Katyboo1’s Weblog

Some of you will know that I was invited to join the Amazon Vine programme when it kicked off in the UK a few months ago.  Basically it’s quite a cool idea where they invite a load of people who regularly use Amazon to subscribe to a newsletter where they can order review copy items and review them for Amazon, thus presumably ‘keeping it real’.

In the main I think it’s a brilliant idea.  I review all the books I read anyway (I am currently bobbing away at number 88 in their list of top gazillion reviewers. Smirk), and I like getting free stuff.  So far the offerings have been patchy and there have only been a couple of things I’ve really been pleased to get, but it’s always entertaining and I’m never one to turn down the offer of books.

There have been a few glitches in the system, most of which get sorted out fairly promptly, and it is, it seems, still very much a work in progress.  Fair enough.

I did have an unfortunate issue this week though, which has cheesed me off and which I am feeling the need to let off a little steam about.  Hence another blog and an amusing pun on my title page (d’you get it, eh? Ha! Ha! Ha!)

Basically they have now started offering us two lots of stuff per month.  The first newsletter we get is one which is supposed to be tailored more to our needs, which they work out by reading our wish list, looking at our buying records and reviews etc.  The second is whatever is left over as a giant free for all.  We can, if we wish, order two things from each newsletter.  I always do because a) I am greedy and b) I like to review things because I love to see myself in print, because I am an egotistical, narcissistic swine.

The first newsletter of the month came out on Thursday.  It wasn’t a great one, but there were a couple of things I was half-heartedly interested in, out of about nine items.  I tried to order them and it came up saying: ‘Sorry.  This item is out of stock.’ Fair enough.  I went through everything on the list systematically, and ended up only being able to order one thing, a book I really didn’t like the sound of.  Everything else, it seemed was already sold out, despite the fact that the newsletter had only been out for about twenty minutes, and the fact that this was the tailored one, so less people would have been offered the things on my list, theoretically making things more available.  I reasoned that perhaps they had just been given less free stuff this month and one thing wasn’t so bad.

Later on I went to visit the dedicated Amazon Vine pages, on which they have discussion forums for members.  It turned out when I read the discussion threads that this lack of availability thing had come up for some members but not others.  Some people were freely able to order things, and were still ordering things that my newsletter had said were no longer available.  I didn’t think this was fair.

I wrote an e-mail to the dedicated Amazon Vine Help Desk asking why this was the case and if it was a glitch on the system, when it would be rectified.  I got a reply next morning which was clearly a pro forma mail shot.  It said: ‘Don’t worry.  Sometimes things are out of stock.  Better luck next week.’ or words to that effect.  It basically surmised that I was a greedy bastard, complaining that there weren’t enough toys for me and if I was just a patient little grabber I could have some new things to play with next week.  Unfair. Obviously they said it in a nice way, because they don’t want me to stop ordering the thousands of pounds worth of things I buy from them every year, and they’re afraid I might be a mad stalker type who would work out where they live and come round to their house to read them A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu as a punishment (in the original French, naturellement)

I wrote back and said: ‘You have not answered my question.  Your stuff is not out of stock, so why can’t I order it?’

I went back to the forums. People were posting that the glitch had obviously been fixed.  I tried again.  Everything was now in stock, and I was able to order one of the items I wanted.  I thought no more of it, and didn’t hear back from the Help Desk.

This evening I did finally hear back from the Help Desk.  Their reply said something along the lines of: ‘My! You are a greedy little bitch aren’t you? Didn’t you hear me when I said that everything was out of stock.  That’s what happens sometimes.  Deal with the disappointment and we’ll send you some stuff next week.’  In a nice way, obviously.  They would never be rude, due to the overhanging threat of Proust.

I was quite cross.  I was even more cross when they asked me if this mail had answered my question for me:

Here is the reply I posted:

NO

THE ITEMS WERE NOT OUT OF STOCK. THE ITEMS WERE NEVER OUT OF STOCK. THAT IS THE POINT.

AS I HAVE ALREADY SAID IN MY MAIL. WHICH YOU CLEARLY DIDN’T READ

PROPERLY: FOR THE SECOND TIME - OTHER PEOPLE WERE ABLE TO ORDER THE STOCK BUT I WAS NOT.

IF THE STUFF WAS JUST ORDINARILY OUT OF STOCK THEN THAT WOULD BE NORMAL AND I WOULDN’T HAVE TO MAIL THE HELP DESK ABOUT IT WOULD I? I’M NOT GETTING STROPPY BECAUSE THINGS GO OUT OF STOCK. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO STOCK WHEN PEOPLE ORDER IT.

WHAT DOESN’T HAPPEN IS STUFF BEING OUT OF STOCK FOR ONE PERSON AND NOT FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHEN IT’S THE SAME STOCK AT THE SAME TIME AND FOR THE SAME PROGRAMME. THAT MEANS THAT THERE IS AN ERROR ON THE SYSTEM AND I’M SUFFERING FOR YOUR FAILURE TO ADDRESS IT.

WHILE YOU HAVE FAILED FOR SEVERAL DAYS NOW TO READ AND ANSWER MY QUERY CORRECTLY AND WITH ANY LEVEL OF ATTENTION AND/OR INTELLIGENCE THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN SOLVED.

SOMEONE ON THE VINE FORUMS MAILED ME TO SAY THAT THE STOCK, WHICH YOU HAVE SPENT THREE DAYS TELLING ME IS UNAVAILABLE TO ME, IS NOW AVAILABLE, NOT BECAUSE IT WAS OUT OF STOCK, BUT BECAUSE SOMEONE IN CHARGE OF PROGRAMMING THE SYSTEM HAD MESSED UP.

NOW SOMEONE HAS FIXED THE PROBLEM AND I CAN ORDER WHAT I WANT.

DID YOU HELP ME? NO

IS MY PROBLEM RESOLVED? YES - NO THANKS TO YOU

PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME A JOLLY PRO FORMA E-MAIL ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU ARE THAT MY PROBLEM IS RESOLVED.

PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME A MAIL SAYING HOW SORRY YOU ARE THAT YOU FAILED ON BOTH OCCASIONS TO ACTUALLY READ CORRECTLY WHAT MY PROBLEM WAS OR SOLVE IT FOR ME.

IT WOULD JUST BE NICE IF YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO YOUR JOB INSTEAD OF RELYING ON MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC TO DO IT FOR YOU.

 I dithered about sending it.  Writing it did me the power of good.  Particularly writing in block capitals.  I found it incredibly therapeutic.  Then I thought: ‘Fuck it! I will send it, because it’s not my fault is it? And how will they ever learn to help anyone if someone doesn’t tell them when they’re not helping?’  So I sent it.

About ten minutes later I received this reply:

Thank you for your interest in Amazon Shorts, a new program featuring previously unpublished short-form literature. Each piece is available exclusively at Amazon.com, is transmitted in a digital format, and costs only $0.49. It’s a great way for authors to promote their new books, keep backlist titles mover visible, and reach a broad audience of millions of Amazon.com customers.

We are currently accepting author submissions for Amazon Shorts. At this time, program eligibility is open to only those authors with product listed on Amazon.com. You will receive a response via e-mail or phone within two weeks.

Again, thank you for your interest in Amazon Shorts. We look forward to speaking with you soon.

Amazon Shorts

 As I replied to the person who sent me the mail about my problem I am completely baffled as to why this came back.  I am so baffled I have decided to give up on the Amazon Vine Help Desk Team, who are clearly all smacked out of their minds and running around swinging from the trees somewhere having a high old time.  I am just going to carry on posting my reviews as normal and hoping that next week I will actually be able to order the things I want and not receive an old tea pot, a shoe and a lemon, and that I don’t get thrown off the programme because I have shown a non existent interest in a short story competition that I didn’t even know was happening.