/banger equations.  We have decided that my ice skating idea was also brilliant and so we will get our bangers strapped into the perfect bra and then road test them for firmness with a bout of vicious ice skating later on in the weekend.  Awesome!