Katyboo1’s Weblog

You know I’m just going to keep on writing blogs about these questions that turn up in my stats pages until I’m bored.  I have a very, very long anti boredom threshold with things like this because the great thing is they are all so varied that just when I think it might be same old, same old, someone comes up with something mind blowingly odd that really makes my day.

 

You, on the other hand are probably going to get really bored that I keep churning out this stuff, and my sense of humour really hasn’t progressed at all.  Still, if that is the case you must do as the ‘Why Don’t You Gang’ tell you, and: ‘go and switch off your p.c. and do something less boring instead’.

 

Let Aunty Katy’s Question Time Commence for this week.  Hem, hem:

 

Qualities Of Elton John:

 

Never mind the quality, feel the width, as my mother would say.  Otherwise: quite singy; agile in the finger department due to playing lots of piano; somewhat synthetic of hair; prone to spontaneous outbursts of man made fibres.  Slightly rippled with a flat underside.

 

Slight Food Poisoning From French Fancies:

 

Well done! You must be the only person in the entire world to have been poisoned by Mr. Kipling.  How do you get ‘slight’ food poisoning though? Did you only eat half of it perhaps? Maybe you left the icing and just ate the spongy bit inside? Perhaps you ate too much of that lovely synthetic cream (I hear Elton has suits made from it).  I have the feeling that you’re telling a teeny, weeny, in fact ‘slight’ fib here aren’t you?  I don’t think you can call being sick because you’ve eaten an entire box of French Fancies all to yourself, food poisoning.  I know I wasn’t allowed to.

 

Things To Do In Half Term In Skegness:

 

Get down on bended knees and thank God you can leave in a week. Buy a one way ticket to London and get a life.  Avoid greenfly in your candyfloss.  Never visit the Wall of Death.

 

Beetroot Addiction:

 

You need BA.  Look it up in the phone book.  If they are apologising for delays with your luggage, you have the wrong BA. Don’t be alarmed when during withdrawal your wee turns from pink to yellow.  It’s a good sign.  Try to buy the stuff in the plastic boxes while you’re coming down, you don’t want to drop the glass jar on your toe while you have the BT’s. (Beetlerium Tremens)

 

Emergency Wee:

 

I always carry a small flask of emergency wee around with me in my handbag, just in case I don’t have time to go myself.  I have a tiny silver hammer so that I can break it during times of crisis.  Improper use warrants a penalty of fifty pounds.

 

Eating A Sandcastle:

 

My advice would be try sandwiches instead. If you’re still dead set on it I would start small with a simple conical shaped one, and save those fancy ones with turrets and flags for later.  If you’re not careful the flags stick in your throat and you’ll be just like the Queen Mum when she choked on that fish bone. I’d advise something to wash it down with, creosote might work.

 

How To Make Baked Beans On Toast:

 

You really need to ask?  If you’re that daft I advise a string vest, some carbon fibres, a lemon and a squeegee.  Combine gently using the backs of your hands.  Fill a parasol and cook on gas mark five for six years. You fool.

 

Elephant Loo: How Does It Work?

 

It uses the Wankel Rotary Engine and the principles of Quantum Physics, by which to deposit the effluvia in a stream just outside Chipping Camden, where it will harm nobody of consequence and we can all rest easy in our bed, safe in the knowledge that we will never be swamped out of house and home by a barrage of elephant pooh.  It was invented by Stephen Hawking last Thursday when he had an odd half hour between pensioner’s lunch at The Crispy Mermaid Fish Bar and Grill and his weekly Bingo Session.  It’s going to revolutionise the world of elephant hygiene.  You can write to the government for a white paper on it.

 

Do Kids Eat Cheese And Pickle Sandwiches?

 

Only if you pay them sufficient funds for them to be able to buy a McDonald’s Happy Meal and  McFlurry afterwards in my learned opinion.  Baby goats on the other hand eat them all the time, along with buttons, hair pins and small children who resolutely refuse to eat cheese and pickle sandwiches. It’s ironic really.

 

How Do You Pronounce Drawing Pins?

 

Mell - Oh – Tron  Fan – Daaaannn – GOOOO – It’s from the Arabic meaning: ‘I’d rather stick red hot needles in my eyes’.

 

Unless you mean how do you pronounce them in a marital or medical sense, in which case:

 

1)     I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Drawing Pin

2)     Time of death, 3.52 p.m. precisely. Cause of death, extreme pointiness without due care and attention.

 

Lego Knobs Flu:

God! That sounds terrible.  I hate treading on Lego.  There is nothing more guaranteed to make you cry.  Imagine if you were covered in Lego like knobs and you just couldn’t get comfortable no matter how hard you tried.  It would be like endlessly treading on Lego.  That’s a terrible, terrible thing.  I advise a trip to Legoland at Windsor immediately.  They may be able to help, or in the worst case scenario, turn you into an exhibit and help you earn some cash until you can afford a specialist.

 

Life Of Dead Foxes:

 

Quite short and fairly retrospective, due to the fact that they are dead.  I got that straight from David Attenborough himself, so don’t look at me in that funny way.

 

Beehives On My Head:

 

Amy love, you’ve got nobody but yourself to blame. Now stop bothering me and go and make some lovely, lovely music, there’s a dear.  You could always try keeping the headscarf on.  You know wandering about uncovered only encourages them.

 

God Bleeding On The Carpet:

 

Not again.  He’s very prone to nosebleeds apparently.  It’s all that hanging upside down doing the fiddly bits of creation.  All the blood rushes to his head.  I’ve said it before, but don’t scrub the stain.  Pop a little cold water and some salt on it and pat it with a damp tea towel.  You can ring the insurance company in the morning.  I did say not to go for cream, it shows everything up, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t covered for random acts of God.  You can’t tell him anything these days.

 

‘Findus’ Cat Treat:

 

I did wonder about those Crispy Pancakes.  The catnip flavouring was a bit of a giveaway, that and the mouse’s tail sticking out of the crimped pie crust edging.

 

Cheese Up Someone’s Arse:

 

I suppose it would be alright if it were a soft cheese, something like Boursin, Brie or Philadelphia.  A bit of ungrated Parmesan might prove problematic.  Do you want me to endorse it, encourage it or get cross about it? I certainly wouldn’t advise it during this spell of warm weather.  It will be somewhat odourific.  Applying it to the arse wouldn’t be a job I’d be lining up for either, not even with rubber gloves and a surgical mask.

 

Shaved Her Head And Eyebrows Off:

 

I hate to break this to you, but if she’s shaved her head off, it’s hardly likely to matter if she’s shaved her eyebrows off, due to the fact she will have no head.  A nasty way to go that. I expect it takes a while.  You’d really have to be dedicated to commit suicide by shaving your head off.  Probably using a carpenter’s plane would be quicker than using a Bic, but it’s still not going to be swift.

 

Copperfield Gnomes:

 

Thanks for letting me know.  Like gnomes in their raw state aren’t frightening enough without the demonic face of David Copperfield leering at you from a pointy hat and a fishing rod every time you go to weed the begonias.  It’s posts like that that give me nightmares.  I’ve a good mind to report you.

 

Can I Feed My Children’s Python A House?

 

I suppose, as the children probably aren’t feeding it anything by now, seeing as they’ve had it for two days, it doesn’t light up, give them extra points or play the theme tune from Mario Brothers, that you can feed it what you damn well like.  As they generally like to eat things like rodents, you might want to cover your house in mouse fur before you start. It’s going to make them a lot more biddable, and when you’re tempting a python you need all the help you can get.

 

Pictures Goats In Canada:

 

Do you? That’s sweet? Do you dream of chipmunks in Brazil and ponder badgers in Wiltshire as well?

 

Pineapple Wardrobes:

 

It’s messy but entirely feasible.  Kumquat footstools would be good too.  I once helped my friend design a pair of curtains using pictures of Helicobacter Pylori.  Anything is possible, particularly in the strange and wonderful world of fruit.  I once saw a kiwi fruit that just looked like a hairy chin.  It was frighteningly realistic.  If you’re into this kind of interior design you could probably utilise them to make either cushions or those peculiarly hairy, but yet perennially popular Birkenstock shoes.  Not that they are furniture, but you often see people in those decorating magazines wearing them she said tenuously, winding her way to the end of another overlong blog…