I realise that I have kind of missed the point of blogging this week. My raison d’blog was to document my life so that I could look back on it and remember things, rather than vaguely be aware that at some point in 2008 I may have had some sleep and I did make it out to the cinema on more than one occasion. This week I have looked back to find that I have been rather negligent over the nuts and bolts of life, preparing instead to wax lyrical on the causes of chlamydia in the over forty fives and the ethical dilemma of showing a frostbitten penis on television on the same night they televise Last of the Summer Wine. Looking back at this in twenty years time will be sure to give me a nasty headache and a serious case of ‘what was I thinking?’
So, for the purposes of neatness and just in case I ever need to find the receipt, here is what I have done so far this week.
On Monday I did a bit of light shouting at the children whilst getting them dressed and discussing the possibility that the alien cockroach on Catherine Tate’s back might regenerate into Doctor Who at some point in the future. Oscar and I sang lots of songs about pants, all of which featured the word ‘pants’ quite heavily and were rather short on tune. In fact Viking war chanting was more what it sounded like, but we were happy.
We went out for lunch with Saj. Oscar has decided to call her Sajji, but won’t actually call her that to her face. He takes great delight in shouting it to her as soon as she walks away, and then when she comes back he makes like a clam. This is an excellent game and will no doubt be built upon in the months and years to come.
Sajji mangled my hand, which is you will be relieved to know, healing beautifully. I lost my phone. I found my phone. We came back home and made it back to pick the girls up with a nano second to spare. The girls’ dad turned up from Montreal or San Francisco or wherever he’d just come from. We sat on the decking eating cake and cherries while he battled jet lag and the children did synchronised trampolening for our viewing pleasure. Saj got a makeover. I made tea and hosed jelly out of the slats in the new furniture. I hosed jelly and make up out of the slats in the children. I failed to do any homework about Leonardo Da Vinci.
On Tuesday Jason got up at the crack of dawn to drive somewhere tedious for work. I did a bit of shouting at the children whilst getting them dressed about why it is impossible for people to have three helpings of breakfast if they fail to get ready for school on time, and it is not my fault if they starve to death. On the way to school we discussed the fact that a single mosquito could not suck out one person’s entire blood supply, not even if they were nearly five and quite short for their age. This led to a discussion of mosquito habitats and speculation on whether global warming would turn Glenfield into a humid, tropical rainforest before the summer holidays (probably not).
At home I folded laundry, Oscar unfolded laundry and attacked the table leg with his pirate telescope whilst piddling into his new ‘big boy’ pants. My friend Caron came over with her baby and we drank a lot of coffee. We were responsible parents and refused to let either baby drink coffee, despite Oscar’s demands for it. My parents also turned up in the afternoon after turning the county upside down for a caravan for £2.50. A futile attempt (I might suggest that they e-mail Jezza Clarkson). We drank lots of coffee. I bought more coffee from the supermarket and remembered to pick the children up from school despite speeding out of my mind on caffeine. Oscar did a lot more piddling in his pants and remembered to climb onto the potty afterwards. He was very proud of himself. The girls and I discussed the fascinating social hierarchy of the impending school disco. I put them all in the bath. Oscar did a spectacular pooh in the bath. I took them all out of the bath. I scrubbed the bath and the children. I failed to do homework on Leonardo Da Vinci and couldn’t sleep because Jason wasn’t there.
On Wednesday I had extra shouting to do because the girls were going to their dad’s for the night and this meant that they needed to pack a bag of overnight clothes and school uniform for the following day. Tallulah doesn’t see the necessity for clean underwear or socks and many trips up and down the stairs were made, which meant thirds were out of the question on the breakfast front for the third day this week. I refused to get excited about Halloween on the way to school due to the fact that I have two weeks of parties and celebrations ahead of me and I can’t multi-task when it comes to catering.
My friend was supposed to be coming round in the morning for coffee. She got tied up mucking out her horses and forgot. This meant that I got quite a lot of housework done (I rang her and complained). I drank a lot of coffee alone. Oscar did a lot of sword fighting and got very excited about watching Mr. Tumble. So excited in fact that I had to come and watch it with him because it was too amazing to be watched alone and we had to compare notes.
My mummy remembered she was coming for lunch and we sloped off to Borders afterwards to eat cake (allowed on my new dietary regime. I saved up) and play with the toys. Oscar got a new book about pirates, which to his utter amazement has a ‘lady pirate’ in it. Oscar filled his pants in Borders. He likes to pooh in bookshops. He has many strings to his bow. He ran round shouting ’stinky, stinky pooh pants!’ and giggling like a fiend while I tried to catch him. Another pair of bee bop pants down the drain.
I got O.K. Magazine. The Rooney wedding was in its third week and was so boring I couldn’t be arsed to blog about it. The girls and their dad came round after school so he could nurse his ongoing jet lag with a pot of my coffee. Tallulah had hysterics about a stuffed dog and had to be restrained forcibly from piercing everyone’s ear drums and fainting with grief. They went to see Prince Caspian. I had a lie down and a gentle watch of Charlie and Lola with Oscar to recover. Jason got stuck in traffic on the way home. Lee came round for tea and to check that his ageing parents were doing alright. Oscar stole his shoes and tried to stab him with his pirate sword. Oscar took his pirate book to bed to see the ‘lady pirate’ in closer detail shortly after the stabbing incident. I failed to do my homework on Leonardo Da Vinci.
Today I took Oscar to nursery in his pyjamas. It was pyjama day. I don’t know why. I didn’t ask. He was supposed to take a teddy. He didn’t want to take a teddy so we took his new toy blue tit that tweets when you press its tummy. His toy was far superior to everyone elses’ and when I left they were all gathered round having a sneaky tweet. I got home, met the girls dad who had bought me their washing home and needed more coffee. I supplied laundry and caffeine facilities. I jumped in a cab and bombed over to Kim’s house for my monthly fix of homeopathy and a good moan. I felt a lot better. Jumped in a cab and came home. I ate cold risotto whilst replying to random e-mails. I picked cold risotto out of the keyboard and went to pick Oscar up.
The heavens’ opened on the way to nursery and despite the fact that it is only five minutes to nursery and I had stolen one of the girls’ Charlie and Lola umbrellas I was drenched to the skin by the time I got there. Me, Oscar and the blue tit were all sodden by the time we got home. We stripped off, dripped all over the hall floor and even the bird did an underwater kind of tweet. We had a soothing nap. Well, Oscar had a soothing nap and I wrote a blog about frostbitten penises and Russell T. Davies. Fair exchange is no robbery.
Oscar and I visited Tallulah’s new class this afternoon. It is dingy and smells. It smells a lot less than I thought it did because Oscar did a really stinky pooh after ten minutes and I thought it was the classroom until he wafted by under my nose whilst trying to disembowel the interactive white board. I missed several crucial things whilst trying to change him in the midget sized toilet cubicles the school provide. I then found I had run out of nappy bags and there were no bins in the toilet. In desperation I dumped the dirty nappy in the nearest bin I could find. I was so relieved to get rid of it I only realised that it was a paper recycling bin only after I’d ditched it. I made my excuses and left.
By the time I got back to the classroom all the crucial stuff was over, but I do know for a fact that iron on name tags aren’t as good as old fashoned sewing, no football strips as p.e. kits and the children can only bring water to school to drink. Apparently gin impairs their powers of concentration. We’re all set for next year now and I feel that a good time was had by all, especially Oscar who was extraordinarily proud that he had done a rancid smelling pooh in a room full of fastidious parents. Parents who already think I am odd because I make faces with my spare belly fat and talk to the children about rounding up headlice and turning them into a flea circus. (there are nits in school again, according to the shocking pink letter we received on Tuesday. When aren’t there nits in school is more to the point? Luckily we are nit free at the moment. Long may it last).
We came home in a rainstorm. We changed our clothes. I cooked ninja tea while the children fought over watching Horrid Henry and played a game which involved chasing each other round the deck, smacking each other’s bottoms. It’s a great game. If I do it, it’s called child abuse and they cry. If they do it, it’s just good, old fashioned fun. At tea we discussed the school disco for the four hundredth time this week. Oscar did a pooh just as we were about to leave for the first leg of the disco. He didn’t ruin his bee bop pants because we have run out. We were late for the disco and we smelled faintly of pooh due to the quick change.
We came home in a rainstorm, which at least got rid of the faint aroma of pooh. We changed our clothes again and I threw Oscar and Tilly in the shower where they made magic potions and sang songs from the Muppets. Jason came home and I cooked more tea. Jason took Tilly to her disco while Tallulah came back disappointed that she hadn’t won another prize for break dancing, but happy because she had a pink glow stick. She spent until bed time bunjee jumping her bear off the top of her bed in a sack. It’s the quietest she’s been in five years. I am impressed.
Tilly came home happy because she got to dance to Crazy Frog. It’s something that would make me weep into my big girl pants, but each to his own. I did do some Leonardo homework. I read two pages of my book. I hate Leonardo.
This is my week so far…
