Is Ray Mears Plotting the Demise of Celine Dion? Discuss…

As you know, I am a great watcher of my WordPress stats pages, in particular the things people search on.  Usually I wait until the end of the week for a round up of the best questions, statements and queries.  This week however, there have been some corkers and a la the question about where Paul Weller gets his jumpers, I have been unable to contain myself.  Last night I got another such gem, which was: ‘Ray Mears plotting death of Celine Dion.’  Now I know I said that I would never post about Celine again, but this one was too, too good to miss, I think you’ll agree.

 

Those of you who are regulars to my blog will know the fascination and indeed deep esteem in which I hold Ray and all his doings, and my plan to shrink him down with a special device (to be made by my cousin Tom out of cardboard and sellotape) and keep him in a jam jar with some leaves in the bottom in case of emergencies.  He is also to be my top luxury should I ever be chosen to spout forth on Desert Island Discs.  You’d have to agree that he is the best ever choice and far outweighs the delights of a guitar, some caviar or even a Swiss Army Knife complete with the bit that takes stones out of horses’ hooves.  If these plans fail I have a back up plan which is to oust Boris Johnson from office as Mayor of London, bring Ray to power in a militaristic style coup and eventually, when the Queen finally carks it, to persuade Charles that Ray would actually be a much better choice of monarch.  I don’t think he’ll be too disappointed and we will cheer in the streets at the crowning of King Ray the First.

 

You will also know of my strange relationship with the world of Celine Dion.  My almost total ignorance of her entire life and yet the fact that she and her followers keep being drawn into my path like a weird lodestone type thingy, continually gives me pause for thought.  Now that someone has asked about the two of them I have been both perplexed and intrigued.  I spent a great deal of my night time waking hours mulling over whether I thought that Ray would be the sort of person to plot the demise of Celine Dion, or whether this was wishful thinking on the part of whoever typed this into Google.

 

I think there are several situations in which Ray might try to off Celine, including:

 

• If he was stranded with her on an island, the food had run out and she had been practising her scales.  It might just push him over the edge into cannibalism.
• If she laughed at his home made bread board and he was in a particularly fragile state of mind (i.e. his home made string had just gone horribly wrong).
• If she had sworn allegiance with his mortal enemy Bear Grylls and he had found them shacked up together, eating pancakes with blueberry syrup and laughing over reruns of Ray’s first forays into the televisual world in the excellent programme, Country Tracks.
• If she had bought the Alaskan Wilderness to build a beauty parlour and Celine Dion theme park on.

 

The thing with all of these scenarios is that I see them more as a crime of passion type thing than a coldly plotted, well worked out plan.  I know that Ray is a killing machine.  I’m not disagreeing with the fact that he’s more than capable of it.  I’ve seen what he can do with a hole in the ice, some string, a pin and a very ugly fish.  The man has killing hands.  Nevertheless I don’t think he’s an assassin.  He is a gentle giant.

 

And the other thing that makes me think he’s unlikely to kill her is that he clearly eats whatever he kills, and there really isn’t a lot of meat on Celine.  So unless his plan is to fatten her up first and wait until Christmas, which would be hard to do, because surely someone would notice she’d gone missing and put two and two together, I don’t think he’d want to.  If the person had typed in: ‘Is Ray Mears plotting the death of Vanessa Feltz’.  I’d have been much more able to run with it.  Despite her recent weight loss there’s still enough meat on Vanessa to keep someone going for a couple of weeks without even having to boil the bones for soup.

 

As an addendum.  Other Ray type questions have been appearing recently and I’ve been saving them up for a rainy day.  Now’s as good a time as any, as I watch the rain running in rivulets off of my newly finished decking.

 

1. No, I don’t think that Ray Mears is a transvestite.  He only looks comfortable when he’s wearing waterproof ponchos down to his ankles or strange, hand woven gifts from tribespeople who haven’t even heard of John Galliano and wouldn’t know a pair of Uggs if they leapt up and bit him on the bum.  He’s just not interested in fashion.  He’s built for comfort, not for speed.  He is not going to be papped at the Sex and The City opening night now is he? Be realistic.  You’re just indulging in a bit of fantasy wish fulfilment here.  Have some respect.
2. No, I’ve never seen a picture of Ray Mears in the nude, and frankly I don’t want to.  He’s a hero of the twenty first century.  It’s like asking to see a picture of Jesus in the nude.  Blasphemer!
3. No. I don’t know whether Ray Mears is married.  I think, that like Jesus, Ray is above such things.  He is above mortal concerns.  Can you really see him settled in a Barratt home in Chipping Camden, sitting down to Sunday lunch while his wife dusts the Venetian Blinds?  Me neither.  Love him dearly though I do, the thought of marrying a man like Ray is not one I find comforting.  Can you imagine the honeymoon.  There you’d be dreaming of Venetian palaces and gondolas with champagne and rose petals.  The reality would be Van Dieman’s land with a spade and some spam.  No thanks.