Celine Dion – The Final Word – Really, Honestly. That’s All There Is To Say On The Matter, Probably

Now look here chaps.  This Celine Dion thing is getting beyond a joke.  I’ve hardly mentioned the poor woman except in passing for weeks and weeks, and still you bombard me with your ceaseless questions about the French Canadian pop diva minx.  Why you think I will know anything about her when; a) I detest the woman and do everything in my power to avoid listening to her or even seeing her and, b) it all started because my best friend Rachel was having a terrible day at work and then someone played some Celine Dion to cheer her up and it only made things worse and I just sympathised with her, I really don’t know. 

That Pete Paphides bloke who I mentioned in a previous blog.  He’s the Times Rock Critic.  He’s probably had the great good fortune to meet the bilingual chanteuse in all her technicolour glory.  I believe he likes small womanly pop stars.  He certainly writes a fair bit about Kylie Minogue anyway.  If you go to The Times Online, you can e-mail him and ask him all this stuff, and wonder of wonders, he might actually be able to provide you with factual information rather than my spurious, half baked ramblings.

Now for the very last time I am going to write a blog about her warbliness.  It will comprise of two lists.  The first list is entitled things that I do know about Celine Dion.  The second list is things I don’t know about Celine Dion.  This should clear everything up nicely as long as I don’t get a cease and desist letter from her lawyers and have to take it down for legal reasons.  You’ll be happy.  I’ll be happy.  God alone knows how Madame Celine feels about it all as she has steadfastly remained silent on the subject of her personage and doings, but let’s assume that she won’t be displeased and take it from there.  So, for you curious and strange people out there.  Here it is.  The definitive Celine Dion blog experience, by me, right now.  Here we go:

Things I do Know About Celine Dion

1. She is French Canadian.  This means that she will be insanely proud of being Canadian (which in itself is extremely odd) and extremely proud of being French (which she isn’t really, but we will let her labour under the delusion).
2. She is married to a man who looks a bit like Uncle Fester and who is quite, quite old and beardy.
3. She has a child (she may have others.  I don’t keep track.  I don’t really know how I know she has one even). Presumably the child looks like a cross between Uncle Fester and Celine Dion.  I don’t know if it is a boy or a girl child, so don’t ask me.
4. She makes music videos in which nubile men on motorcycles have horrific accidents, skid sideways along the road for several hundred metres and then have the added misfortune to crash into a tree which is then struck by lightning and bursts into flames.  All this occurs while she is writhing about on a large four poster bed in what looks like a sheet that has been chewed by moths.  This is all before she starts singing.  I know this because I was flicking through the music channels this evening and had the great misfortune to see this.  I turned off when she actually started singing, so how this tale of woe ends is anyone’s guess.  I believe he was probably quite unwell and if he did come back to her it was in a matchbox or as a Patrick Swayze style ghost.
5. She used to look like a warthog with buck teeth.  Canadian dentistry has a lot to be proud of, as does the monobrow waxer and the surgeon.  Fair play.
6. She sang ‘My Heart Will Go On’, which is the theme tune to the film Titanic.  I have not watched the film Titanic due to the fact that I think that Leonardo Di Caprio always looks like he needs a good scrub.  I have heard ‘My Heart Will Go On.’  I have heard it many times.  Too many times.  It is a long song, made longer by endless repetition.  I may have it at my funeral just to make everyone cross.  I will laugh because I will not be there and won’t have to hear it.
7. She has a shocking taste in clothes and if she has a stylist I know for a fact that stylist has it in for her and is winning.  She has worn many hats that look like they should come with a hair net and half a pound of hazlet.  She has worn men’s clothing back to front.  The fashion sense is Canadian.  The accent is French.  Shame it wasn’t the other way round, but them’s the breaks.
8. She was in the news yesterday for using more water per millisecond than most African nations have to drink in a lifetime.  Her spokesperson declined to comment on what the water was used for.  I admit to being intrigued.  Maybe she does white water rafting to relax after a busy day shattering all the windows with her soaring voice.
9. That she is, to my current knowledge, still alive.  What she will be doing tomorrow on the dead/alive stakes I cannot say, but at the time of going to press she is definitely alive and kicking.
10. One day she will die.  It may not be soon enough for you morbid enquirers out there, but I’m sure it will be soon enough for her, and as much as I dislike her warbling ways, I wish her no ill, unless she wants to give a free concert in my kitchen that is, in which case I’d be the first one after her with a carving knife.  Otherwise, live and let live say I.  As long as the television control has a mute button I can live with her Dionness for as long as she cares to soldier on.  God love her.
11. Oh! And I also know that she didn’t really have a secret love child with Jeremy Beadle, despite what I said in that other blog.  I was, and you’ll be shocked to the core to know this, just making that bit up for my own sick entertainment.  Such is life.  I apologise for nothing.

Things I Don’t Know About Celine Dion

1. What she looks like nude
2. What the state of her nipples is
3. Whether her husband/mother/child is/are dead or alive
4. Whether she herself might die tomorrow or any day thereafter (except that one day she will, unless she’s using all that water to advance the cause of cryogenics and live forever)
5. What any of her records sound like after the first thirty seconds of airplay, except of course, for the legendary, ‘My Heart Will Go On.’  I still don’t know how that one escaped my radar, but we can’t be perfect all the time.
6. What her middle name is
7. Whether she has any tattoos
8. Whether she has any peculiar fetishes, obsessions or vices (although I would quite like to know these. Sucking snails through a garden hose to strengthen her larynx perhaps?)
9. Whether she’s going to do a reality television show
10. If her lawyers are going to come and get me.