Katyboo1’s Weblog

Another forward roll twenty four hours.  Now Cranky Phone Guy and I had a small chat about the generally rubbish nature of the humble carrot the other day at the bottom of one of my blogs. He mentioned that he once purchased a juicer, inspired by a Tony Robbins course I attended.  I mentioned that my ex-husband had also been inspired by his Robbinsness to do the same and didn’t he think that Tony Robbins looks a lot like Jaws from the James Bond films, only his teeth aren’t metal?

Now for those of you who didn’t read yesterday’s blog you won’t know that I used to be the MD of an NLP company and consequently had a lot to do with all these coach type people at one time or another.  NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic programming by the way, and it’s what people like Paul McKenna and Derren Brown do on’t telly.  Anyhoo, Tony is a big cheese in these circles and has huge seminars where people walk on hot coals and whoop and change their lives via millions of his highly expensive products that he sells on QVC.  Some people love him to death, and I’m not keen.  That’s just the way it goes.

So, once, way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I worked with someone who had the chance to interview him, and my job was to help with questions etc.  In the event Tone was overcommitted and couldn’t do it.  I thought it was a shame to waste the lovely, lovely questions, so I invented an entirely fictional character who bears no resemblance living or dead to the majestic Tony, and I asked him the questions instead.  It amused me for hours.  Oddly, nobody would publish it, which is a bit of a shame.  So I dug it out, dusted it off and am now self publishing the remarkable, one time only interview I did with the guru ‘Baloney Bobbins’ (I thank you Homer and Cherry Bobbins).  It is of course completely fictional in every way:

1. Baloney, you seem like a man who is accustomed to getting what you want.  Is there anything that you want that you haven’t been able to get, and what effect has this had on you?

 

That’s an excellent question.  I did once order a beautiful diamonique monocle from QVC which never arrived.  Sadly, they had sold out by the time my complaint reached them, and I have never found anything else quite like it.  Sometimes it’s the small things in life that can be most disappointing.  I dream about it quite often.  In fact, only the other night I dreamed that I was ball room dancing with a strange hybrid pig/bear cross and it was wearing the monocle, but wouldn’t give it to me.  I woke, sobbing into my pillow. Believe it or not, my hand was outstretched on the duvet as if I had almost grasped it. I had a strange yearning sensation in my soul, or it may have been hunger. I’m not sure.

 

1. Baloney, do you truly believe that anything is possible, or are there limits on what the human neurology can achieve?

 

To tell you the truth I have never been able to get a soufflé to rise properly, and I am inclined to think it is impossible.  Of course, others claim to have done it, but if I can’t manage it, I can only assume they must be using some kind of Houdini like trickery to pull off the illusion of light, air filled baking, that melts on the tongue and tastes like you imagine clouds would.  Sigh… I really, really hate that Delia Smith woman.  She has that look in her eye, the look that lets you know that she would use her prowess with a soufflé to torture your very soul. Drunken old biddy (or so I hear.) I may well have to call my lawyers about that one actually.  It doesn’t do to speak ill of the dead, so my evil Grandpappy Seth told me before he took his own life with an ice cream scoop.  Just thinking about it still sends shivers down my spine.

 

1. Baloney, if you could look back at the age you are now and give one piece of advice to the twelve year old you, what would it be, and why?

 

Well, it’s hard to know what to say.  So many things flit through my mind when I think back to those dim and distant days.  I’d probably advise myself to not listen to my mother when she tells me that pudding bowl haircuts are bound to enjoy a renaissance, for a start.  Why?  Because life’s a lot less complicated with a decent haircut, and you can take that to the bank.  I’d have also advised myself to steer clear of halloumi cheese, because it wasn’t until years later that I found it was responsible for bringing me out in an unsightly rash.  I’d also tell myself that learning to play the spoons won’t help my love life any, and I might like to have a go on the lead guitar, or the drums, or possibly even the banjo.  No, no, probably not the banjo actually, just indulging in a spot of dreaming there.  Sorry about that.

 

1. Even the most confident of people have their long, dark moments of the soul.  How do you cope with these times?  Do you use NLP techniques or a mixture of resources?

 

That’s a very sensitive question.  Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with me.  I do indeed have my long, dark moments of the soul.  As for how I deal with them, I like to retreat to my study and study the one stringed, Japanese nose flute until I reach a state of zen like calm and tranquillity.  If I’m not at home I carry a recording of Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing The Little Drummer Boy that I find infinitely soothing.  As soon as I hear the refrain “Par rump pa pump pum” I feel a sense of instant ease and well being.  It’s a personal thing, but I’d be happy for others to try it.  As I mentioned earlier, I also try to avoid Halloumi cheese.  If only I’d known that earlier I’d have avoided a lot more long dark nights of the soul, I can tell you.

 

1. A journalist once described you as having ‘relentlessly pursued personal and professional excellence…’  This sounds rather tiring.  What do you do to relax?

 

Well now, apart from my interest in Japanese music and my devotion to things that sparkle (you can’t beat a bit of something shiny to line your nest with), I love to put my Wellingtons on, venture out into the garden and pretend that I’m Alan Titchmarsh.  Not many people in the US know him, but from my extensive travelling round the world I’ve come to revere the man, particularly for his practical solutions to getting the perfect lawn.  Alan is something of a demi god to me.  I also like his new series, Gordon The Garden Gnome.  Sometimes I like to put on a pointy hat and pretend that I too, am at one with the gnomes.  The man’s an unsung hero.

 

1. Baloney, this may sound rather an odd question, but I am genuinely curious, and hope you can provide the answer for me.  I have been on trainings where groups of us have studied footage of you working with people on stage.  Everyone in my group noticed that when you clap your hands on stage you do not actually bring your palms together to make a noise.  Is this because of acoustics, or is it a genuine technique that I have been, up to now, unaware of?

 

Thank you for that question.  It is because, as I’m sure you are aware, I am a somewhat large man, and the noise of my hands clapping together can cause a sonic boom in some of the larger auditoriums I work in, that might prove upsetting for my audience.  Before I realised this I once made someone’s ears bleed seventy miles away.  They thought it was an act of God. I didn’t mention it was me.  I have enough law suits on my hands already. I was being cruel to be kind.  I also subscribe to the chaos theory and am perturbed about the idea that the force of my hands clapping together could actually cause a volcanic eruption in Hawaii.

 

1. You are an advocate of the NLP technique of modelling.  I find this methodology fascinating and can see how useful this would be in modelling the desired behaviours of people who are currently available to model.  I am interested to know if you feel it would be possible to model the desired behaviours of great leaders or figures in history who are now dead, and therefore somewhat inaccessible except through writings and memoirs?  How successful do you think this could be, if at all?  I would also like to know who, if this were possible, you would model?

 

Tilly, modelling the dead is somewhat challenging, but not impossible for a man of my skills.  Naturally, their body language takes some getting used to, but it is possible to emulate a corpse like stillness for hours at a time, and I am employed by some of Hollywood’s greatest directors to train A list actors in their corpse technique.  I try not to brag about it, because I am a modest chap, already possessed of a huge number of skills, and don’t want to be overwhelmed with requests.  As for who I would model, I think that Robin Hood or Flash Gordon would be my first choices for historic figures with fascinating skills worth modelling.  I particularly like Flash because he’s not only talented, but rather shiny… He would look superb with a diamonique headband and silver thigh length boots. At least that’s what I like to wear when I’m pretending to be him.

 

1. What do you think about the penchant for using NLP as a tool to further celebrity and do ‘magic tricks’ in the style of David Blaine and Derren Brown?  Do you think NLP is big enough for everyone, or that this kind of work devalues what you do?

 

Oh, yes!  I love that Derren Brown.  I particularly liked it when he crucified Robbie Williams.  You wouldn’t think so to look at me, but I used to be a huge fan of Take That.  I loved that duet they did with Lulu.  I’ve never quite forgiven Robbie for leaving.  It was the beginning of the end.  Frankly, anyone who crucifies him gets a thumbs up in my book.  I’m thinking of calling my memoirs: ‘Could it be magic? Why, yes, it could!’ as an homage.  I have to say that I’ve always been slightly suspicious of Gary Barlow though. His hair worries me sometimes. In fact I am currently in my laboratory developing an anti-Barlow hair phobia cure.  It will be massive, and indeed ‘magic’, ha ha!

 

1. Until recently, NLP has been seen as a rather ‘niche’ type market.  Nowadays, NLP books are making the best seller lists, and NLP in its raw form is beginning to reach a mass market.  Where do you think it will develop from here, and how do you see your role in its growth?

 

I am very excited about my new book, I would send you a copy, but I’m afraid you’ll have to buy one instead.  It’s called “The NLP Colouring Book” It’s great for children of any age. It has some great pictures of my island home and a centrefold of me.  Do you remember those Crayola boxes that had all those brilliant crayons in?  They used to have silver and gold crayons in didn’t they?  I love that.  I’m giving away free metallic crayons to anyone who buys my new book and all my other books in a box set shaped like a Magpie’s Nest.  It will retail at £250 plus VAT and it’s going to put me at the top of the New York Times Best Seller List for a year.

 

1. As someone at the forefront of producing development products for the masses, how do you plan to develop your products further to cope with the changes the internet and things like downloads are bringing to the media?

 

Along with my colouring book, I’m looking at a range of NLP based jewellery for sale on QVC.  It will be the highest quality diamonique and cubic zircona with real gold.  My first range is called the VAK collection and will be brooches of the rep patterns which people can wear depending on whether they’re visual or kinaesthetic etc.  I’m also launching glasses with specsavers based on eye accessing cues.  Nobody has done this kind of thing before, and it’s going to be huge…With my profit’s I’m having a new island, based on Tracey Island but modelled in gold. I’m having diamond palm trees and a life size statue of Alan Titchmarsh wearing a gnome hat. The coolest thing is when you press a button, a nuclear missile made of cubic zircona launches out of the top of Alan’s hat.  It’s inspired.  It is actually living proof of my status as top genius in the world, ever.

 

1. What do you consider to be the most crucial point of any one to one session with a client, that time when you know if something is really going to work or not?

 

I always like it when the client says thank you Baloney, that way I know things have worked, and they’re also showing due respect, which is nice for a man of my stature.  I also take notes at the first meeting, as I like to see what people are wearing.  Their jewellery makes a big impression on me, and I can tell a lot about how a session will go by their taste.  I never work with people with pudding bowl haircuts or polyester flying suits.  It’s a childhood thing I suppose.  I also make sure that my fleet of highly trained body guards frisk them thoroughly for Greek cheeses.  I’ve trained my body guards in a special kind of martial arts I developed called the Baloney Method.  I spent hours modelling that Ninja rat from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and crossing him with the killing skills of the vicious stoat.  I’m releasing a DVD next year, available on all good shopping channels.  It will be called: ‘The Baloney Method: The Way of the Weasel’.

 

1. When was the tipping point in your career?  By that, I mean the moment when you knew that things were really going to work out for you?  How did that make you feel?

 

The first time I felt truly confident, and that things were going my way was when I met Monsieur Angel, my hairdresser.  Hair, as I have said, is very important, and when that was right, everything else just flowed.  I highly recommend a personal hairdresser for all aspiring NLP millionaires.  It really worked for me.

 

1. What happens when you’re working with a one to one client, and the strategies you usually use, don’t work?  How do you resolve those issues and think on your feet to give the client successful outcomes, especially when you’re under the pressure of working in front of large crowds of people?

 

Up to now you’ve been asking sensible questions, but frankly, I don’t know what to say to that.  You’ve disappointed me there.  Perhaps you didn’t know any better, I don’t know.  You might even be having a bad hair day.  Let’s put it down to that, it’s not as if I’m an unreasonable man.  I’m moving on now, but don’t think I’ve forgotten you…My eyes and ears are everywhere, and I am a trained killer, as you should know.  I always find reminding my clients of that often helps us push through those difficult ‘stuck’ moments in a therapy session.

 

1. What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given, and who gave it to you?

 

Monsieur Angel once said to me that I must never lend my hairbrush to just anyone, and I have to say he was right.  I let Paul McKenna borrow it once, but I didn’t get it back for a week.  Then I noticed he was thinning on top and I had to throw the brush away in case I caught it myself.  Always listen to Monsieur Angel.  He’s as wise as a sage that man… He’s also helping me develop my new hair care range for men who just want that lush, just washed feeling all the time.

 

1. What was it that made you decide on this career path, and what was the first thing you did to pursue it?

 

I saw a little known programme once when I was a child on a visit to the UK.  They made these amazing inventions out of things like washing up bottles and pipe cleaners and I knew that I must be able to do that.  No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t achieve the same results at home and from that moment on, it was my mission to find a way to reproduce that excellence.  Ten years later I came across an article in a magazine about Modelling, and I knew it was the thing for me.  My creative skills now rival anything anyone can show me, and I made my fortune into the bargain.  I’ve still never managed to find any double sided sticky tape though.  I am thinking about developing my own.

 

1. I have heard rumours that you may be running for office in the US.  Can you confirm or deny this?  If not, would you like to, and what is the first thing you would do if you got elected?

 

I don’t know who you’ve been talking to about this, but I’m flattered.  I must say however, that such rumours are untrue.  I have more important issues in hand.  I feel, why step into someone elses’ shoes when you can create your own unique empire?  After all, if Dolly Parton can do it, it’s something to think about.  I just haven’t managed to come up with a suitable title for myself yet.  For some reason I’m drawn to the word ‘emperor’, but Monsieur Angel disappointed me, when he said that it put him in mind of a penguin.  We’re still at the drawing board stages, but I advise you to watch this space.

 

1. Who is the most inspiring person you have ever met, and what was it about them that was inspiring?

 

I once met a man called Eric.  It was in the early days, back when I still used public transport and had a piggy bank marked “Private jet fund”.  He had a singing clam called Peter, which he kept in a candy jar, and carried round with him everywhere.  It had taken him fourteen years to teach that Clam to sing, but hearing it lisp out “When a Child is Born” by Johnny Mathis, was one of the most moving moments in my life.  Eric’s pride in his achievement taught me a lot, and I’ve never forgotten it.

 

1. One of the things that comes across to me, when I have listened to tapes of your work is that you often use pain as an anchor and motivator to get people to change states or alter their patterning.  This seems antithetical to the positive intention stated in your work.  Can you explain why you work in this way?

 

It may be unfashionable of me, but I am a man of tradition and learning and I humbly take that lesson from the excellent eighties series Fame.  You may have forgotten the dance instructor in the opening credits shout “Fame Costs, and right here’s where you start paying” whilst thumping her stick menacingly on the ground, but I never have.  Once I may have even wet the bed dreaming about her.  When I’m Emperor I may have to have a word…

 

1. As the essence of NLP is about modelling excellence, one of your fans (me), would like to know if anyone ordinary (rather than one of the NLP stars) has ever modelled you face to face?  If so, how did it go?  And, would you be open to being modelled by me, next time you are in the UK?!

 

 

I’m a busy man, and frankly, it depends on who does your hair my dear.  If you’d be interested in buying my box set (not forgetting the free shiny gift), I’d consider it, but time is of the essence and I have many demands on my time.  You forget I have an extensive inventing routine every day and a gruelling three hour hair session with Mr. Angel which is of the highest daily priority.

 

1. When you started out in this field, did you ever imagine that you would own your own desert island hideaway?  It seems like every kid’s dream to me.  Are there any more of your childhood dreams you still have to fulfil, and if so, what are they?

 

 

I never imagined any of this.  My childhood dreams were strange affairs, revolving around carousels ridden by cockroaches and women called Janice who had three heads and worrying beehive hairdo’s.  I for one, am grateful that life is far from dreams.  Having said that, after the pig/bear monocle dream, I’m not sure my adult dreams are anything to write home about either.  I must consult my nutritionist about my cheese levels.