Katyboo1’s Weblog

I’m still into the world of memeing.  I don’t know how to tag people, but if someone wants to play they are very welcome.  Meanwhile I shall do as I did when I was left on the sidelines of netball because nobody wanted me to play on their team, I shall play by myself.

 

I also found out what a meme actually is yesterday, which was good.  I thought it was your virtual character because I’m a bit thick.  It’s not, it’s like a virtual viral thing.  Any idea or thing that gets passed around on t’interweb from person to person.  So there you have it.  I am Bill Gates and I claim my twenty billion pounds.

 

You may see that today’s theme meme is similar to yesterday’s.  I replaced the words like/hate with need.  I’m now bored of this game and waiting for something else to play so hopefully for you, this will be my last one for a while until I get unbored again.

 

Katy needs volunteers to teach junior achievement

 

I wonder what junior achievement is? If you’re going to achieve something surely you’d want to try for senior achievement, or is that me just being pushy and ambitious ? I do share a birthday with Jeffrey Archer.  It was bound to come out sooner or later.  Anyway, I don’t like volunteering.  My mother’s motto was always: ‘Never volunteer.’ So I doubt that I’d be searching for volunteers of my own, particularly to do something that sounds as demeaning as junior achieving.  Rubbish, utter rubbish.

 

Katy needs adjustments

 

It’s true, I do.  I would like my eyes adjusting so that I can have twenty twenty vision.  I would like my feet adjusting so I don’t have to chisel hard skin off them with an industrial sandblaster.  I would like my stomach adjusting to the flatness it had when I was eighteen and I would like to be adjusted so that I can be perky on five hours sleep a night.  All this without surgery or any kind of weird mind control.  A magical wand type adjustment please.  Off you go now…

 

Katy needs rescue to get out alive (and that’s just the bathroom stall)

 

I sound a bit crap here don’t I? To my knowledge I have never been stuck in a bathroom stall, particularly not in a near death type experience.  I did have some tricky times in the early nineties when I was still drinking a lot and those body leotard type things were in fashion.  The ones where you had to popper your nether regions in and out.  After six pints it’s quite hard to have that fine motor control you need, particularly within the confines of a bathroom stall while twelve women are holding one other woman’s hair outside your door while she vomits into the sink and they all say: ‘All men are bastards!’ in unison to cheer her up.

 

Katy needs to lose 100 lbs

 

I weigh just over nine stone on a good day, on a bad day nearer to nine and a half.  I have googled this and 100 lbs is 7.1 stone.  I don’t think I do need to lose 100 lb in that case.  Not unless I want to either a) die or b) slip through a grating and die or c) snap into a billion bits and die.  On reflection, no, no and no. Thanks all the same for your valuable contribution.

 

Katy needs a pony

 

Nope.  Can’t say I do.  My children would like me to need a pony.  I disagree.  I’ve never got on with the world of ponies and horses.  They’re too moody, they’re too far off the floor and they have too many teeth.  It’s not a winning combination.  I did go for lessons.  I live in a county that is horse mad and where everyone was born riding, in fact they all rode out of the womb.  I hated it.  Then I fell off.  Then I got thrown off.  Then I got thrown off again.  Then I saw the error of my ways, threw in riding and saved up for a hamster.  Hard to saddle but not so far to fall.

 

Katy needs to discover punctuation

 

This is true.  My good friend Edmund used to despair of my frivolous lack of attention to the world of apostrophes.  I have to say that my apostrophes have improved beyond recognition but my commas are purely intuitive and when I’m bored of commas I like to throw in a few semi colons and full colons just for a change.  It’s not what it says in the punctuation books, but it works for me;.,

 

Katy needs to get home, and get home soon

 

Why? Is my house on fire and my children all gone, except for little Anne who is under the warming pan?

 

Katy Needs More Seth Video

 

Don’t we all? Only the other day I was dreaming of a conversation that I was having with Ray Mears where we were sadly discussing the lack of Seth Video in our lives and how things would be so much better if there were just generally more of it/him around.  It’s a funny old world.

 

Katy needs to embrace the opportunity

 

No I don’t.  I always embrace the opportunity, which is how come I’m going to visit Paul Weller on Monday and how come my friend Saj might finally come and visit us tomorrow.  I’m the world’s best opportunity embracer.  They’re going to make a programme all about me just called: ‘That Katy, she’s always embracing opportunity’…In fact I’ve got sore arms this week from too much embracing, that’s how much I embrace it.  So there…

 

Katy needs to go

 

This is probably true, especially if we’re talking about my inability to have a wee before it gets to be a dire and needful emergency.

 

Katy needs surgery

 

Only if it allows her to eat more cake without having to buy bigger clothes…

 

Katy needs a level table or surface to put papermaking equipment on and a source of electricity

 

Hmmm! A source of electricity is quite a needful thing.  I’m grateful for the fact that I’m not out there banging my clothes on a rock and washing them in the stream. Bosch will always have my undying thanks on that score.  As for the level table, that too seems practical.  Wonky tables tend to send your tea cups clattering to the floor, which is a bit disastrous.  As for the papermaking equipment, no thanks. I’m not that much of a technological dinosaur.  In fact the only reason I’m not writing a book now is because I’m too busy blogging on my p.c. and I haven’t got time to make the paper to write on.

 

katy needs a skatepark

 

Ohh! Yes please.  I also need some bendy person to come and teach me to skate and put up with my girly screams as I hurtle headlong into a wall and require emergency treatment.  On second thoughts, I think I’ll pass actually.  I did have a skateboard for a while.  I tied a skipping rope to it and used it to manoeuvre my luggage around when I lived a much more nomadic existence, and one considerably freer of consumer durables.

 

Katy needs to double check on ESRI licensing requirements and whether they

 allow for having the same single user license installed on a desktop computer

 

Well, isn’t this what we all need to do? It hardly needs mentioning frankly.  I think there’s a moral there for everyone…

 

Katy needs to bar the door

 

Oh God! Nobody told me that the big, bad wolf was coming.  I shall have to take to flattening myself under the bedclothes again.  It was much easier when I was four and there was so much less of me to flatten.  I didn’t have a C cup chest then for a start.

 

Katy needs to hang on to herself, stay put, and focus on countering the negative beliefs

 

Which bits of me do I need to hang on to though? I’ve only got two hands for god’s sake, and because I spend so much time embracing opportunity, it’s not like I’ve got a lot of time or hand space left.  No wonder I’m struggling with negative beliefs, it’s hard when you’re short handed and grabbing the wrong bits.  You’re right.  I do need to focus.  It’s just what on that’s causing me problems.  I feel terrible now.

 

Katy needs every ounce of her courage

 

How many ounces of courage did I start with is the tricky question here? It’s alright for you to pronounce wisely on such matters but I need quantities.  I need charts.  I need graphs with pictures of foxes heads on sticks.  I need to try and remember how many ounces are in a pound.  Surely a pound is a reasonable amount of courage for one medium sized adult woman to have? Although now we’re metric shouldn’t I be needing every gram of my courage? I have no idea about grams at all.  It’s all so European and impenetrable.  I should have concentrated harder at GCSE French.

 

Katy needs to watch her latest DVD from the bookmobile

 

I would love a bookmobile.  It sounds very cool.  My mum wanted me to buy a second hand mobile library only the other day.  Is she blogging about me in secret? Mum? Is that you?  Anyway, why would I be watching a dvd from a bookmobile? Surely I’d be reading a book from a bookmobile.  I hate to be picky, but I am a stickler for authenticity.  I’m not going to talk to you any more until you sort it out, even though you did have a brilliant idea about a bookmobile.

 

Katy Needs a Life

 

How sadly true this is.  If I had a real life I wouldn’t be compelled to write strange and repetitive blogs just to amuse myself in the hope that someone out there will discover me and I will become a star prodigy extraordinaire.  Hang on, I do have a life.  It’s just that it mostly involves nappies, school trips and cleaning.  I think I’ll stick to the make believe thanks.

 

Katy needs windows to protect the inhabitants

 

Do I? Oh! This sounds vaguely predatory and a bit science fiction.  Is this the bit where I find out that the alien pod people really are real and they’re coming to take us away (ha ha) because I didn’t fit that Pilkington self cleaning glass? Why would windows protect the inhabitants? Perhaps these particular aliens are afraid of shiny things (no worries in my house. I still haven’t found a window cleaner), or Windolene.  I have to admit I am anxious and puzzled.

 

Katy needs to be fed Fred

 

Fred, whoever you are, I always need feeding.  If you ever take me out just make sure that you pack lots of snacks.  I’m not into health food so please don’t waste your time with yoghurt coated raisins and healthy bags of nuts. A packet of Skips and a Curly Wurly will do me fine.  I need feeding on average once an hour, in between meals.  I have a very sensitive metabolism.  Me and Oprah Winfrey.

 

Katy needs to butch it up a little

Just imagine that I’m saying this to you in a deep brown voice. Lucky for you I haven’t shaved my legs today.  You can call me Dave.

 

Katy needs to stay for pure entertainment purposes

 

Bless you.  Thank you to my parents for having me.  I would say thank you to everyone else, but we have already established that I am very vague indeed.  Check out my orthopaedic clown shoes. My, how we laughed.

 

Katy needs a punt blocked

 

That sounds dreadful.  Are we holding up some undergraduate hoorays on the Cam? Wait, I haven’t got me Zorro mask and shooter…

 

Katy needs to stop going to so many anime conventions

 

Especially because I hate anime.  No wonder I’ve been so depressed recently.  Those weird bambi eyes make me want to scream.

 

Katy needs a crash helmet

 

This is probably for when we do the number on those undergraduate hoorays.  It’s more concealing than a Zorro mask, although a lot heavier, and if I fall in when the punt tips over it will be game over for me.

 

Katy needs to keep taking her pills

 

The dried frog pills.  It’s bein’ so cheerful that keeps me going…

 

Katy needs a new carpet for her kitchen

 

What? So that the kids can rub fromage frais and tomato sauce into the shag pile? Are you insane? You clearly have no children.  I expect you’ve got cream on cream flock wallpaper and chandeliers as well haven’t you? Go away. You make me sick with envy.

 

Katy needs to get her life back in order

 

As was ever the case.  The day I do is the day I drop dead with shock and it will all have been a giant wasted effort.  Nope. I think I’m just going to keep bimbling about in random obscurity and general chaos thanks.  It makes life interesting and there’s a level of unpredictability which makes me less likely to want to slit my own throat with a teaspoon.

 

Katy needs to wear a ball gown

 

This is probably why things have gone so sadly awry in my life up to now.  Why am I not three times Booker Winner? Because I haven’t worn enough ball gowns.  Why doesn’t Tallulah take enough notice of me when I ask her not to wipe her nose on the back of the kitchen chair? Lack of ball gowns.  It’s all becoming clear to me now.  I shall remedy it forthwith.