Ban him from the bar

I have compiled a list of some more things I will ban when I get to be World Dictator, based on some of my experiences over the weekend.  The petition will be coming to a post office near you in the next week or two…

1. Gangs of ‘hilarious’ (and I use this term loosely) women in Hen Parties going on weekends anywhere on the train.  Those first against the wall will be anyone dressed in hot pink matching outfits with slogans on referring to said Hen party; anyone wearing novelty hats, anyone wearing novelty rabbit ears, anyone squeaking at a pitch guaranteed to burst your ear drums while you’re innocently going about your business, trying to relax because you have no squeaky children with you.
2. Anyone talking on their mobile phone who uses the words ‘like’ or ‘innit’ as punctuation rather than because they actually need to say the words ‘like’ or ‘innit’.  Although why anyone would want to say the word ‘innit’ unless they’re parodying people with the brain cells of a paraplegic amoeba is beyond me.
3. Anyone who actually lives in London but comes ‘up West’ for a day out and acts like they’ve never set foot outside their front door before.  Actions that constitute such behaviour include: standing in the tube doorway and refusing to move, even though they can clearly see you’re trying to get in or out; screaming every time the tube lurches; stepping repeatedly on strangers feet and not apologising; talking at volume eleven and refusing to put the brakes on anything that comes out of their gawping Estuarine mouths including: ‘Ere! Stop bein’ Raaaahhhnnndeeee you!  ‘Arr am I supposed to feel when you’re staring at ‘er boobs wiv yer tong ’angin aht?’; staring in wide eyed puzzlement at the tube ticket machines and trying to feed a fifty pound note upside down into the slot for credit cards; breathing in general; breathing near me in particular.
4. People who try to get on tube trains despite the fact that the carriage is clearly full.  You are usually able to gauge this when the people inside the carriage have their tongues pressed up against the windows and every time the doors open people fall out onto the platform looking like Flat Stanley.
5. Anyone who doesn’t speak English as their native tongue clogging up all the tube ticket machines at St. Pancras because they’re trying to get to Stratford Upon Avon and haven’t worked out that Stratford is not the same thing, and they’re trying to pay with roubles, sheckels, euros, old buttons and jam.  I’m happy for them to have separate ticket machines that speak different languages and explain the difference between jam and hard currency, but when you’ve only got fifteen minutes to get from St Pancras to Paddington and all you want is a one day travelcard but half of Latvia is blocking your way, it can be a little frustrating.
6. People who feel sorry for someone who has been queueing for their tube ticket only to find that the ticket machine they have just arrived at has closed down, and responds to their anguished look of horror by inviting them into your queue to use the machine first.  The only exceptions to this rule should be people with multiple children or elderly pensioners who look as if a strong gust of wind would snap them like a twig.  This courtesy should definitely not be extended to blonde haired women with pneumatic chests and an excuse for a vest top, because the stupid man in your queue thinks he’s in with the chance of a shag.  Mate, even if you let her use you as a human dustbin you stand no chance of a shag.  You’re wearing a novelty t-shirt.  Your trainers look like boats and your jeans are not attractive hovering at mid thigh level, regardless of what Fiddy Cent says.  Fiddy does not come from Catford or have acne and a greasy fringe.  He also, almost certainly, has cleaner pants than you.
7. Boob tubes on the over forties no matter how many diets they’ve been on, or the fact that they bought it from Prada.  Boob tubes are crepey, ageing skin is crepey.  It’s not right.  Call the Fashion Police immediately.
8. Anyone who looks like Grizzly Adams wearing knee length loon shorts and a fetching socks and sandal combo with satchel and man of the woods baseball cap.  Some things are only appropriate in the privacy of your own home.  I did not pay to see this.  I paid to see Pygmalion.
9. People in theatres who use their mobile phones, even if they are doing it in silent mode.
10. People in theatres who clap every last thing the actor does just to show how much they’re enjoying their forty pound’s worth and what a jolly good show it is.  You are not at Class Five’s nativity play now.  Calm down.